Our Lord Jesus Christ, the King

Our Lord Jesus Christ, the King
Thou art the King of Glory, O Lord Jesus Christ; when Thou didst take upon Thee to deliver man, Thou didst not abhor the Virgin's Womb

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Why Cannot I be at Peace with Masculinity?


Just read this article about men becoming women.  I know it's in French, but bear with me (I promise I won't mistranslate), and also it's from the SSPX France website, so my ethos wasn't extremely highly appealed to, but usually I get a lot out of reading what they have to say (unless it's about the Pope, Vatican II, Ordinary Form, et cetera).

Cliffs of the article:  A physics-chemistry teacher "changed" his sex to female.  A lot of students and parents are angry and the administration said that what really mattered was his professionalism, and that his personal life choices need to be respected by others, and so on and so forth.

Fr. de Lacoste SSPX writes how God distinctly created two sexes, male and female.  A male body therefore has a male soul (same with female body and female soul) which he quoted from St. Thomas Aquinas.  What your sex is determines what role you're supposed to play in society and in the family.  The theory of "gender" is man-made and false.  Males are not females.  The presence of the mother is highly necessary in the life of a child (I could say even moreso for fathers...).  Males and females are complentary to each other.  Some jobs should be for men only, others for women only.  The woman's domaine is taking care of the home.  The man's is providing for the home.  And others.  I mostly agree with this article, but it just raises a few questions.

What this Father fails to mention and address is a reality called Gender Identity Disorder and how that comes into play with one's perception of him or herself.  Father assumes that since I am physically a male that I know how to do and have an interest in doing all of the things that the says I should know how to do and be doing. 

I feel guilty that I basically am slapping God in the Face by "living more as a woman," but it's not like all of it is forced.  Most of it just feels "right and natural."  I do not doubt that God created me a man, nor do I believe He made a mistake, but at the same time I don't think that masculinity and femininity as defined by certain cultures is instinctual (some of it is I think), but definitely learned and conditioned.  The parents play a large part in that as I read that children learn how to interact with both sexes from interaction with their parents.  I was always really close to my mother and the women in my family, not so much to my father although I've been trying to change that these days.

What about males who grow up in single-parent homes with just a mom, and her friends and the female relatives on her side, and never had that male role model, but still turn out to be masculine, heterosexuals?  What about people who like me were born in the traditional, conservative nuclear family with males and females (more females though) and who become feminine and gay?  Most of the males in my family are heterosexual and masculine.

No one has an answer, I get it.  Sorry for asking.  Honestly, I'm being the only way I know how to be.  In spite of all the harassment and isolation I've experienced in my youth (I didn't have friends until high school), I still didn't learn.  I figured society could have beat it out of me.  My family didn't encourage it either, in fact I used to get in trouble a lot for being girly (which did lead me to feeling like I couldn't trust my family, they didn't understand, but I dont' think anyone really understands something like this), yet it didn't stop me either.  It made me more fearful, yeah, but I didn't know what to do.

I remember often during Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament when I was younger (and I find myself doing this here and there today, but I try not to) just asking God why me?  Lord, how can I bring others to Your Church if they're turned off by me?  Why can't You deliver me from these things so that people will take me seriously when I declare Your marvelous works to them?  Why can't You make me love what You created me to be, instead of letting me be in the anguish of being stuck between two things that are opposed to each other?

Sacrament of Holy Matrimony
 So badly do I want to be a mother and a wife and have a family to try and raise beautiful and devout Catholic children and have a husband to keep me safe and to encourage and strengthen me in the faith and someone to offer Holy Mass with and to pray with.  Someone with whom I do not have to try to defend the Faith and argue religion or teach him about religion, but someone who can be a constant spiritual support for me (and also to relieve myself...if you know what I mean), and to see him when I look at my children.  But that will never happen, and that's okay really.  It's sad, but I have been praying that God help me not to envy heterosexuals and Catholic married couples, but rather to praise God for the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.  Also, the Lord knows that I couldn't handle certain things like the death or a spouse or children or having children who leave the Church or having the possibility of my husband leaving me because someone better came along and I'd be stuck in the Sacrament alone. 

I consider others and their crosses, and I can see that they are things that they can struggle through while still being in the Church Militant (Roman Catholics that are alive and on Earth), but why are my crosses such that I have to put the Faith on hold until I'm free of them?  How come I can't work out my salvation until I find some way to not have same-sex attraction or gender identity disorder, and then (and only then) may I start to really atone for my sins?  What if I want God to help me and that I want to be in His Church so that I can find the healing and forgiveness I need?  It just doesn't seem to make sense, and that's why I've toyed with the idea of Calvinism and wondered if I am already damned and God is just making sure that I know that now so that Satan can have all the more the joy at my being thrown into Hell.

Part of me knows that cannot be true and is contrary to what Christianity teaches (Calvinism has been officially declared heresy afterall), but I'm just not seeing it.  Perhaps is Faith and Hope are disordered.  A friend (who is actually in seminary!!  Wooot!!!) told me that it's that constant struggle of totally relying on God's Grace, realizing we can do nothing to save ourselves, but then adding in our part as well and cooperating with that Grace.

Lord, I do not know all Your ways, but I do know that they are Truth and Life.  I pray that You never abandon me to the end, but that You deliver me and remember Your promise to me through the Blood of Thy Son, Jesus.  Through the intercession of Your most holy Mother, the pure and ever Virgin Mary, free me from all my iniquity and grant that I may be eternally pleasing to Thee.  Amen+++

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