Random Thoughts About My Current Life

In the mood to make another post to just get my thoughts out, not really a theme to this post, but just some ramblings...

For the first time in my entire life, I was did not celebrate liturgically the Solemnity of solemnities, the Feast of the Christian people, the reference point of our holy religion:  the Solemnity of the Resurrection of the Lord.  I don't really feel anything because of it either.  Guilt is there, but at the same time, since I feel worlds away from the Church, kind of like I've been ejected with a mighty force, I'm not really sad...  That is kinda worrisome.  I won't lie, I do miss praying and going to Mass and reflecting on how to be a better Christian, but it's not where I am at the moment.

Right now, I want to just figure things out.  I want to figure out a way to do well in school so I can graduate and at least say I have a degree.  For some reason, I cannot consistently concentrate on work and my grades have gone to Hell in a handbasket.  I want to succeed and make something of myself and do not want to be stuck working as a Crew Member at Burger King for the rest of my life.  How do I get some consistency with studying and excelling?  I know I'm capable of getting great grades; I've gotten all A's before, but something has been going on that has just made this semester push me ten thousand steps back.  I owe this to my family and to myself and to Black people, gays, transgendered persons, and those who are marginalized to show that we can succeed and we can be "better" and make something out of ourselves and that we cannot let society tell us that we can't.

Weight gain has been difficult and I haven't gained much and it's expensive to eat more food, but I need to have this body.  It will be the key to my social success and will make me feel better about my own self knowing that if others reject me, at least it won't be because I'm not physically on par.  I'm sick of being skinny and I'm way past anorexia and do not want to ever go back there.  I have been strong my whole life and physically I can be strong and strapping as well.  There really is no reason for me to have to take a back seat to others when I can be where they are and have the same respect that others give them.  I don't want to be that "awww little cute kid" that girls think I am...  Don't pity me, goodness, ughh.

I really like the new outfits I got for my birthday.  I'm finally wearing shorts again!!!  Why hide these legs when they're one of my best features?  I thought I would loath dressing like a straight guy, but it's actually kind of fun.  Granted, I still like the girl stuff as well and still think it's cute, but I don't really wear those kinds of clothes.  I would like to still wear them, sure, and yes, I feel kind of fake and conceited dressing in this new way, but I figure I'll test the waters for a while to see what happens and if I get the attention I want from people, I'll definitely keep it up.  I look really good in these new clothes and must say that I still have my hand at style, I just need to be able to afford these kinds of clothes on the regular.  It sucks not making enough to buy the clothes you want.

Getting an iPhone 4!!!!  My BlackBerry Storm 2 can take a serious hike because I hate the thing, it's old, beat, cracked screen, and it's not really an "in" phone anymore.  The iPhone is much more popular on college campuses and much more enviable and definitely a hotter phone and the technology on it is killer.  At any rate, it can't be worse than a BlackBerry...  I noticed all the cool and popular kids (if you can call them that) have them and it won't be as embarrassing to use my phone I guess.

Next on my list is to save up for an Xbox 360 and a flat screen and start playing Call of Duty and whatever other games guys play these days.  Those video games really are not my style, but I'm all about trying new things these days and even am about to try to start learning about sports and keeping up to date on the stats of popular players and teams and what not.

This whole makeover is kind of fun and will probably give me the boost I need to keep moving forward and achieve my goals.  I don't have to be a loser anymore or that "weird kid" or whatever.  None of that really pays off anyways.  Being nice and a pushover all the time really was getting me nowhere and it was making people take advantage of me which is going to stop.  I'm not a door mat, nor am I someone who doesn't have feelings and wishes and I don't need to be treated like utter crap because I'm different.  I have just as much a right to be in this world as anyone else and I don't need to take bs for it.  I am a strong person and I will succeed and I will be better.

All those who tried to keep me down, discourage me, tell me I wasn't good enough or that I couldn't do it are going to see that I will make room for myself.  If you don't like me, that's not my problem anymore.  I spent too long hurting myself and feeling guilty trying to make those people happy and just led to rejection after rejection, well now it's time for me to stand up and accept myself (with a few nuances...you should always please the customer if they're willing to pay).

God put me on this Earth for a reason and I am going to discover what that reason is.  I need to stay positive and encourage myself even when others will not (although I greatly appreciate the encouragement I do/did get).  I shouldn't settle for anything less than what I want and what I know I am capable of having.

It seems like a lot of people were all too happy to show me the door (figuratively speaking) out of the Church and criticize my every move and never fail to let me know in roundabout ways how much of a freaking heathen they thought I was.... I also would like to point out how hard I did try to get traditional Catholics to accept me and put myself through a lot and denied myself a lot to try to get their approval, but they ALWAYS had something to say, always...  Never looking at any other Catholics' flaws, but just mine.  It's exhausting, I can only try so hard, I can only fail so much until I try something different so now I am.

Yes, I have been receiving e-mails and messages from people telling me that they do miss me at church and are still praying for me and are hoping I come back and what not, but I still have trads screaming in my ears and before my eyes.  When I think of Catholicism, I think of those people that did everything they could to try to keep me away from the Church and feeling isolated.  I'm having a hard time thinking of those kind and holy souls that did so much to try and help me stay in (the screams are louder than the rubs on the back).  It sucks, because I want to reach out to those people and tell them how much I appreciated all they did for me.  I still think the Latin Mass is a beautiful gem of the Church and a holy expression of our Faith and worship, but the people that attend...  There's still a lot of pent up anger that I'm trying to drain out (and once it's out I'm  hoping I'll be able to have the humility to go back to church), but my best friend is telling me how much funner I am as a "non religious" person.  It makes me mad when he says that, but oh well.  He doesn't change his mind either.

Alright, that's enough for now.  My racing thoughts are all over the place and I could write ten more pages, but I'll let you ponder that.  I'll ponder it myself.  I am happier these days.  I don't know.  Class at 8 AM.

Hope everyone had a great Easter and will have a blessed Easter Season.

PS:  I'm STILL waiting to hear from my spiritual director, if he doesn't answer me soon, then I'm done with that.

Satan Beat Me Today

It seems as the days go by I'm feeling more and more in my spirit the imminence of the desert and the approaching fasts.  I am in exile because of my sins and rightfully so.  The Lord is turning His Face away from me for a reason, and all His judgments are true (Apocalypse XIX, 2) and I hate that I get angry at them and sin by complaining to God to deliver me from them.

Satan beat me again today.  I got up to go to Mass in Pittsburgh, but when I saw the weather, I got scared and then I didn't have enough money to put gas in my tank I realized once I got to the gas station.  I went to another church, St. Bernard of Clairvaux Church, because Mass was starting there in 15 minutes.  I was a little late, but the whole time driving to the church I was very disappointed because I had wanted to go to the Extraordinary Form so badly, and then I felt guilty for wanting to go to one Form of the Mass over another.  God could not be thinking highly of that because in His Eyes, it's one and the same Sacrifice.

I wanted so badly to give thanks and to praise God during the Liturgy, but all I could think of was how I'm making hardly any money, I feel isolated from Catholics and a lot of people in general (I even feel isolated from my friends in a sense), how I feel isolated from my family, my coworkers, my classmates, other Blacks, other gays, men and women, everyone.  I thought about how I really need to try to do homework this week and get my accounting textbook and start studying hard when all I want to do all day is pray and commune with God and get answers.

These were not the feelings I wanted to have during Holy Mass.  I wanted to pray with attention and fervor, but I feel like it was all forced today and I had to try really, really hard to concentrate.  The tone of the Readings was actually helpful.  The First Reading spoke of leprosy and being unclean because of it, and how the priests had to pray it away through the power of God and of course I was yearning to go to Confession after reading it.  The Responsorial Psalm was about crying out to God in times of trouble, but don't I already do that?  What is the point of it?  Since it's from the Holy Scriptures, there has to be some salvific counterpart to it.  Perhaps I'm just not seeing it.  I'm very distressed.  The Second Reading was St. Paul the Apostle exhorting Christians to glorify God in all things and be imitators of Christ.  And the Holy Gospel was the miracle of Jesus healing the leper. 

Has God made me to be a "leper" in terms of our society and times?  Nothing about me is really pleasing to anyone, Catholic or heathen, and is there anything pleasing about me to God?  He's still pushing me to persevere even though I really want to just let go right now.  I just need to know and feel that Heaven is a possibility for me and that it is my true home and that one day God will fly me away there swiftly.



Angel ministering to Our Lord in His Agony



These spiritual and temporal chastisements seem very intense, and I wonder if others at church feel the same thing.  Are others out there tarrying in distress and tears but hoping in God all the same?  Do others offer the Mass praying and begging God for deliverance and peace? 

You know, if this is how worn out and despised I feel with the relatively little hard things I have to deal with, what strength hath the Lord that He bore this throughout His whole life feeling the weight of the sin of His creation crushing Him and beating Him to the ground and leading Him to the humiliation of the Cross?  This love I just still do not understand (in theory I do) because it's hard for me to bear my own burdens for myself, how could I do this for another, or even for all flesh that has ever lived?

The Lord commands me to take up my cross and follow Him (Holy Gospel according to St. Luke IX, 23) and I want to.  I want to glory in my struggles like St. Paul the Apostle because power is made perfect in infirmity (Second Epistle of St. Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians XII, 9), but what can I really glory in with out the help from God?  I need His Grace so much right now because I want Life and that Life only comes from Him Who is Life, Jesus Christ, glory be to Him. 

For whatever reason, the Lord has willed that I struggle with whatever I struggle with and He knows why and it has to work out for the best (Epistle of St. Paul the Apostle to the Romans VIII, 28) and I need to trust that He will lead me in His paths and hold me to righteousness because He is my deliverer, my protection, and my salvation.  He's already created me and brought my soul out of death through the Sacrament of Baptism, He's strengthened me with the Holy Ghost in the Sacrament of Confirmation, He forgives me my sins in the Sacrament of Penance, and He feeds my starving soul with His Body and Blood in the Sacrament of Holy Communion.  There has to be a happy ending but I just need to hold on for just a while longer and really intensify my praying, fasting, and almsgiving because we never know when we will have to face Him as the Terrible Judge, at which point He will no longer be merciful.

O Mary, help of Christians, pray for us