Sorry it's been so long since I last posted here. I wanted to and meant to, but was waiting until I had some awesome post that was insightful and uplifting and all that good stuff. Any time I had something really insightful to talk about I was just too busy or too tired of whatever. But I just feel like typing now even though I don't have anything amazing to say.
Anyways, right now I am feeling very cold and in the dark about a lot of things. I recently dropped out of college (last week actually) and moved down to Atlanta to try and work on some of the things that were preventing me from doing well in school. All these things I've done after prayer and wrestling with God (like the Holy Patriarch Jacob) and I feel deep down like I'm doing the right thing and that this is something that God wants, that my parents want, and that even I want even though I didn't want to admit it out of pride. But I did it and feel like I made the right the decision although I hate that things got so bad in the first place. So now I'm looking for a job which seems impossible.
I really hate being a Christian right now... Yes, I know it sounds so awful and I hate admitting that but that is how I feel as of late. I'm so upset that I cannot reach Jesus when I call on Him and that He doesn't seem to be seeking me out either. Any time I pray for anything anymore, it's like the opposite happens. So I'm frankly afraid to pray. Rather, I don't know what to pray for except for continuing to pray for others; He seems to really be working wonders (even in a hidden way) in others' lives. He's doing things for me too here and there, but the things that bother me the most He has turned His back on it feels like. I even hate being in church now. I used to find so much comfort being in church. I felt safe. I felt at home. I didn't want to leave. It was a mysteriously comforting encounter with the Blessed Trinity. Now, I feel like I'm literally trembling (in spirit) when I go into the Temple. I only used to feel like that approaching the Altar to receive our Risen Lord in Holy Communion, but just being in the church or contemplating a statue or an icon or the Scriptures is stressful.
Part of me feels like this is Satan trying to intercept something good from happening, but my anxious nature is wondering hard core if this is God sending me to Hell before death and if He's finally said "To Hell with you already, you thorn in my side." I just want to run away from all of this and not have to worry about it and just wash my hands of it like most people in the world have done with God. But I can't do that. The reality of Jesus and eternity and the state of the world are too apparent and I can't just toss it.
But no one can protect you from God's wrath. No one can make Him change His mind. Not even the Blessed Virgin who also seems to be somewhat scornful at me.. I know I'm not the best person, but I am not the worst creature this planet has seen. Others have done way worse than I have but they don't have this turmoil. Also I'm not excusing myself for anything.
Well that's basically all I have to share now.