Okay sisters and brothers in the Lord, here's a letter I sent to a friend on Sunday that had some points that I'd like to share with you all as well.
Time for update number 2... Well last week sucked as far as classes are concerned because I only went to two sessions all week. Haven't done any homework at this point nor have I really talked to any of my professors, but I plan on doing that this week, Deus vult. Btw, one of my professors is the deacon of the Byzantine Catholic church near here. He and I conversed shortly, but you know me with my fear of being judged by others I kinda peace out. He's nice though, took me to my first Liturgy of the Presanctified Gifts and discussed Eastern Catholicism with me awhile back.
Holy Mass was great today and all of the readings/prayers spoke to my heart (particularly the Introit, Epistle, Gradual/Tract, and Holy Gospel). Much food for thought in them and quite a hopeful tone in parts of those prayers/antiphons to counter the otherwise distressful feeling that they should evoke. I prayed that I persevere throughout Quadragesima and that I grow spiritually and that God turn my good resolutions and intentions into actions.
Father and I have been talking through e-mail regarding spiritual direction (refer to my blog http://hellorholiness.blogspot.com/ to see why I'm a little frustrated with it). All this running around is wearing me out and I just need rest mentally.
I'm very disappointed in myself for not running the race to obtain that incorruptible crown. I hate admitting that my motivations to be pious and faithful are so that I can have the esteem of others, of course I want to please God as well, but I am struggling to make Him my motivation and think of what He did for me and the helps He gives us. I really wish I could be obedient and that this interior battle between pleasure and piety would cease. I'm praying for the peace of Jesus Christ and the comfort of the Holy Ghost so that I can be pleasing to the Father. For years, every time I go to Holy Mass and there are a lot of people, I just feel like I do not belong there but am always glad that I went anyways. I'm tired of being scared of my own kind, Catholics.
Anyways, I'm praying to humbly, obediently, and trustingly follow Christ into the desert and learn from Him and let Him lead me where He wants to lead me. He is really going to have to give me perseverence because I lack in that and I'm here and there with religion, but I can say and do know for the sure that I do want the Catholic Church and I want to be Catholic, and I also wish I'd stop being such a big baby so what if people don't like me it means nothing. It's absurd and ridiculous that I care about what other people think of me Catholic or not and they aren't my judges. I need to shake the feeling somehow that how other Catholics view is me perfectly indicative of how God views me and that if they had a better opinion of me then God has a good opinion of me. In my mind I know that that is such a demonic lie to try to discourage me, but I need to break free of it.
I do thank and praise God for speaking to me so much during the Liturgy today and for keeping me concentrated on prayer and being real with Him and not so much trying to "put on a show for others so they think that I'm cool enough to be a true traditionalist Latin Masser." If I can just keep my eyes focused on Him somehow...
As somber as this e-mail sounds, though, I am doing okay and I'm not falling apart or anything. I'm surprisingly keeping it together fairly well, although I may not be in the best of moods all the time, but I can't really complain much and I cannot say that I'm feeling hopeless either! Maybe there is Light at the end of the tunnel after all =)
In nomine Christis,
Just something I thought I'd share. God bless.