Our Lord Jesus Christ, the King

Our Lord Jesus Christ, the King
Thou art the King of Glory, O Lord Jesus Christ; when Thou didst take upon Thee to deliver man, Thou didst not abhor the Virgin's Womb

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Why I'm Most Ashamed of Being Gay

I was browsing through Fisheaters trad Catholic forum yesterday for awhile and came across a thread on homosexuality.

I can't particularly recall what the question was but I remember a post by one of the members of the forum whom I admire particularly because he is super traditional and eloquent and usually makes good points and arguments.  He quoted the first chapter of the Epistle of St. Paul the Apostle to the Romans and said that homosexuality is punishment for a sin committed earlier in life most likely during childhood. 

This had upset a few other posters, but when I thought about the Scripture he had quoted (which I admit, I had problems understanding the full extent of those verses myself for a long time (it hurts to hear that God has "delivered you up" but just because it hurts doesn't mean it's false)).  So I thought to myself what had I done in my early childhood that could have angered God so much that He, in His Justice and perfect judgment, threw this at me?

I can't really think of anything specifically and I don't really want to ask my mother or father because I don't want to remind of something as painful as realizing you have a gay son (perhaps if I were a girl it wouldn't be as bad) and I feel awful that they happen to be that lucky couple that got hit with this, with me. 

My mother is a very pious believing woman.  Her whole life revolves around God and the study of the Holy Scriptures and she's very kind and charitable and the most holy woman I know personally.  She uplifts me with the Scriptures and always prays for and with me and has blessed with me a desire for holiness and seeking Truth and living for God.  She prays almost unceasingly and is a support to others in their struggles.  She tarries with them, even with her work as a pro-life activist.  She counsels women who've had abortions helping them find healing and forgiveness while defending the right of innocent lives to be born.  My mom takes her faith seriously and strives to be Christian all the time and not just at church.  She has very traditional morals and views that are certainly not common in the Black community even among Christians but she prefers God to culture.  My father is a hard working honest man who is very tired and dealt with much in his life.

What did they do that was so bad and awful that they had to have the gay kid...  They don't deserve that, they aren't bad people at all but I just don't understand why I had to happen to them.  I feel like maybe if I had shown some interest when I was 4 or 5 in what my father was trying to get me to have as hobbies then maybe I wouldn't have grown to be such a sad excuse of a male.  I'm even starting to be disgusted by what I have become.  I shouldn't have been so close to my mother nor should I have admired and loved her so much because she became my role model and I wanted to be like her and it's not healthy for male children to think so highly of their mothers because then you turn oout like me.

My parents support me in ways I can't even describe and I certainly do not deserve to be raised in a Christian household with Christian parents who actually cared regardless of any mistakes that may have happened, but I just don't get why.  Thank goodness I have three other siblings who are heterosexual so they will have grandchildren (actually they already have one! I have a niece).  I am too ashamed and embarrased (and proud) to tell them I"m sorry for becoming this way, I think some things are just better left unsaid. 

I look at my parents' wedding photos and how young and happy they look and how gorgeous they are, almost magical, and then to think that shortly after, I happened.  I hate looking at my baby pictures and I hope they burn those stupid things and also pics of me as a young child because 20 years later.  I get so mad that I just cry looking at them but I don't destroy them because they're really special to my mom.

I know that as a Catholic, I should hate being gay primarily because God hates it and because it's highly offensive to Him, but for some reason it hurts even more thinking that my parents had to live their lives knowing this about me.  It sucks. 

Whatever the reason this has been laid on me, I just hope God the Holy Ghost reveals it to me so that I may repent of whatever it was if that's the case and just be free and get on with the Catholic life that I want so badly to lead.  Kyrie eleison.  And one thing I know for sure, I don't EVER want my mother to ever compromise her beliefs and her relationship with God because of me or loving me or feeling sorry for me.  I want her to have the best possible chances of salvation because she deserves it with the beautiful, Mary-like soul she has and because of her genuineness and because she is the best mother (besides the Blessed Mother) anyone could ask for and I love her.

Dear mom and pop, wish I could have been different and better and regular and I know you both still love me a lot, but just know that I wouldn't have given you me as a son because you both deserve much better.



  1. Oh Christopher! This post breaks my heart!

    In this life we are often given crosses that we must bear... and if I have a child that ever suffers from SSA and instead of embracing what the world says, embraces the Church teaching and lives celibately... well there's nothing in this world that would make me prouder of that child, because they would be overcoming such a great challenge on their path to God.

    I'm always amazed by people who bear this cross and yet set out to live God's plan for their lives. When you go to confession and confess everything you remember, God forgives all of your sins. It's not always for us to understand the trials that will create saints, or the temptations and hardships that we will be asked to overcome. Just know that these trials, and the way you're handling them, will not follow you into the next life if you persevere!

    Prayers that you may bear this heavy cross and see that God and your parents love you so very much! Rely on his grace and know that while he may not lift this burden (and it must have a purpose we don't understand!) he most certainly will give you the strength to bear it.

    Hang in there!

    1. Thank you so much for those kind words of encouragement Cam =) Yes, this was a bit of a downer, but I'm trying (sometimes harder than other times) to just be faithful to God and I do realize my parents love me. I may be trying to understand too much instead of just looking at my situation and just humbly following God's Law. Reminds me of the Offertory of the Mass of Quinquagesima Sunday

      "Blessed art Thou, O Lord, teach me Thy justifications."

  2. I think Steve Gershom might be a good resource for you. He's gay, and Catholic, and struggles with these same issues.


    1. I actually really enjoyed his blog when I've read it a couple times in the past, it was very helpful to see someone else with SSA who is trying to live according to the Scriptures and the teachings of the Church. Thanks for reminding me and I'll be reading him again.

  3. Chris, I would encourage you not to view this as punishment. Quite frankly, to me, the idea that God sent homosexuality your way as a punishment for a sin you committed as a young child is very strange. I do not accept that and I really don't believe that Orthodox theology would accept that at all. Who sinned -- the blind man or his parents? Neither - it was that God's glory might be manifested. View this not as punishment but as a Cross that is meant to bring healing to you and your family, and thus to bring glory to God. Everyone inherits a fallen nature and is need of healing from the disease of sin that infects us. Your parents are very loving, but perhaps having a son that struggles with SSA is exactly what they needed to be so loving, and to grow even more loving. There is always room for growth. Perhaps God knew this is what you needed in your life to turn to Him. Perhaps if you had a more conventional life you wouldn't feel the need to turn to God. All things work out together for good for those who believe - so trust that God is not punishing you with this but is seeking your healing. God is always seeking for our healing that is borne out of repentance. Thank God for your Crosses and bear them with joy!

    1. I feel like you always say the right words, Jesse. I've been thinking about when St. Paul says to give thanks in all things and I can't say I've really taken the time to thank God for my crosses, but perhaps I should try. The reason I have been viewing it as a punishment lately, though, has to do with Romans 1 and it's kinda hard to not view it as such. As for my parents, I really hope it's not punishment on them (especially with all they have to deal with), but I just don't want to cross that line of making excuses for myself (which I feel like I do far too often). If this is my thorn in the flesh that I have prayed [more than three times that it be taken from me] then I guess I just need to trust Him Who willest all things. Thank you so much brother in Christ!

  4. Christopher, tu es enfant de Dieu et Dieu ne peut pas vouloir le malheur de ses enfants. I'll be reading you as soon as possible. I love the way you write and your blog is beautiful (pictures etc).

    Merci de me faire confiance.

    1. Merci beaucoup Denise d'etre passee sur mon blogue et des beaux mots que tu as dits, je t'embrasse tres fort et je sais que Dieu veut le meilleur pour moi, mais c'est presqu'impossible de ne pas Lui demander "pourquoi moi?" mais je pense qu'on se sent pareil tous, mais c'est juste une question de foi et de courage... Au plaisir de t'avoir comme lectrice.

      Thanks about the pictures and everything! I took some time to choose a layout and design I thought reflected how I felt a little and I love the pictures as well.