I need to take this summer to regroup and get myself together before restarting in the fall. I got my financial aid filled out by the priority deadline and hope that I get a pretty good reward. I just didn't do well this semester and need to get back to my old academic self. Since I made so many changes in my life and way of thinking and carrying myself, I think it has left me second-guessing a lot of things. Adjusting for me is so difficult because I'm such a perfectionist and the Lord did not bless me with the skill of multitasking at all...that is for sure.
For so long I have been concentrating on trying to get others to accept me (and they did, I just didn't appreciate it or realize it), but now I need to learn to accept myself and do things that will help me to achieve that goal without relying on anyone else to make myself love me. That has been that cliche thing that never really understood how to do; I thought I was accepting myself by just being me, but since I do not really know who I am, hmm...makes that kind of difficult. To be real, I truly want to find myself and know who I am. Sometimes I feel like I base myself off of whom I'm around at the time or whatever "reference group" is most appealing at any given moment. Consistency, my dear friends, that is what I want to achieve.
No, I still haven't gone to Mass yet nor have I really spent any time in prayer except for my usual blessings before meals, prayers for the dead when passing cemeteries, and ejaculations to the Lord when passing churches where He is physically present (I say Dominus meus, et Deus meus (my Lord and my God) when passing churches while crossing myself), and of course invoking the Holy Trinity when getting into a vehicle and at other random times.
The reason that I'm afraid to pray or "practice" the Faith anymore (although in my head I want to) is because I'm afraid things are going to start going to dirt again. I'm afraid I'm going to be lonely and repulsive to others as I'm really enjoying my social life these days. I'm afraid I'm going to neglect my studies again at the expense of religion like I have been any time I get really deep into practicing. I just told my friend the other day while texting her that I get so motivated on some Holy Ghost that I be going full force, but then He leaves me and I'm so exhausted and stuck in the dirt with no ambulance or Water or any help to revive myself. That's kinda where I feel like I am spiritually. I'm afraid I'm going to lose all of the guy friends I've been making (you know guys hate religion...how many guys have left comments on this blog? Two...).
People say they enjoy me so much more this way, I'm enjoying myself so much more and I'm having so much fun and before it was like fun was few and far between. The thought of being alone doesn't really scare me anymore and I don't necessarily feel like I need a man to make me feel complete and I feel like I haven't been chasing guys nearly as much. Sure, I still check them out and notice their fineness, but I don't get depressed wondering whether or not they'll speak to me ever.
I know, this sounds so messed up. All the Catholics are reading this and seeing the idolatry clear as day. Of course worldly things seem appealing and luring and worth it because they can and do feel good, but what will I say to God when I die? When in all of this am I taking up a cross? I don't even want to carry one right now because I feel like I've carried one for so long. Deep down I know that seeking happiness in this life can and most likely will lead to ruin, but I need a break...seriously. Anyone that knows me intimately will testify to my extreme devotion to the practice of the Faith to the point that it was kind of obsessive.
If there is a way to harmonize these two things (which according to the Holy Scriptures, there isn't), someone please let me know. I am probably disappointing so many Catholics right now as I'm rejoicing so many heathens. I can't win.
However, I am happy, and I am having a great day! I am lamenting my grades, sure, but my stress is low and my motivation to be better the next time is very high.
Alright I think that's enough for right now.