Dear [friend],
Time for update number 2... Well last week sucked as far as classes are concerned because I only went to two sessions all week. Haven't done any homework at this point nor have I really talked to any of my professors, but I plan on doing that this week, Deus vult. Btw, one of my professors is the deacon of the Byzantine Catholic church near here. He and I conversed shortly, but you know me with my fear of being judged by others I kinda peace out. He's nice though, took me to my first Liturgy of the Presanctified Gifts and discussed Eastern Catholicism with me awhile back.
Holy Mass was great today and all of the readings/prayers spoke to my heart (particularly the Introit, Epistle, Gradual/Tract, and Holy Gospel). Much food for thought in them and quite a hopeful tone in parts of those prayers/antiphons to counter the otherwise distressful feeling that they should evoke. I prayed that I persevere throughout Quadragesima and that I grow spiritually and that God turn my good resolutions and intentions into actions.
Father and I have been talking through e-mail regarding spiritual direction (refer to my blog http://hellorholiness.blogspot.com/ to see why I'm a little frustrated with it). All this running around is wearing me out and I just need rest mentally.
I'm very disappointed in myself for not running the race to obtain that incorruptible crown. I hate admitting that my motivations to be pious and faithful are so that I can have the esteem of others, of course I want to please God as well, but I am struggling to make Him my motivation and think of what He did for me and the helps He gives us. I really wish I could be obedient and that this interior battle between pleasure and piety would cease. I'm praying for the peace of Jesus Christ and the comfort of the Holy Ghost so that I can be pleasing to the Father. For years, every time I go to Holy Mass and there are a lot of people, I just feel like I do not belong there but am always glad that I went anyways. I'm tired of being scared of my own kind, Catholics.
Anyways, I'm praying to humbly, obediently, and trustingly follow Christ into the desert and learn from Him and let Him lead me where He wants to lead me. He is really going to have to give me perseverence because I lack in that and I'm here and there with religion, but I can say and do know for the sure that I do want the Catholic Church and I want to be Catholic, and I also wish I'd stop being such a big baby so what if people don't like me it means nothing. It's absurd and ridiculous that I care about what other people think of me Catholic or not and they aren't my judges. I need to shake the feeling somehow that how other Catholics view is me perfectly indicative of how God views me and that if they had a better opinion of me then God has a good opinion of me. In my mind I know that that is such a demonic lie to try to discourage me, but I need to break free of it.
I do thank and praise God for speaking to me so much during the Liturgy today and for keeping me concentrated on prayer and being real with Him and not so much trying to "put on a show for others so they think that I'm cool enough to be a true traditionalist Latin Masser." If I can just keep my eyes focused on Him somehow...
As somber as this e-mail sounds, though, I am doing okay and I'm not falling apart or anything. I'm surprisingly keeping it together fairly well, although I may not be in the best of moods all the time, but I can't really complain much and I cannot say that I'm feeling hopeless either! Maybe there is Light at the end of the tunnel after all =)
In nomine Christis,
Christopher
Just something I thought I'd share. God bless.
This is very interesting! I have a couple of questions. Can you elaborate more on the occasions of sin? Also, if the devil uses your family, friends, etc. should they be held accountable at judgement or will the devil, because we are just mere humans who seem to be used as puppets?
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting a comment!! The occasions are sin are the people, places, or things that cause us to fall into sin. Near occasions are the people, places, or things which almost always cause us to fall. Remote occasions are the people, places, or things which make us fall sometimes. Volunatry occasions are people, places, or things we choose of our own free will to be around/use. Involuntary occasions are people, places, or things that cause us to sin, but we more or less have to be around them. The Church says we must avoid near and voluntary occasions of sin.
ReplyDeleteThe people whom Satan uses can and will be accountable at the Judgment because they do have free will and it was their choice to acknowledge the inspirations of the enemy. We are guilty for pretty much all of our actual sins even if others are involved.
This is why we need the Sacraments because without those helps from God, and their worthy reception (keyword being worthy...) we will not advance spiritually as we are called to do and we're not showing our devotion and love for the Sacrifice of Christ on the Cross.