Satan beat me again today. I got up to go to Mass in Pittsburgh, but when I saw the weather, I got scared and then I didn't have enough money to put gas in my tank I realized once I got to the gas station. I went to another church, St. Bernard of Clairvaux Church, because Mass was starting there in 15 minutes. I was a little late, but the whole time driving to the church I was very disappointed because I had wanted to go to the Extraordinary Form so badly, and then I felt guilty for wanting to go to one Form of the Mass over another. God could not be thinking highly of that because in His Eyes, it's one and the same Sacrifice.
I wanted so badly to give thanks and to praise God during the Liturgy, but all I could think of was how I'm making hardly any money, I feel isolated from Catholics and a lot of people in general (I even feel isolated from my friends in a sense), how I feel isolated from my family, my coworkers, my classmates, other Blacks, other gays, men and women, everyone. I thought about how I really need to try to do homework this week and get my accounting textbook and start studying hard when all I want to do all day is pray and commune with God and get answers.
These were not the feelings I wanted to have during Holy Mass. I wanted to pray with attention and fervor, but I feel like it was all forced today and I had to try really, really hard to concentrate. The tone of the Readings was actually helpful. The First Reading spoke of leprosy and being unclean because of it, and how the priests had to pray it away through the power of God and of course I was yearning to go to Confession after reading it. The Responsorial Psalm was about crying out to God in times of trouble, but don't I already do that? What is the point of it? Since it's from the Holy Scriptures, there has to be some salvific counterpart to it. Perhaps I'm just not seeing it. I'm very distressed. The Second Reading was St. Paul the Apostle exhorting Christians to glorify God in all things and be imitators of Christ. And the Holy Gospel was the miracle of Jesus healing the leper.
Has God made me to be a "leper" in terms of our society and times? Nothing about me is really pleasing to anyone, Catholic or heathen, and is there anything pleasing about me to God? He's still pushing me to persevere even though I really want to just let go right now. I just need to know and feel that Heaven is a possibility for me and that it is my true home and that one day God will fly me away there swiftly.
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| Angel ministering to Our Lord in His Agony |
These spiritual and temporal chastisements seem very intense, and I wonder if others at church feel the same thing. Are others out there tarrying in distress and tears but hoping in God all the same? Do others offer the Mass praying and begging God for deliverance and peace?
You know, if this is how worn out and despised I feel with the relatively little hard things I have to deal with, what strength hath the Lord that He bore this throughout His whole life feeling the weight of the sin of His creation crushing Him and beating Him to the ground and leading Him to the humiliation of the Cross? This love I just still do not understand (in theory I do) because it's hard for me to bear my own burdens for myself, how could I do this for another, or even for all flesh that has ever lived?
The Lord commands me to take up my cross and follow Him (Holy Gospel according to St. Luke IX, 23) and I want to. I want to glory in my struggles like St. Paul the Apostle because power is made perfect in infirmity (Second Epistle of St. Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians XII, 9), but what can I really glory in with out the help from God? I need His Grace so much right now because I want Life and that Life only comes from Him Who is Life, Jesus Christ, glory be to Him.
For whatever reason, the Lord has willed that I struggle with whatever I struggle with and He knows why and it has to work out for the best (Epistle of St. Paul the Apostle to the Romans VIII, 28) and I need to trust that He will lead me in His paths and hold me to righteousness because He is my deliverer, my protection, and my salvation. He's already created me and brought my soul out of death through the Sacrament of Baptism, He's strengthened me with the Holy Ghost in the Sacrament of Confirmation, He forgives me my sins in the Sacrament of Penance, and He feeds my starving soul with His Body and Blood in the Sacrament of Holy Communion. There has to be a happy ending but I just need to hold on for just a while longer and really intensify my praying, fasting, and almsgiving because we never know when we will have to face Him as the Terrible Judge, at which point He will no longer be merciful.
O Mary, help of Christians, pray for us
through the Cross joy has come into the world
ReplyDeleteSt. Silouan had a vision of Christ in glory but for 15 yrs after that struggled with pride and felt that God's presence was not there, but he persevered. Sometimes God removes His grace so that we can have a Cross to bear and that we will benefit all the more from His grace when He returns to us. Take heart!
Another awesome Eastern name of a Saint! I keep telling myself that I need to embrace my crosses, there's no other way. The only problem is I have no idea what that actually implies if that makes sense... You know how you hear something so much that you kinda say it by reflex (take up your cross), but then if someone said and asked, "Okay, I will. What do I do?" You kinda have the crickets in your mind like, "Oh, yeah..about that..." That's kinda how I feel; don't really know what it really means to take up the cross. I know it implies being patient and not giving up because of the weight of the cross, but can I order my cross with a side of St. Simon the Cyrenian? =))
Deletegood question Chris. It is indeed much easier to talk about it than to actually do it. I struggle with understanding what it means to rely solely on God's grace -- knowing that I cannot do anything to help myself. But at the same time I can't just sit back and do nothing - I have to add my own little piece and show that my will is in line with God's. But how these 2 things -- not relying on myself, while having to add my own part -- practically work out is currently a struggle for me. But as you said, endure your struggles with patience and prayer. Do not entertain ANY thoughts of bitterness of despondency but constantly call on God for mercy: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
ReplyDeletewell said.
DeleteThat's how I feel!! It's one of those mysteries like the Holy Trinity, you keep trying to put two and two together but somehow you're always at 3.999 or 4.0001 but never at 4! Not relying on yourself, fully on God's Grace, but then cooperating with it at the same time. So hard to understand, but that just shows why it's important to have faith.
Delete"These spiritual and temporal chastisements seem very intense, and I wonder if others at church feel the same thing. Are others out there tarrying in distress and tears but hoping in God all the same? Do others offer the Mass praying and begging God for deliverance and peace?"
ReplyDeleteYes, yes they do. and by "they" i mean me. you gotta keep pushing forward, it's better to be in the state that you are than to be apathetic. Never give up hope.
Thanks Meg and I'm praying for you, but yes it is better to just keep going and that's what I need to work on because I usually drop out after persevering for so long. I'm glad that you try to place your worries at the foot of the Holy Cross during Mass as well. That really touches my heart and I appreciate knowing that I'm not alone. Thanks so much girl.
Delete"These spiritual and temporal chastisements seem very intense, and I wonder if others at church feel the same thing. Are others out there tarrying in distress and tears but hoping in God all the same? Do others offer the Mass praying and begging God for deliverance and peace?"
ReplyDeleteYes, yes they do. and by "they" i mean me. It is better that you struggle and keep fighting than to be apathetic about your situation. Keep hoping and praying! You have the strength; you've gotten this far, so that means you have a little fight in you!
P.S.-everytime you say thing like " Nothing about me is really pleasing to anyone" it stabs me in the heart a little more each time. i've asked before, and i'll ask again- "what am I? Chopped liver?" lol! But seriously, i think you are an awesome guy.