About to head to Adoration soon to place myself at the foot of Christ's earthly throne and ask His help and advice.
I really need Him to uplift me and sustain my soul right now and I want Him to take care of me and to console and comfort me because of my weakness and because I don't really know what to do. The heart is a fragile thing, and when it breaks, only God can heal it. None of us are immune to real life (I mean that...none of us), and those particularly in touch with their feminine sides are going to the pangs of disappointment from a guy. Maybe once, maybe twice or more, but it seems to happen to everyone and it hurts, but God is strong and He knows what He's doing.
My emotions are very unstable and no particular emotion seems to last for too long, but when I experience an emotion, I really experience it with all the intensity and passion one can imagine. People have often described me as passionate. But I am like a desert sandstorm in the sense that after the experience, I can go back to nothing. I ended my first and only rlationship ever a few months ago and this week has been particularly hard because for some reason, it's on my mind again.
I feel like I have been begging and praying that God give me some superwoman power to avoid feeling this vulnerable and from having the desire to "go back there." But no, I have to struggle this out like any other woman does.
Because of my state (SSA and gender problems), God doesn't want anyone else to share my love with anyone else. He wants to have me all to Himself and wants me to be in love with Him alone, but why won't He pursue me so much that my mind doesn't drift from Him? Any woman wants her man to pursue her, so why won't God pursue me and why does He leave me wanting to be wanted? Lord, hear my prayer and heal me...
Satan keeps crawling into my mind telling me how I lost such a great man and won't let me remember all the problems and difficulties he and I had. He keeps telling me to lament and to pity myself and shows me images in my mind of him being with someone else and happy with that other person while the thought of me sickens him to no end. I just want God to block those thoughts, I don't want to experience human emotion because it's too hard for me. I don't want to have feelings or be attracted to anyone anymore nor do I want to deal with temptation in the world because it makes me hate being Catholic knowing that I'm giving up all that (even though what I'm gaining is infinitely greater, but I can't experience it to know). If this is how Catholicism has to be experienced, then I resent being baptized into this religion because I can't have temporal happiness either way. At least the Catholic way promises eternal happiness, but who can really contemplate eternity?
I still am in love, although I hate it because I can't have what I want. With him I would have a family, someone who cares about me, protection and safety from those who hate me and wish harm to me, companionship, encouragement (sometimes...ha), but I would be confined to Hell and have no access to Grace. Without Him, I can technically receive Sacraments and do good works and fast and give alms and have it amount to something, but I have to deal with a whole life time of being scared and always wondering what-if, and watching everyone around me have that which I do not have, I hate feeling left out, but then I could technically go to Heaven (or have a shot at it). This isn't fun and I hate the agony.
Satan sadistically likes the challenge I give him because I'm always on the brink, on that edge and threshold between Hell and Holiness and it would please him immensely for me to die having just barely breached the threshold so he can laugh in my face and tell me how everything I did was for nothing because I'm his now. I wish God would pull me so far into the realm of holiness and fill me with so much Grace that it would take lots of hard work for me to even get to the threshold. Satan won't do the same with the side of evil because if I were so far gone in that realm, I wouldn't be fun for him. Why torture me if he already has me?
This is one of those times where I sit and wonder what the heck my Guardian Angel is doing... Hello patron saints?? St. Christopher, St. Dominic, St. Patrick of Ireland, St. Maria Goretti, St. Anthony of Padua, do you all not see what I"m going through?????? Can I have one prayer on my behalf please? An Our FAther? Something, unless you guys don't care either.
All it would take is for God to just alter my feelings just ever so slightly, show Himself to me, and I swear, I would not have any attachment to worldly things.
While others are strong enough for sanctification through trials and tribulations, I am positive that my sanctification should be lived out in me not having to deal with any of that because I get easily discouraged and start to second guess all this.
Off to Adoration....begging my dear readership to say a prayer for me (Jesse, I know you got this part covered).
Btw, got through the Feast of St. Valentine, Martyr, unscathed and safely....because I actually observed it as the feast day of a Saint whose intercession I begged, and not some secular hearts and candy holiday which has no relation whatsoever.