The Lord is good and kind and merciful even to those of us who really do not deserve it. Why does He keep taking me back after I betray Him again and again? One thing that I wish I had was the strength to be what God wants me to be and I'm still looking for that strength. I know I can find it in the Sacraments so maybe it's time to step up my game with the help of God's Grace of course.
I've been going over things in my head lately and things that are keeping me from holiness are thoughts that I may never really enjoy life if I don't have certain things. That's so immature, though and I just want so badly to look past that because nothing in this life lasts forever.
I'm not going to lie, I feel very cheated by life when it comes to a lot of things and I find it hard to come up with a reason why God would let me desire something sooo badly if it was 1) wrong and 2) something I'll never likely have anyways. It's like my whole life tortures me and I've prayed to find relief from those feelings, but it's like the more I pray for them to go away, the more they haunt me. Why is that do you think?
It just seems like basic things that most people around me have or experience, I either hardly have it if at all or don't get to experience them and it makes me have thoughts of env and that makes me think badly of others and then I feel like I'm in a pit alone and perpetually upset.
Couldn't God just make me happy with Himself? I've seen so many people who don't care that they are missing out on this or that but are so at peace and motivated in the Faith or just otherwise content, and I've begged God for that but those "nice" feelings only last a short time. All it takes is stepping out in public and boom I'm back to where I started and it seems that way no matter how hard I pray or try to think positively.
So that makes me wonder about some things: Does God want me to be happy at all? What would the point of "useless" suffering be? Is there anything I can do that I haven't tried already? I just want answers...
I'm not going to make an elaborate list of all these things that I want but I'll talk about one in particular for this post: feeling like I'm part of a church family.
I'm sick of going to Holy Mass or Adoration or any function and being by myself while others are with their families or friends (my friends visit Mass with me but wouldn't attend regularly and they only go for me; not because they want to). I feel like I'm invisible everywhere!! Which is funny because I try to make myself standout a lot while I'm so conscious of other peoples' presence and definitely notice them.
There are a few people at some churches that I attend who do converse with me shortly or see how I'm doing but I've never had the opportunity to get close with them or become friends. I thought Catholics were supposed to fellowship.
I even tried getting involved but that doesn't seem to fruitful either. How does God expect me to have consistent Faith and holiness if I can't even make friends with holy people? I've begged Him for close Catholic friends that would be my primary group of friends and with whom I could offer Mass, pray the Rosary, study the doctrine, and talk about spiritual things and so far they've been with people that I've met in Facebook groups and forums but not people with whom I could hang out.
I don't want to be tempted by sin everywhere but I also don't want to stay cooped up in my room staring at the wall because the alternative is hanging out with Godless people.
Then a lot of people have their Catholic religion-obsessed friends and take them for granted. What?! I love my friends so I'm not going to throw them away because they aren't believers especially when they've been so much more charitable and caring to me than most Catholics (Catholics seem to either just be acquaintances (girls) or they don't like me (guys)) so can you blame me for having such a struggle? It's so bizarre and contradictory.
So am I supposed to hate everything about life because I seem to not be able to enjoy the perks of being Catholic or a heathen, but only get the inconveniences of both. What is that...
When will this end???