Just Hoping to Do It Right

Father delivered his sermon at Holy Mass today on homosexuality and it was really good.  Praise God for his priestly wisdom and for the Holy Ghost giving him the words to say!  It wasn't the easiest sermon for me to listen to, but it was still really good.

I'm going to be starting a book study with my friend and it's called "Beginning to Pray" and I'm looking forward to it.  Prayer is difficult, even though it's something I've been doing my whole life, I still feel like I hardly know how to do it even though there have been times when I would pray for very lengthy periods of time.  I'm not quite sure how orthodox or pious this is, but I'm trying a new thing where when I pray to God (unless I'm reading a prayer), I just talk to Him normally like He's sitting right in front of my face and like He's a guidance counselor or something.  I try to talk to Him as normally as I would talk to them and tell Him EVERYTHING that is on my mind and exactly how I'm feeling, but that's still kinda hard because I'm so used to addressing the Most Holy Trinity very formally and like I'm trying to impress Him with my words.

Father recently told me in Confession that I need to be praying constantly.  This is from the Holy Scriptures after all, so maybe anytime I am having idle thoughts, I should just direct them towards God and tell Him those thoughts.  My goal is to be in constant communication with the Lord and involve Him in everything.  Now, if I'm doing something sinful or thinking about doing something sinful, I don't know how much I will be just talking to Him because that would feel really awkward...  Hopefully if I talk to Him often enough and truthfully enough, I can avoid those occasions of sin and this won't be an issue.  Priests have often told me to pray when undergoing temptation, but if I'm already experiencing the temptation and a strong pull towards it, what good would a prayer really do then?  I have prayed during temptation before and it did not really diminish the temptation at all and in the process I felt embarrassed to even think about God.  It was agonizing because I remember how guilty I felt, but also how angry I felt because I've prayed for Him to protect me from those moments.  In fact, in every Mass offered in the Extraordinary Form, there is a prayer that asks God to deliver us from all sin, past, present, and to come by the Passion, Resurrection, and Ascension of Jesus Christ, and through the intercession of our Blessed Mother, the Holy Apostles Peter, Paul, and Andrew and all the Saints.  Also, I've said my St. Michael the Archangel prayers (after all Masses and recitations of the Holy Rosary), so I'm confused as to why I even get tempted.  Do we not pray in the Lord's Prayer (aka, the most perfect prayer) for God to lead us not into temptation??  All these prayers against sin and temptation (even the Ordinary Form prays against these things), and they still happen.

I'll even add that when I pray these specific prayers, that I kick into high gear and really beg God to answer these specific prayers.

Then there is the issue that I do not receive Holy Communion very often, so one could argue that that is why I don't experience this divine protection because I don't taste of the Holy Mysteries often enough and with enough faith...  I don't think people understand how much I have to go to Confession to receive Holy Communion and although I love the Sacrament of Penance (it's healing, it gives Sanctifying Grace, it frees me from the bonds of death), but it is tiring and repetitive and the guilt is stronger with each Confession (but also the liberation more meaningful...) and it just makes Holy Communion not seem worth it...  Also, I'm so used to not receiving Holy Communion that it feels awkward to receive and I always worry if I'm doing it right and if I've prayed enough or fasted with a good enough intensity and read enough Scriptures.  It's like an Olympic sport trying to receive the Most Holy Sacrament of the Altar, yet the Church encourages her children to receive daily?!  I know that our Eastern Orthodox brothers and sisters do not share this belief (except for those in monasteries or under the advice of a spiritual father).  But it makes me wonder that since the Sacrament of Penance also confers Sanctifying Grace to save the soul from Hell if that should be my Sacrament and not Holy Communion.  What do you guys think about that?

I spent much time reading the Courage website this evening and meditation on chapter 7 of St. Paul the Apostle's Epistle to the Romans, verses 19-23 (from the Propers of the Seventh Sunday After Pentecost) and thinking about how the wages of sin is death and that I don't want to die (spiritually) and how that frightens me, especially since I reflected (with the aid of a few Saints' writings) on the pains and torments of Hell and how easy it is to find oneself in that horrible abyss of torment, hatred, foul odors, demons, and the loss of God.  And the intensity of the fires...

Lastly, I realize that one of my biggest hurdles in overcoming sin is the anger and bitterness that I have that I will never have a family or a husband or anyone who really loves me and that I'm going to have to live my life alone.  I am afraid I won't be strong enough to emotionally support myself through times when people usually count on their spouse to lean on.  I do plan on being able to support myself financially, but it would be such a beautiful thing to share a family vacation or go to my son or daughter's symphony concert or hockey game or participate in a charity with my husband and have someone to pray every single day with and grow closer to God and help me receive the Sacraments and save my soul.  It's not even just about sex or anything, but more of having a companion and I am trying very hard to just be at peace with the fact that God does not want that for me and that He will bless me something better if I'm obedient to Him, but I cannot see what could possibly be better than that :/

Night y'all

Am I Meant to Hate Life? (serious)

The Lord is good and kind and merciful even to those of us who really do not deserve it. Why does He keep taking me back after I betray Him again and again? One thing that I wish I had was the strength to be what God wants me to be and I'm still looking for that strength. I know I can find it in the Sacraments so maybe it's time to step up my game with the help of God's Grace of course.

I've been going over things in my head lately and things that are keeping me from holiness are thoughts that I may never really enjoy life if I don't have certain things. That's so immature, though and I just want so badly to look past that because nothing in this life lasts forever.

I'm not going to lie, I feel very cheated by life when it comes to a lot of things and I find it hard to come up with a reason why God would let me desire something sooo badly if it was 1) wrong and 2) something I'll never likely have anyways. It's like my whole life tortures me and I've prayed to find relief from those feelings, but it's like the more I pray for them to go away, the more they haunt me. Why is that do you think?

It just seems like basic things that most people around me have or experience, I either hardly have it if at all or don't get to experience them and it makes me have thoughts of env and that makes me think badly of others and then I feel like I'm in a pit alone and perpetually upset.

Couldn't God just make me happy with Himself? I've seen so many people who don't care that they are missing out on this or that but are so at peace and motivated in the Faith or just otherwise content, and I've begged God for that but those "nice" feelings only last a short time. All it takes is stepping out in public and boom I'm back to where I started and it seems that way no matter how hard I pray or try to think positively.

So that makes me wonder about some things: Does God want me to be happy at all? What would the point of "useless" suffering be? Is there anything I can do that I haven't tried already? I just want answers...

I'm not going to make an elaborate list of all these things that I want but I'll talk about one in particular for this post: feeling like I'm part of a church family.

I'm sick of going to Holy Mass or Adoration or any function and being by myself while others are with their families or friends (my friends visit Mass with me but wouldn't attend regularly and they only go for me; not because they want to). I feel like I'm invisible everywhere!! Which is funny because I try to make myself standout a lot while I'm so conscious of other peoples' presence and definitely notice them.

There are a few people at some churches that I attend who do converse with me shortly or see how I'm doing but I've never had the opportunity to get close with them or become friends. I thought Catholics were supposed to fellowship.

I even tried getting involved but that doesn't seem to fruitful either. How does God expect me to have consistent Faith and holiness if I can't even make friends with holy people? I've begged Him for close Catholic friends that would be my primary group of friends and with whom I could offer Mass, pray the Rosary, study the doctrine, and talk about spiritual things and so far they've been with people that I've met in Facebook groups and forums but not people with whom I could hang out.

I don't want to be tempted by sin everywhere but I also don't want to stay cooped up in my room staring at the wall because the alternative is hanging out with Godless people.

Then a lot of people have their Catholic religion-obsessed friends and take them for granted. What?! I love my friends so I'm not going to throw them away because they aren't believers especially when they've been so much more charitable and caring to me than most Catholics (Catholics seem to either just be acquaintances (girls) or they don't like me (guys)) so can you blame me for having such a struggle? It's so bizarre and contradictory.

So am I supposed to hate everything about life because I seem to not be able to enjoy the perks of being Catholic or a heathen, but only get the inconveniences of both. What is that...
When will this end???

Why Cannot I be at Peace with Masculinity?

http://www.laportelatine.org/district/ecoles/activitesecoles/stbernard/lab1105/lab1105.php#lacoste1105

Just read this article about men becoming women.  I know it's in French, but bear with me (I promise I won't mistranslate), and also it's from the SSPX France website, so my ethos wasn't extremely highly appealed to, but usually I get a lot out of reading what they have to say (unless it's about the Pope, Vatican II, Ordinary Form, et cetera).

Cliffs of the article:  A physics-chemistry teacher "changed" his sex to female.  A lot of students and parents are angry and the administration said that what really mattered was his professionalism, and that his personal life choices need to be respected by others, and so on and so forth.

Fr. de Lacoste SSPX writes how God distinctly created two sexes, male and female.  A male body therefore has a male soul (same with female body and female soul) which he quoted from St. Thomas Aquinas.  What your sex is determines what role you're supposed to play in society and in the family.  The theory of "gender" is man-made and false.  Males are not females.  The presence of the mother is highly necessary in the life of a child (I could say even moreso for fathers...).  Males and females are complentary to each other.  Some jobs should be for men only, others for women only.  The woman's domaine is taking care of the home.  The man's is providing for the home.  And others.  I mostly agree with this article, but it just raises a few questions.

What this Father fails to mention and address is a reality called Gender Identity Disorder and how that comes into play with one's perception of him or herself.  Father assumes that since I am physically a male that I know how to do and have an interest in doing all of the things that the says I should know how to do and be doing. 

I feel guilty that I basically am slapping God in the Face by "living more as a woman," but it's not like all of it is forced.  Most of it just feels "right and natural."  I do not doubt that God created me a man, nor do I believe He made a mistake, but at the same time I don't think that masculinity and femininity as defined by certain cultures is instinctual (some of it is I think), but definitely learned and conditioned.  The parents play a large part in that as I read that children learn how to interact with both sexes from interaction with their parents.  I was always really close to my mother and the women in my family, not so much to my father although I've been trying to change that these days.

What about males who grow up in single-parent homes with just a mom, and her friends and the female relatives on her side, and never had that male role model, but still turn out to be masculine, heterosexuals?  What about people who like me were born in the traditional, conservative nuclear family with males and females (more females though) and who become feminine and gay?  Most of the males in my family are heterosexual and masculine.

No one has an answer, I get it.  Sorry for asking.  Honestly, I'm being the only way I know how to be.  In spite of all the harassment and isolation I've experienced in my youth (I didn't have friends until high school), I still didn't learn.  I figured society could have beat it out of me.  My family didn't encourage it either, in fact I used to get in trouble a lot for being girly (which did lead me to feeling like I couldn't trust my family, they didn't understand, but I dont' think anyone really understands something like this), yet it didn't stop me either.  It made me more fearful, yeah, but I didn't know what to do.

I remember often during Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament when I was younger (and I find myself doing this here and there today, but I try not to) just asking God why me?  Lord, how can I bring others to Your Church if they're turned off by me?  Why can't You deliver me from these things so that people will take me seriously when I declare Your marvelous works to them?  Why can't You make me love what You created me to be, instead of letting me be in the anguish of being stuck between two things that are opposed to each other?



Sacrament of Holy Matrimony

 So badly do I want to be a mother and a wife and have a family to try and raise beautiful and devout Catholic children and have a husband to keep me safe and to encourage and strengthen me in the faith and someone to offer Holy Mass with and to pray with.  Someone with whom I do not have to try to defend the Faith and argue religion or teach him about religion, but someone who can be a constant spiritual support for me (and also to relieve myself...if you know what I mean), and to see him when I look at my children.  But that will never happen, and that's okay really.  It's sad, but I have been praying that God help me not to envy heterosexuals and Catholic married couples, but rather to praise God for the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.  Also, the Lord knows that I couldn't handle certain things like the death or a spouse or children or having children who leave the Church or having the possibility of my husband leaving me because someone better came along and I'd be stuck in the Sacrament alone. 

I consider others and their crosses, and I can see that they are things that they can struggle through while still being in the Church Militant (Roman Catholics that are alive and on Earth), but why are my crosses such that I have to put the Faith on hold until I'm free of them?  How come I can't work out my salvation until I find some way to not have same-sex attraction or gender identity disorder, and then (and only then) may I start to really atone for my sins?  What if I want God to help me and that I want to be in His Church so that I can find the healing and forgiveness I need?  It just doesn't seem to make sense, and that's why I've toyed with the idea of Calvinism and wondered if I am already damned and God is just making sure that I know that now so that Satan can have all the more the joy at my being thrown into Hell.

Part of me knows that cannot be true and is contrary to what Christianity teaches (Calvinism has been officially declared heresy afterall), but I'm just not seeing it.  Perhaps is Faith and Hope are disordered.  A friend (who is actually in seminary!!  Wooot!!!) told me that it's that constant struggle of totally relying on God's Grace, realizing we can do nothing to save ourselves, but then adding in our part as well and cooperating with that Grace.

Lord, I do not know all Your ways, but I do know that they are Truth and Life.  I pray that You never abandon me to the end, but that You deliver me and remember Your promise to me through the Blood of Thy Son, Jesus.  Through the intercession of Your most holy Mother, the pure and ever Virgin Mary, free me from all my iniquity and grant that I may be eternally pleasing to Thee.  Amen+++

Satan Beat Me Today

It seems as the days go by I'm feeling more and more in my spirit the imminence of the desert and the approaching fasts.  I am in exile because of my sins and rightfully so.  The Lord is turning His Face away from me for a reason, and all His judgments are true (Apocalypse XIX, 2) and I hate that I get angry at them and sin by complaining to God to deliver me from them.

Satan beat me again today.  I got up to go to Mass in Pittsburgh, but when I saw the weather, I got scared and then I didn't have enough money to put gas in my tank I realized once I got to the gas station.  I went to another church, St. Bernard of Clairvaux Church, because Mass was starting there in 15 minutes.  I was a little late, but the whole time driving to the church I was very disappointed because I had wanted to go to the Extraordinary Form so badly, and then I felt guilty for wanting to go to one Form of the Mass over another.  God could not be thinking highly of that because in His Eyes, it's one and the same Sacrifice.

I wanted so badly to give thanks and to praise God during the Liturgy, but all I could think of was how I'm making hardly any money, I feel isolated from Catholics and a lot of people in general (I even feel isolated from my friends in a sense), how I feel isolated from my family, my coworkers, my classmates, other Blacks, other gays, men and women, everyone.  I thought about how I really need to try to do homework this week and get my accounting textbook and start studying hard when all I want to do all day is pray and commune with God and get answers.

These were not the feelings I wanted to have during Holy Mass.  I wanted to pray with attention and fervor, but I feel like it was all forced today and I had to try really, really hard to concentrate.  The tone of the Readings was actually helpful.  The First Reading spoke of leprosy and being unclean because of it, and how the priests had to pray it away through the power of God and of course I was yearning to go to Confession after reading it.  The Responsorial Psalm was about crying out to God in times of trouble, but don't I already do that?  What is the point of it?  Since it's from the Holy Scriptures, there has to be some salvific counterpart to it.  Perhaps I'm just not seeing it.  I'm very distressed.  The Second Reading was St. Paul the Apostle exhorting Christians to glorify God in all things and be imitators of Christ.  And the Holy Gospel was the miracle of Jesus healing the leper. 

Has God made me to be a "leper" in terms of our society and times?  Nothing about me is really pleasing to anyone, Catholic or heathen, and is there anything pleasing about me to God?  He's still pushing me to persevere even though I really want to just let go right now.  I just need to know and feel that Heaven is a possibility for me and that it is my true home and that one day God will fly me away there swiftly.



Angel ministering to Our Lord in His Agony



These spiritual and temporal chastisements seem very intense, and I wonder if others at church feel the same thing.  Are others out there tarrying in distress and tears but hoping in God all the same?  Do others offer the Mass praying and begging God for deliverance and peace? 

You know, if this is how worn out and despised I feel with the relatively little hard things I have to deal with, what strength hath the Lord that He bore this throughout His whole life feeling the weight of the sin of His creation crushing Him and beating Him to the ground and leading Him to the humiliation of the Cross?  This love I just still do not understand (in theory I do) because it's hard for me to bear my own burdens for myself, how could I do this for another, or even for all flesh that has ever lived?

The Lord commands me to take up my cross and follow Him (Holy Gospel according to St. Luke IX, 23) and I want to.  I want to glory in my struggles like St. Paul the Apostle because power is made perfect in infirmity (Second Epistle of St. Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians XII, 9), but what can I really glory in with out the help from God?  I need His Grace so much right now because I want Life and that Life only comes from Him Who is Life, Jesus Christ, glory be to Him. 

For whatever reason, the Lord has willed that I struggle with whatever I struggle with and He knows why and it has to work out for the best (Epistle of St. Paul the Apostle to the Romans VIII, 28) and I need to trust that He will lead me in His paths and hold me to righteousness because He is my deliverer, my protection, and my salvation.  He's already created me and brought my soul out of death through the Sacrament of Baptism, He's strengthened me with the Holy Ghost in the Sacrament of Confirmation, He forgives me my sins in the Sacrament of Penance, and He feeds my starving soul with His Body and Blood in the Sacrament of Holy Communion.  There has to be a happy ending but I just need to hold on for just a while longer and really intensify my praying, fasting, and almsgiving because we never know when we will have to face Him as the Terrible Judge, at which point He will no longer be merciful.

O Mary, help of Christians, pray for us