Our Lord Jesus Christ, the King

Our Lord Jesus Christ, the King
Thou art the King of Glory, O Lord Jesus Christ; when Thou didst take upon Thee to deliver man, Thou didst not abhor the Virgin's Womb

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Spiritual direction and my opposition to it

Message to a priest regarding spriitual direction:

Dear Father,

The reason I wasn't there on Monday was because, unbeknownst to me, I had to work (I hadn't yet checked my schedule and after I got off the phone with Carol, I went on campus to talk to financial aid and other admins about the holds on my record, course registration etc, then I went to get my schedule from work and I had a 5-8PM shift, so I couldn't make it.  I told her I was planning on coming, but wasn't sure. 

Honestly, I'm just getting frustrated because everyone I talk to about Catholicism is all like "Oh you need direction you need direction and go to Courage go to Courage" because apparently I'm just an awful heathen (despite my assisting frequently at Holy Mass and Adoration and praying all the time, reading my Missal all the time and going to Latin Mass when I can and used to say daily Rosaries and go to Confession on a weekly basis,,,,which really was getting difficult because I hate confessing the same things, I can't keep Sanctifying Grace but for short periods at at time...). 

I know the Scriptures really well and the Catechisms and some encyclicals and Doctors' writings, and I read these things all the time and try to build a better spiritual life!  It really angers and frustrates me when people look down on me as a person and as a Catholic because 1) I had a boyfriend, 2) because I identify more with women than with men and yes I'm more effeminate and therefore consider myself to have more feminine energy, but every time I even try to mention how isolated and mean and marginalized I have been made to feel by males from my youth continuing into today, does it really surprise them that I identify more with women and I hate to say it, but Catholic and other Christian men haven't been great to me either, even the nice ones (still keep a certain distance, and I am sick of chasing them begging them for their friendship...I'm not chasing anyone anymore).  

Around traditional Catholic men I would tend to "hide" myself more for fear of rejection and humiliation and the fact that online, they can be pretty harsh and I don't want to deal with that at church or at Holy Mass..  Every time I go to Holy Mass, the fact that I am gay is so strikingly apparent to me that I do have this "them versus me" attitude.  I'm such a bad person for deciding to take up the veil and cover my head almost exclusively in public for pious reasons that have to do with the Blessed Mother, purity, chastity, and my fear and discomfort at feeling exposed; and in church submission to God (and helping me to concentrate on not judge others), but it's okay that girls can wear mini skirts, spaghetti straps, and men can come in in jerseys and sports attire and practically sleep the entire Liturgy away, me, who actually participates (without receiving Communion of course (I do sometimes)), I'm such a bad person. 

I'm so sick of people thinking my sins are worse than others'.  Lastly, if women aren't required by Canon Law to cover their heads anymore and just have the option, then I'm not obligated to not cover either.  If people want to get technical with me. 

3) For traditional Catholics I'm too modern, for modern Catholics I'm too traditional and it's like I can't fit in anywhere, so honestly, that's why I just do me, I go to Holy Mass as myself and not how "they" want to be because it hasn't necessarily made them become friends with me anyways and I'm not gonna sit in Mass and feel guilty about them not accepting me when I have adoration and thanksgiving to offer to the Father through the Son, and I have sins to atone for and graces for which to beg...  I get bullied way too much. 

I'm a work in progress, and my soul may not be in its best state, but I do not abuse the Sacraments, I do not behave irreverently in church, I try to accept Roman Catholicism in its totality (much more than I can say for other people...sorry to sound judgmental, but I can't take it anymore).  Also, these [good] Catholics throwing down my throat that i need exorcisms and therapy and this and that, yet what do they need??  Why am I so much worse than them?  Oh right, because I happen to be attracted to men...my bad.

I have prayed about this and honestly I'm afraid that if I went to direction, I was going to have to change and correct all my spiritual wrongs in the space of one second and that's intimidating, but they keep harassing me about and I want to go, but I don't know exactly what I want to get out of it.  I don't have any goals per se, I just thought that maybe I needed to Confess more so I could receive Communion.  I'd like to be a regular communicant as opposed to just once every couple months or so.  I feel like the lack of Grace from communicating is apparent but which came first the chicken or the egg. 

So I feel like homosexuals, after my research on it and studying predestination, sometimes can automatically (but not always) fall into the reprobate group, but usually only if they're very knowledgeable and have consciences that have them in checkmate about everything.  Me!  I can't find anything from the Church on gender identity and stuff unless it concerns fatherhood, motherhood, priesthood, so I cannot verify whether or not acting girly and having a more effeminate way of being is mortally sinful as some say.  If cross dressing is mortally sinful (I mean I read somethingin the Book of Deuteronomy), then I'm out of luck because I don't feel like myself in mens' clothing all the time.  Sorry.

It just sucks because I really love the Church, I love going to Mass and Adoration, for some reason, assisting at the Sacred Mysteries, be it in the Ordinary or Extraordinary Form or Divine Liturgy puts me at peace and causes my anxiety to cease even when I'm amongst the most strict of the strict or the most irreverent of the irreverent (provided that the Mass doesn't become invalid due to certain abuses).  The Sacrifice seems so healing and profound and just imagining the love of God leading Him to that act of extreme selflessness and obedience to the Father, and I just yearn...yearn to receive Holy Communion but even if I don't that's okay.  I still feel like I got something, especially if I make acts of perfect contrition during and my sins remitted (but I still won't receive unless I confess).

I don't know if this puts anything into perspective for you, Father, but I tried to be somewhat clear and honest, even though I'm just typing as soon as the thought comes to my head, not trying to think too hard about it but just being natural.

In nomine Christis,

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