I was browsing through Fisheaters trad Catholic forum yesterday for awhile and came across a thread on homosexuality.
I can't particularly recall what the question was but I remember a post by one of the members of the forum whom I admire particularly because he is super traditional and eloquent and usually makes good points and arguments. He quoted the first chapter of the Epistle of St. Paul the Apostle to the Romans and said that homosexuality is punishment for a sin committed earlier in life most likely during childhood.
This had upset a few other posters, but when I thought about the Scripture he had quoted (which I admit, I had problems understanding the full extent of those verses myself for a long time (it hurts to hear that God has "delivered you up" but just because it hurts doesn't mean it's false)). So I thought to myself what had I done in my early childhood that could have angered God so much that He, in His Justice and perfect judgment, threw this at me?
I can't really think of anything specifically and I don't really want to ask my mother or father because I don't want to remind of something as painful as realizing you have a gay son (perhaps if I were a girl it wouldn't be as bad) and I feel awful that they happen to be that lucky couple that got hit with this, with me.
My mother is a very pious believing woman. Her whole life revolves around God and the study of the Holy Scriptures and she's very kind and charitable and the most holy woman I know personally. She uplifts me with the Scriptures and always prays for and with me and has blessed with me a desire for holiness and seeking Truth and living for God. She prays almost unceasingly and is a support to others in their struggles. She tarries with them, even with her work as a pro-life activist. She counsels women who've had abortions helping them find healing and forgiveness while defending the right of innocent lives to be born. My mom takes her faith seriously and strives to be Christian all the time and not just at church. She has very traditional morals and views that are certainly not common in the Black community even among Christians but she prefers God to culture. My father is a hard working honest man who is very tired and dealt with much in his life.
What did they do that was so bad and awful that they had to have the gay kid... They don't deserve that, they aren't bad people at all but I just don't understand why I had to happen to them. I feel like maybe if I had shown some interest when I was 4 or 5 in what my father was trying to get me to have as hobbies then maybe I wouldn't have grown to be such a sad excuse of a male. I'm even starting to be disgusted by what I have become. I shouldn't have been so close to my mother nor should I have admired and loved her so much because she became my role model and I wanted to be like her and it's not healthy for male children to think so highly of their mothers because then you turn oout like me.
My parents support me in ways I can't even describe and I certainly do not deserve to be raised in a Christian household with Christian parents who actually cared regardless of any mistakes that may have happened, but I just don't get why. Thank goodness I have three other siblings who are heterosexual so they will have grandchildren (actually they already have one! I have a niece). I am too ashamed and embarrased (and proud) to tell them I"m sorry for becoming this way, I think some things are just better left unsaid.
I look at my parents' wedding photos and how young and happy they look and how gorgeous they are, almost magical, and then to think that shortly after, I happened. I hate looking at my baby pictures and I hope they burn those stupid things and also pics of me as a young child because 20 years later. I get so mad that I just cry looking at them but I don't destroy them because they're really special to my mom.
I know that as a Catholic, I should hate being gay primarily because God hates it and because it's highly offensive to Him, but for some reason it hurts even more thinking that my parents had to live their lives knowing this about me. It sucks.
Whatever the reason this has been laid on me, I just hope God the Holy Ghost reveals it to me so that I may repent of whatever it was if that's the case and just be free and get on with the Catholic life that I want so badly to lead. Kyrie eleison. And one thing I know for sure, I don't EVER want my mother to ever compromise her beliefs and her relationship with God because of me or loving me or feeling sorry for me. I want her to have the best possible chances of salvation because she deserves it with the beautiful, Mary-like soul she has and because of her genuineness and because she is the best mother (besides the Blessed Mother) anyone could ask for and I love her.
Dear mom and pop, wish I could have been different and better and regular and I know you both still love me a lot, but just know that I wouldn't have given you me as a son because you both deserve much better.