Just Hoping to Do It Right

Father delivered his sermon at Holy Mass today on homosexuality and it was really good.  Praise God for his priestly wisdom and for the Holy Ghost giving him the words to say!  It wasn't the easiest sermon for me to listen to, but it was still really good.

I'm going to be starting a book study with my friend and it's called "Beginning to Pray" and I'm looking forward to it.  Prayer is difficult, even though it's something I've been doing my whole life, I still feel like I hardly know how to do it even though there have been times when I would pray for very lengthy periods of time.  I'm not quite sure how orthodox or pious this is, but I'm trying a new thing where when I pray to God (unless I'm reading a prayer), I just talk to Him normally like He's sitting right in front of my face and like He's a guidance counselor or something.  I try to talk to Him as normally as I would talk to them and tell Him EVERYTHING that is on my mind and exactly how I'm feeling, but that's still kinda hard because I'm so used to addressing the Most Holy Trinity very formally and like I'm trying to impress Him with my words.

Father recently told me in Confession that I need to be praying constantly.  This is from the Holy Scriptures after all, so maybe anytime I am having idle thoughts, I should just direct them towards God and tell Him those thoughts.  My goal is to be in constant communication with the Lord and involve Him in everything.  Now, if I'm doing something sinful or thinking about doing something sinful, I don't know how much I will be just talking to Him because that would feel really awkward...  Hopefully if I talk to Him often enough and truthfully enough, I can avoid those occasions of sin and this won't be an issue.  Priests have often told me to pray when undergoing temptation, but if I'm already experiencing the temptation and a strong pull towards it, what good would a prayer really do then?  I have prayed during temptation before and it did not really diminish the temptation at all and in the process I felt embarrassed to even think about God.  It was agonizing because I remember how guilty I felt, but also how angry I felt because I've prayed for Him to protect me from those moments.  In fact, in every Mass offered in the Extraordinary Form, there is a prayer that asks God to deliver us from all sin, past, present, and to come by the Passion, Resurrection, and Ascension of Jesus Christ, and through the intercession of our Blessed Mother, the Holy Apostles Peter, Paul, and Andrew and all the Saints.  Also, I've said my St. Michael the Archangel prayers (after all Masses and recitations of the Holy Rosary), so I'm confused as to why I even get tempted.  Do we not pray in the Lord's Prayer (aka, the most perfect prayer) for God to lead us not into temptation??  All these prayers against sin and temptation (even the Ordinary Form prays against these things), and they still happen.

I'll even add that when I pray these specific prayers, that I kick into high gear and really beg God to answer these specific prayers.

Then there is the issue that I do not receive Holy Communion very often, so one could argue that that is why I don't experience this divine protection because I don't taste of the Holy Mysteries often enough and with enough faith...  I don't think people understand how much I have to go to Confession to receive Holy Communion and although I love the Sacrament of Penance (it's healing, it gives Sanctifying Grace, it frees me from the bonds of death), but it is tiring and repetitive and the guilt is stronger with each Confession (but also the liberation more meaningful...) and it just makes Holy Communion not seem worth it...  Also, I'm so used to not receiving Holy Communion that it feels awkward to receive and I always worry if I'm doing it right and if I've prayed enough or fasted with a good enough intensity and read enough Scriptures.  It's like an Olympic sport trying to receive the Most Holy Sacrament of the Altar, yet the Church encourages her children to receive daily?!  I know that our Eastern Orthodox brothers and sisters do not share this belief (except for those in monasteries or under the advice of a spiritual father).  But it makes me wonder that since the Sacrament of Penance also confers Sanctifying Grace to save the soul from Hell if that should be my Sacrament and not Holy Communion.  What do you guys think about that?

I spent much time reading the Courage website this evening and meditation on chapter 7 of St. Paul the Apostle's Epistle to the Romans, verses 19-23 (from the Propers of the Seventh Sunday After Pentecost) and thinking about how the wages of sin is death and that I don't want to die (spiritually) and how that frightens me, especially since I reflected (with the aid of a few Saints' writings) on the pains and torments of Hell and how easy it is to find oneself in that horrible abyss of torment, hatred, foul odors, demons, and the loss of God.  And the intensity of the fires...

Lastly, I realize that one of my biggest hurdles in overcoming sin is the anger and bitterness that I have that I will never have a family or a husband or anyone who really loves me and that I'm going to have to live my life alone.  I am afraid I won't be strong enough to emotionally support myself through times when people usually count on their spouse to lean on.  I do plan on being able to support myself financially, but it would be such a beautiful thing to share a family vacation or go to my son or daughter's symphony concert or hockey game or participate in a charity with my husband and have someone to pray every single day with and grow closer to God and help me receive the Sacraments and save my soul.  It's not even just about sex or anything, but more of having a companion and I am trying very hard to just be at peace with the fact that God does not want that for me and that He will bless me something better if I'm obedient to Him, but I cannot see what could possibly be better than that :/

Night y'all

Homosexuals' Catholic Responsibility

Good evening everyone.  I would like to talk about something that has been on my mind on and off for a long time.

Often when I see forum and blog posts about homosexuality, most of the discussion is about why it is wrong and sinful.  No one ever gives any new answers, so therefore I don't read those discussions too attentively, nor do I really participate in them anymore; what more could possibly be said?  Homosexual relationships are not procreative, sex between two members of the same sex is an abomination to the Lord, it's one of the Sins which Cry Out to Heaven for Vengeance.

What hardly anyone mentions is what homosexuals really should do.  You often hear participants say things such as the following:

• Homosexuals should regularly receive the Sacraments of Penance and Holy Communion.
• Homosexuals should live chaste lives.
• Homosexuals should have very intense prayer lives.
• Homosexuals have a heavy cross to bear

Do not these things apply to all Catholics?  What are homosexuals specifically called to do?

Here are some of my conclusions:

Because homosexuals can neither receive nor administer the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony, we can devote more time to charity work and be strong members of parish life.  We do not have a family for which to provide, nor a spouse whose soul to save, nor children to instruct in the Faith.  How we can form "families" is to develop strong friendships with others that can be opportunities to witness to the Truth of the Catholic religion and try to set examples for them.  

Because homosexuals cannot receive the Sacrament of Holy Orders (this is fact, regardless of how this rule is ignored by most...), we do not have to carry the burden of guarding the souls of entire flocks of believers from evil, a very heavy charge.  We can rather try to be of more assistance to our pastors because we have neither families nor immediate care of souls to attend to.

Also, some qualities that I have noticed about myself and other homosexuals that could be of use to the Church as far as evangelization are the fact that we are generally pretty sensitive to others' feelings and tend to be more empathetic and know what it feels like to be mistreated, marginalized, discriminated against, and ridiculed (even though a lot of gay activists seem to have forgotten this and have become the ones who do those things to others).  We're very sensitive and caring, and that is what many need to see from the Church and from devout Catholics, people who care and people who try to understand them and not be condescending.  I'd say homosexuals have a soft spot for outcasts and those who desire to be included (because most of us experience it whether overtly or covertly) and that meekness, that sensitivity can be helpful in reaching out to others, speaking out against sin, and trying to show Christ's Love so that more of His sheep can be gathered into the Fold.

There are many opportunities for redemptive suffering for homosexuals to take advantage of that can be profitable to our souls as well as others' and yes, it seems like we have to do the "hard" stuff that no one else wants to do, but I mean, it's better than nothing.  

All of these things (which basically kinda describe a state in life) must be aided by the Sacraments just as priests need to be aided by them and spouses need to be aided by them.  Everyone needs the Grace of the Sacraments to sanctify their states in life to please God, avoid sin, and avoid Hell, but the Grace helps nourish Wisdom and Understand (Gifts of the Holy Ghost) to let Catholics know the best way to live their calling in life.

Again, I could be wrong about all of this, but it could be another way of helping homosexuals feel like we can be of some importance to the Church.  Spouses can raise Catholic kids, priests can help Catholic souls, and religious (monks and nuns) can pray for the world's salvation.  Also, devoting that much energy to helping and serving others would keep us busy and not leave us much time to commit sins of impurity when you figure in the prayer and meditation that we should be doing.

This is the kind of life I wish I lead anyways.

Let me know your thoughts.

Inconveniences of Being a Believer: You Can't Win With Anyone!

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel. For it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth,"  --Epistle of St. Paul the Apostle to the Romans I, 16

Yeah...Lord, we need to talk about this.  Don't get me wrong, it is a beautiful verse, powerful, uplifting, just great!  But honestly...

Let me tell You something:  People hate people that are not ashamed of Your Holy and Life-Saving Gospel and think we're a bunch of crazy people (and You have to admit, a lot of us are and probably scandalize the Church to death because we can so judgmental, hypocrital, and anti-everything to the point that we aren't what people want to be around) and that's not the impression I want people to have of me!

I'ma be real with You, it is not fun living in a world with a conscience that makes you feel guilty about everything that seems fun and helpful and stress-relieving.  Besides, how are we supposed to bring people to You if they can't stand being around us in the first place? 

Most westerners live in societies where anything that has to do with Christianity is frowned upon and cast off as bad, hateful, prehistoric, medieval (although this isn't bad in all cases), etc.  They ain't trying to hear what we have to say about the Church and her Truths and doctrines.  All the waves of the hands in the face, and the deer-in-a-headlight looks (love that expression), and us feeling like we have spiders crawling out of our ears is frustrating with a capital F.



What society thinks Christianity is

 Also, you can't have a conversation about religion with non-believers usually without them giving their opinions about why the Church is wrong.  People are shockingly offended by the thought of Hell (and I love how no one thinks that they should go there personally, but have a whole laundry list full of those whom they think deserve it...).  Maybe it's me, and I'm used to it because I grew up believing that Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory were just as clear and real possibilities as the air I breathe.

See, everyone is focused on the future that they forget the here and now.  It's appalling to people that one can damn themselves to Hell eternally because of one thing, but then when you bring up repentance and forgiveness and just try again, then they're all like "Oh that's hypocritical!"  Shouldn't it logically follow in their minds that if one can damn himself to Hell for one bad thing, that someone can save their soul by one good thing?  (Calvinists, please me your mouths shut here please and thanks).

Society seems hell-bent (no pun intended) on finding the virtue in the ungodly, but also finding the vice in those who are trying to work out their salvation.

People question religion so they can find excuses not to believe and are not always interested in learning, hence they'll create strawmen such as the following:

--If God's real, why did He let the Holocaust happen?
--If God's real, why does He let innocent people die in car accidents and from other painful, agonizing diseases?
--If God's real, why is there poverty?
--How come Christians are so hateful?
--So, I'm gay or I have sex outside of marriage, am I going to Hell?
--I'm not Catholic, am I going to Hell?
--The Holy Scriptures are man-made and people kill each other over that book, your religion is fake, why do you follow that?

You give them an answer, and it's insufficient.  You show them a flaw in their reasoning, and they strangely don't hear what you said...

Then there are the questions of people who are less antagonistic and ask real questions such as:

--If you have to believe to go to Heaven, what about people who've never heard the Holy Gospel?
--What happens to children who die without the opportunity to receive the Sacrament of Baptism?
--What if you witness someone trying to kill your family, if you kill that person, is it still murder and sinful?
--I was never taught a religion, how do I know that the Catholic Church is right out of all the religions in the world?
--Where do those go who lived their whole lives as good people and never did anything bad, but just didn't believe?  Are they in Heaven or Hell?

These questions are harder to answer surprisingly and take lots of explanation, but people can generally agree to disagree after questions and answers like this, whereas the antagonistic ones are simple to answer usually, and just feed the hatred and animosity between the believers and the non-believers.  Interessant...

But then again, on the Catholic side, some of Your servants do need to chill for real.  A lot of us can have holier-than-thee attitudes and it's disgusting and they need to meditate on spiritual arrogance (a subset of spiritual pride).  Many of us need to stop belittling others that do not agree with us.  And I hate, absolutely HATE, that some Catholics (usually in the rad trad crowd) will shun you, insult  you, and slander/keep their distance from you if in their mind you're Hell-bound.  Ummm...shouldn't they be spending more time with thsoe people to try and help them?

Basically, Lord, what I'm saying is...help a brotha out!  It's hard enough trying to practice virtue; we don't need to be outcast on the same token that just makes it more difficult.

And yes, I am mindful of these verses:

"Remember my word that I said to you: The servant is not greater than his master. If they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you: if they have kept my word, they will keep yours also."  --Holy Gospel according to St. John XV, 20

"Blessed are ye when they shall revile you, and persecute you, and speak all that is evil against you, untruly, for my sake:"  --Holy Gospel according to St. Matthew V, 11