I'm Black. I struggle with SSA (same-sex attraction). I have gender issues. I'm Roman Catholic. I prefer to worship in the Extraordinary Form (Traditional Latin Mass).
Are your eyebrows raised yet? Mine sure are, and I've known myself (or do I?) for almost 24 years! Creating this blog is something that I had been pondering for quite some time, but did not really know where to begin. Giving background information is tedious, but for the sake of being better understood, I have to do it. Most likely I will over time as needed instead of throwing all this information out at once because I'm sure people will quickly lose interest.
But what is this blog about? Basically, I need feedback. I want to share my thoughts and feelings about how to cope with certain struggles that I have and hoping that there are others out there who will be able to relate and share how they have overcome.
It seems that most Roman Catholics, while maintaining that homosexual acts are sinful, are accepting of the persons who struggle with SSA, but I have not found much on how traditionalists perceive us, and this is obviously a concern since I frequently attend Latin Mass. Would they accept me as a friend? Am I justified in being afraid to talk to them, but rather leave church after offering my Thanksgiving After Mass?
I would love to be a member of a Black Catholic community, but every church I've been to did not seem to have any emphasis on Orthodoxy but rather culture celebration. Not to mention that I find the liturgies to be borderline inappropriate and worthy of the Presence of Christ in the Blessed Sacrament. To me, Holy Mass is a Sacrifice of atonement that bring salvation where we offer to God what He has given us; a supernatural help of sorts, but not a manifestation of culture (per se) and community (which I find should be teriary at best, but not primary). It is awkward being the only Black in assistance at worship, and normally it doesn't even cross my mind, but it would be nice to meet other Black traditional Catholics (I know one and she is my girl on some real!!!).
Lastly, the gender issue. This one is very hard and I feel like I am the only one in this situation, but I really struggle with identifying as a man and actually hate any masculine traits about myself. This causes a lot of strife between myself and how I perceive myself as a Christian, because there seems to be no answer. I can't just "stop" being girly and feminine because it's part of me and I've kinda conditioned myself this way over the years even as a child, I just never "felt right" as a man. Feelings really mean nothing, but ehh it's just a source of much stress and guilt. I'll say it now and just get it out of the way, scream at me if you must but here goes:
Yes, I do cover my head out in public, and during Holy Mass (I don't cover if I'm around all women though). My reasonings for doing so are different for the two, for instance, I cover at Mass and Adoration because Christ is present and to help lower my gaze and avoid distractions that will take my mind off of the Sacrifice and in honor of the Blessed Virgin and because I want to be the bride of Christ. I cover my head in public because I feel safer, less exposed, and prefer to stay concealed. Ideally, I'd like to wear a niqab, but living in the hick town that I go to school in, prob not a good idea.
I'm a huge doctrine and apologetics fan which a penchant towards spirituality so I'll be discussing those things as well.
Please keep me in your prayers!
Ad Jesum, per Mariam,