"The sorrows of death surrounded me, the sorrows of hell encompassed me: and in my affliction I called upon the Lord, and He heard my voice from His holy temple. I will love Thee, O Lord, my strength: the Lord is my firmament, my refuge, and my deliverer." Psalm XVII, 5-7
This is the Introit of the Mass of Septuagesima Sunday upon which I was meditating tonight and it is so fitting for today. I did not have a great day (although lunch with one of my best friends helped): Some guy was really rude to me today at work, another guy that I had met at a party and who was very friendly to me there is still acting like he hates when I speak to him (unless that's all in my head), and I don't know, maybe it's me but people just seem to be really crabby today (because it's Wednesday maybe??).
The sorrows of death are surrounding me in so many ways. Spiritually, I'm still not in a State of Grace and it is making me sad, ashamed, and disappointed. I long to be a holy person who lives the life of a saint and who is perfectly submissive to God and does not let the enemy tempt me so easily. I have been praying to the Blessed Virgin for quite some time about this, help me to be pure of heart and holy and meek, but when will it happen? How many prayers do I have to say before that voila moment happens and everything just clicks?
That's what I envy about other Catholics (or religion people in general), being "good" according to their religions seems to come so naturally and easily for them, but me who has been trying to nourish my faith my whole life, I seem to get worse and worse the more "pious" I get! Why is it so easy for others to follow Catholicism (which I think is pretty hard...been doing it for 23 years now and ummm...), but me, I have to watch every.single.thing.I.do?? Come on God, I am trying here!
Temporally, the sorrows of hell are surrounding me because for whatever reason, regardless of who I'm surrounded by, I feel alone? Maybe it's pride. Maybe I think so highly of myself that I don't feel that others could possibly be "with me" because they just wouldn't understand. Or perhaps I mentally set myself apart from people, anyone, refusing to acknowledging any common ground as if that is a threat to my individuality, in which case this 'lonliness' is my own fault. I certainly hope that isn't the case...
But I went to the church tonight to pray, in the silence, in the dark, me, before the Tabernacle which houses the Presence of my Lord and God. I met Him there and prayed to Him, begged Him to tell me something. I prayed a decade of the Rosary meditating on the Second Glorious Mystery: the Ascension of the Lord, because I wanted the fruit; and increase in the Theological Virtue of Hope. I also apologized to God that it seems that a lot of what I do is motivated out of the desire to be more social, have a more stable group of friends, as if I'm fighting lonliness like it's killing me. But I'm not that lonely, that's the thing? Why can't I just be grateful? Something is missing that I do not seem to be understanding.
After my Rosary decade, I spent some time in silent prayer just atoning for my sins of the day and discussing with the Lord what I really felt, even if it wasn't very "prayerful" but I just was honest with Him, I didn't waste time composing these gorgeous Elizabethan English phrases and soliloquys of Thees and Thous and arts and makest blah blah blah, I just spoke to Him in my own way, how I would speak to someone else close to me, and was just brutally honest. Normally, when I pray, I try to impress God with all these big words and what not, but tonight, nahh, I just talked to Him.
I finished by reading the texts and prayers for the Mass of Septuagesima Sunday, and the Introit really hit me. I AM a sinner, who is feeling the effects of Adam's sin, of my own sins, and seeing how painfully in need I am of the healing that Christ gives through the Sacraments. My soul is mourning under the weight and severity of my selfish desires. But the Lord is my firmament and my deliver, and I am hoping (please intercede for me O Most Pure Virgin), that God will save me and that He will heal me of all my wounds both of body and soul. That's what He came here to do after all, right?
Oh, and biiiiiiiiiiig thanks to all 20 cars that decided to ambush me at the same time while I was working drive-thru tonight... Y'all are hateful, and umm God, I got the joke, k thx...