Satan beat me again today. I got up to go to Mass in Pittsburgh, but when I saw the weather, I got scared and then I didn't have enough money to put gas in my tank I realized once I got to the gas station. I went to another church, St. Bernard of Clairvaux Church, because Mass was starting there in 15 minutes. I was a little late, but the whole time driving to the church I was very disappointed because I had wanted to go to the Extraordinary Form so badly, and then I felt guilty for wanting to go to one Form of the Mass over another. God could not be thinking highly of that because in His Eyes, it's one and the same Sacrifice.
I wanted so badly to give thanks and to praise God during the Liturgy, but all I could think of was how I'm making hardly any money, I feel isolated from Catholics and a lot of people in general (I even feel isolated from my friends in a sense), how I feel isolated from my family, my coworkers, my classmates, other Blacks, other gays, men and women, everyone. I thought about how I really need to try to do homework this week and get my accounting textbook and start studying hard when all I want to do all day is pray and commune with God and get answers.
These were not the feelings I wanted to have during Holy Mass. I wanted to pray with attention and fervor, but I feel like it was all forced today and I had to try really, really hard to concentrate. The tone of the Readings was actually helpful. The First Reading spoke of leprosy and being unclean because of it, and how the priests had to pray it away through the power of God and of course I was yearning to go to Confession after reading it. The Responsorial Psalm was about crying out to God in times of trouble, but don't I already do that? What is the point of it? Since it's from the Holy Scriptures, there has to be some salvific counterpart to it. Perhaps I'm just not seeing it. I'm very distressed. The Second Reading was St. Paul the Apostle exhorting Christians to glorify God in all things and be imitators of Christ. And the Holy Gospel was the miracle of Jesus healing the leper.
Has God made me to be a "leper" in terms of our society and times? Nothing about me is really pleasing to anyone, Catholic or heathen, and is there anything pleasing about me to God? He's still pushing me to persevere even though I really want to just let go right now. I just need to know and feel that Heaven is a possibility for me and that it is my true home and that one day God will fly me away there swiftly.
|Angel ministering to Our Lord in His Agony|
The Lord commands me to take up my cross and follow Him (Holy Gospel according to St. Luke IX, 23) and I want to. I want to glory in my struggles like St. Paul the Apostle because power is made perfect in infirmity (Second Epistle of St. Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians XII, 9), but what can I really glory in with out the help from God? I need His Grace so much right now because I want Life and that Life only comes from Him Who is Life, Jesus Christ, glory be to Him.
O Mary, help of Christians, pray for us