It's 3 AM and I cannot sleep (not that this is unusual in and of itself), but laying in bed was just not doing it for me because I know I'm anxious and when I'm anxious, I have racing thoughts.
But I feel like my thoughts aren't really racing, my mind just happens to be in a daze or blur. Hmm...idk.
I remember that while conversing with my bestie the other day about the state of our lives and how I just feel "different" like not myself, like I'm very numb to so much and almost indifferent to everything. The fighter spirit and being a "jusqu'au-boutiste" (as we say in la langue de Voltaire) just doesn't seem to be in me anymore, I'm hardly motivated to do anything it seems. I feel so resigned, but resigned to what (certainly not to the will of God as I wish I were...)? Still feeling like I'm stuck in some kind of twilight zone and just lost.
I wonder if this is God answering my prayer to prepare me for the 40 days with Him in the desert of Quadragesima because I just feel quite detached, and the numbness probably from over exertion and over exhaustion. Prayer has been a big part of my life again recently, but like I said before, that's it. Pray, meditate, sleep. Repeat.
But that's not right. Prayer should never just stop at that. Prayer should move us to action really, especially considering the things I pray for. It makes me wonder how many opportunities I've missed to respond to Actual Grace and to see an answer to my prayer (or to someone else's).
Found out at Holy Mass that Father is being transferred. I won't lie, I teared up a bit during when he was reading us the letter he wrote. It was very melancholic. He and I have had our issues what with me being so traditional and him being very contemporary, but the spiritual help he has given me is priceless. All the encouragement and meeting me with me and the spiritual direction. It will be hard to see him go becaue he has been the pastor here since way before I started school here. I don't like change and this will be hard, but I trust that the new priest will also be a caring minister of the Lord.
I can't explain fully why nothing feels the same anymore or why this or that has happened to me, but I give thanks to God anyways because it just feels like I should. I'm still living. I have food and a roof. I have support and because I have Him. But eventually I'm going to have to come out of my little hiding place and do His work at some point, and I will get to that point with His help. I haven't lost yet, I just need some direction that's all. To be more methodical and stop being in wonder so much.
Lord, just help me pull through =)