Father delivered his sermon at Holy Mass today on homosexuality and it was really good. Praise God for his priestly wisdom and for the Holy Ghost giving him the words to say! It wasn't the easiest sermon for me to listen to, but it was still really good.
I'm going to be starting a book study with my friend and it's called "Beginning to Pray" and I'm looking forward to it. Prayer is difficult, even though it's something I've been doing my whole life, I still feel like I hardly know how to do it even though there have been times when I would pray for very lengthy periods of time. I'm not quite sure how orthodox or pious this is, but I'm trying a new thing where when I pray to God (unless I'm reading a prayer), I just talk to Him normally like He's sitting right in front of my face and like He's a guidance counselor or something. I try to talk to Him as normally as I would talk to them and tell Him EVERYTHING that is on my mind and exactly how I'm feeling, but that's still kinda hard because I'm so used to addressing the Most Holy Trinity very formally and like I'm trying to impress Him with my words.
Father recently told me in Confession that I need to be praying constantly. This is from the Holy Scriptures after all, so maybe anytime I am having idle thoughts, I should just direct them towards God and tell Him those thoughts. My goal is to be in constant communication with the Lord and involve Him in everything. Now, if I'm doing something sinful or thinking about doing something sinful, I don't know how much I will be just talking to Him because that would feel really awkward... Hopefully if I talk to Him often enough and truthfully enough, I can avoid those occasions of sin and this won't be an issue. Priests have often told me to pray when undergoing temptation, but if I'm already experiencing the temptation and a strong pull towards it, what good would a prayer really do then? I have prayed during temptation before and it did not really diminish the temptation at all and in the process I felt embarrassed to even think about God. It was agonizing because I remember how guilty I felt, but also how angry I felt because I've prayed for Him to protect me from those moments. In fact, in every Mass offered in the Extraordinary Form, there is a prayer that asks God to deliver us from all sin, past, present, and to come by the Passion, Resurrection, and Ascension of Jesus Christ, and through the intercession of our Blessed Mother, the Holy Apostles Peter, Paul, and Andrew and all the Saints. Also, I've said my St. Michael the Archangel prayers (after all Masses and recitations of the Holy Rosary), so I'm confused as to why I even get tempted. Do we not pray in the Lord's Prayer (aka, the most perfect prayer) for God to lead us not into temptation?? All these prayers against sin and temptation (even the Ordinary Form prays against these things), and they still happen.
I'll even add that when I pray these specific prayers, that I kick into high gear and really beg God to answer these specific prayers.
Then there is the issue that I do not receive Holy Communion very often, so one could argue that that is why I don't experience this divine protection because I don't taste of the Holy Mysteries often enough and with enough faith... I don't think people understand how much I have to go to Confession to receive Holy Communion and although I love the Sacrament of Penance (it's healing, it gives Sanctifying Grace, it frees me from the bonds of death), but it is tiring and repetitive and the guilt is stronger with each Confession (but also the liberation more meaningful...) and it just makes Holy Communion not seem worth it... Also, I'm so used to not receiving Holy Communion that it feels awkward to receive and I always worry if I'm doing it right and if I've prayed enough or fasted with a good enough intensity and read enough Scriptures. It's like an Olympic sport trying to receive the Most Holy Sacrament of the Altar, yet the Church encourages her children to receive daily?! I know that our Eastern Orthodox brothers and sisters do not share this belief (except for those in monasteries or under the advice of a spiritual father). But it makes me wonder that since the Sacrament of Penance also confers Sanctifying Grace to save the soul from Hell if that should be my Sacrament and not Holy Communion. What do you guys think about that?
I spent much time reading the Courage website this evening and meditation on chapter 7 of St. Paul the Apostle's Epistle to the Romans, verses 19-23 (from the Propers of the Seventh Sunday After Pentecost) and thinking about how the wages of sin is death and that I don't want to die (spiritually) and how that frightens me, especially since I reflected (with the aid of a few Saints' writings) on the pains and torments of Hell and how easy it is to find oneself in that horrible abyss of torment, hatred, foul odors, demons, and the loss of God. And the intensity of the fires...
Lastly, I realize that one of my biggest hurdles in overcoming sin is the anger and bitterness that I have that I will never have a family or a husband or anyone who really loves me and that I'm going to have to live my life alone. I am afraid I won't be strong enough to emotionally support myself through times when people usually count on their spouse to lean on. I do plan on being able to support myself financially, but it would be such a beautiful thing to share a family vacation or go to my son or daughter's symphony concert or hockey game or participate in a charity with my husband and have someone to pray every single day with and grow closer to God and help me receive the Sacraments and save my soul. It's not even just about sex or anything, but more of having a companion and I am trying very hard to just be at peace with the fact that God does not want that for me and that He will bless me something better if I'm obedient to Him, but I cannot see what could possibly be better than that :/
Night y'all
Our Lord Jesus Christ, the King
Thou art the King of Glory, O Lord Jesus Christ; when Thou didst take upon Thee to deliver man, Thou didst not abhor the Virgin's Womb
Showing posts with label disappointment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disappointment. Show all posts
Monday, July 16, 2012
Sunday, July 1, 2012
De Profundis (Out of the Depths)
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| The Agony of the Garden |
Father said in his sermon today that the importance of this Feast is to remind us that it is by the shedding of Christ's Blood that we are saved and given Life. His Blood was shed because of my offenses and my weakness; being obstinate in sin, how could I ever hope for Heaven unless the Lord come down to sacrifice Himself for me? When I really think about this, it causes me anguish that I repay God for His bountiful blessings with constant relapses into sin. He gave me life, a family, friends, Catholicism, knowledge of the True Faith, and in return I spit in His Face, offend His goodness, crucify Him with my selfishness and the evils that plague my body and mind. I am not a Christian, much less do I even deserve to invoke His Holy Name in time of trouble... But praise God for His mercy and healing by instituting the Sacrament of Penance.
Moreover, Jesus Christ shed His Blood of His own will and it was His desire to do so and a simple reminder of the famous verse of the Evangelist St. John (III, 16) in his Gospel which reads:
For God so loved the world, as to give his only begotten Son; that whosoever believeth in him, may not perish, but may have life everlasting.
These words sum up perfectly why our Lord gave His Life, because He loves us and wants us to be with Him. He doesn't want any of His children to be cast into the eternal abyss of death and woe, Hell, that dark frightening place prepared for Satan and his angels and which is populated (and continues to be so) by those souls who, like me, have turned their backs on God. What is more to think that down there are souls who haven't offended God nearly as much as I have, and that is scary and that makes me feel guilty about my persistence in the hatred of God by sinning against Him.
I just want to turn away now and forever, even at this very moment, from all the wicked that I do and follow Christ. I want to love Him, I want to be like Him, I do not want to be like the heathens of this world and I also want to hate the world, but how? Yes, I've asked for these before and continue to ask for them, but not actively, not with the intention of having my prayer answered at that very moment (if we pray for something, we should be ready to accept that God give it to us right then and there to see if our intentions are pure). That's another sin, praying to God in vain. Who taught me that? Where did I learn that from? Certainly not from my parents...
I keep feeling like I won't be able to live chaste life as long as I remain attracted to males and as long as I feel those attractions, then I will never really be able to cooperate with Grace. Yes, I have received the Sacraments as "worthily" as I could at times, but like my friend told me, I didn't bring a large vessel to the Lord for Him to fill it with His Sanctifying Grace, but rather a small, fragile one which can easily be emptied and broken. But how do I bring Him a larger, durable vessel? Lord, in Thy mercy, please give me one!
What has become of my prayer life? Has life gotten me down that much that I no longer see the use in [lifting] mine eyes to the mountains from which help shall come to me (Psalm CXX, 1)? No wonder... In this state, and as immersed in sin as I am, I should be tiring myself out with prayer. The Saints did. I just read last night about St. Catherine of Genoa who would spend hours upon hours daily in prayer and atoning for the sins of a short time of her life. St. Francis of Assisi and St. Anthony of Padua sought God constantly in prayer. Ste-Therese de Lisieux prayed very passionately yet simplistically to the Blessed Trinity and leaned on God. What am I doing? This is embarrassing even.
What should I do? Have any of you felt this way? What would you tell someone in my shoes? While you ponder this, please pray for me and all those who drown themselves in their sins because only the Grace of God which comes to us through the Blood of Christ can save us. Pray for those who struggle with similar sins as yourselves, form solidarity with them. Pray for those who do not even know Christ or His Holy Gospel because without Faith, no one can be saved. Pray for the Holy Father, His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI as he works to reconcile fallen away brethren with the Church again, and definitely pray for the Suffering Souls in Purgatory as they cry out to God for mercy.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
SSPX (unofficial) Antipathy, Rad Trads Gone Mad
Read the first couple pages of this forum post in Fisheaters Traditional Catholic Forum:
http://catholicforum.fisheaters.com/index.php/topic,3448658.0.html
This is why I have such a hard time with many of those who attend the Traditional Latin Mass (Extraordinary Form) especially those who go to SSPX chapels. Had to make the distinction before someone jumps on me and says that I hate all traditionalists and adherents of the Society of St. Pius X(SSPX).
One of the posters there (my favorite poster actually) expressed something that she appreciated about the SSPX which she normally criticizes for their harsh, scathing words especially when they insult the Holy Father (Pope Benedict XVI) or accuse the Novus Ordo (NO..Ordinary Form of the Roman Rite or New Mass) and its Sacraments as being invalid, heretical, fake, etc. In response to the kind remark she made about the SSPX, another poster immediately shot her comment down by making a derogatory and blasphematory statement about Our Lord present in the Blessed Sacrament. She even explained that she was also making that statement of apprecition to kinda cool the air and be more charitable to the SSPX adherents.
The conversation spun out into the usual: a battle between the SSPX and the in-communion-with-Rome trads going back and forth with the typical name-calling (The NO religion is false and not Catholic, you're not with the Church because you insult the Pope, the NO is to blame for your husband's loss of fatih, etc). This woman is struggling with the fact that her husband, her spouse, is possibly losing the faith because of the cruel remarks of some SSPX adherents and other die-hard traditionalist Catholics because they're making him feel like he's just "worshipping bread and wine and not Christ's true Body and Blood."
The Sacraments are Sacraments, they always confer Sanctifying Grace (or increase it) in the soul when they're received worthily and through them we receive the mercy and Grace that our Lord gave by His Passion, Death, and Resurrection. They are not dependent upon the orthodoxy or lack thereof of the priest or bishop administering them, but on the matter (tangible things required), form (proper words used in their administration/reception), and intent (the Theological Virtues of Faith, Hope, and Charity, and intangible things/dispositions required).
What is wrong with our Church? There are all these factions and camps and not enough unity and agreement. And all the name-calling, are we really in 2nd grade?? (I feel like I just insulted second graders even...). Radical traditionalists, neo-con bullies, cafeteria Catholics, liberal Catholics, FSSP/ICKSP traditional Catholics, SSPX traditional Catholics, NOers, etc...
This labeling is getting tired and is making us look bad to non-Catholics, we can't even agree on our own religion, we're looking just as bad as Protestants (although they aren't really pointing fingers at each other...which is funny because they all teach different things, but it's okay for others to have heterodox faith and be saved, but Roman Catholics are damned by virtue of the fact that we identify as such...okay).
I mean, it's not even admonishing a sinner, but just being cruel, impatient, and irritable. Yes, it is tiring to have to deal with how most people have such a flawed and distorted view of Catholicism that it's like they aren't even practicing the same religion (I'm guilty of this myself; usually I shiver when someone tells me they're Catholic anymore because I am immediately thinking how well do they know our doctrines).
But it does bother me that SSPX adherents have this "If they want to be saved, they'll come to us" attitude and are not concerned at pushing others away. In a way, they're right, you don't adjust the Truth just to get a butt in a seat (bishops take heed), but you don't want to insult someone away and give them a bad taste in their mouths either. Be a good witness, and know that people have feelings too.
On the contrary, people in the Ordinary Form and non-traditional camp need to stop acting like anything goes. This also sickens me. Right and wrong do exist. Truth is important, lies need to be banished. Educate yourselves and stop doing everything based on what feels right and good and please, PLEASE, stop being passive spectators at Mass like you're watching a concert. I love how the "Spirit of Vatican II" crowd loooves to harp participatio actuosa *cough* I mean, "active participation" down everyone's throats, but those that assist at the Extraordinary Form seem to be more actively participating where it really counts (the heart) than those at the Ordinary Form, and also most people don't jet out of the church so quickly like they're gasping for fresh air after Mass.
Most of the stupid and ridiculous comments came from trad guys that wanted to argue the NO matter, but most of them didn't say but a couple words about the spiritual distress she and her husband were going through (which she felt was because of them).
Help those who are in error to try to find and see the Truth, do not just post all these templated phrases and impulsive responses to things (that gets old and you sound like a machine) because we are our brother's keepers (Book of Genesis IV, 9).
This is just really disgusting and I've noticed that I get a lot of criticism too for feeling "left out" or "forgotten" or whatever, but I'm trying lately to just realize that you can't count on ANYONE but God and His Promises because man is feeble, fickle, and are msot likely just as lost as anyone else, but we can also count on the CHURCH because God established it to protect us, the faithful, and guide us always.
http://catholicforum.fisheaters.com/index.php/topic,3448658.0.html
This is why I have such a hard time with many of those who attend the Traditional Latin Mass (Extraordinary Form) especially those who go to SSPX chapels. Had to make the distinction before someone jumps on me and says that I hate all traditionalists and adherents of the Society of St. Pius X(SSPX).
One of the posters there (my favorite poster actually) expressed something that she appreciated about the SSPX which she normally criticizes for their harsh, scathing words especially when they insult the Holy Father (Pope Benedict XVI) or accuse the Novus Ordo (NO..Ordinary Form of the Roman Rite or New Mass) and its Sacraments as being invalid, heretical, fake, etc. In response to the kind remark she made about the SSPX, another poster immediately shot her comment down by making a derogatory and blasphematory statement about Our Lord present in the Blessed Sacrament. She even explained that she was also making that statement of apprecition to kinda cool the air and be more charitable to the SSPX adherents.
The conversation spun out into the usual: a battle between the SSPX and the in-communion-with-Rome trads going back and forth with the typical name-calling (The NO religion is false and not Catholic, you're not with the Church because you insult the Pope, the NO is to blame for your husband's loss of fatih, etc). This woman is struggling with the fact that her husband, her spouse, is possibly losing the faith because of the cruel remarks of some SSPX adherents and other die-hard traditionalist Catholics because they're making him feel like he's just "worshipping bread and wine and not Christ's true Body and Blood."
The Sacraments are Sacraments, they always confer Sanctifying Grace (or increase it) in the soul when they're received worthily and through them we receive the mercy and Grace that our Lord gave by His Passion, Death, and Resurrection. They are not dependent upon the orthodoxy or lack thereof of the priest or bishop administering them, but on the matter (tangible things required), form (proper words used in their administration/reception), and intent (the Theological Virtues of Faith, Hope, and Charity, and intangible things/dispositions required).
What is wrong with our Church? There are all these factions and camps and not enough unity and agreement. And all the name-calling, are we really in 2nd grade?? (I feel like I just insulted second graders even...). Radical traditionalists, neo-con bullies, cafeteria Catholics, liberal Catholics, FSSP/ICKSP traditional Catholics, SSPX traditional Catholics, NOers, etc...
This labeling is getting tired and is making us look bad to non-Catholics, we can't even agree on our own religion, we're looking just as bad as Protestants (although they aren't really pointing fingers at each other...which is funny because they all teach different things, but it's okay for others to have heterodox faith and be saved, but Roman Catholics are damned by virtue of the fact that we identify as such...okay).
I mean, it's not even admonishing a sinner, but just being cruel, impatient, and irritable. Yes, it is tiring to have to deal with how most people have such a flawed and distorted view of Catholicism that it's like they aren't even practicing the same religion (I'm guilty of this myself; usually I shiver when someone tells me they're Catholic anymore because I am immediately thinking how well do they know our doctrines).
But it does bother me that SSPX adherents have this "If they want to be saved, they'll come to us" attitude and are not concerned at pushing others away. In a way, they're right, you don't adjust the Truth just to get a butt in a seat (bishops take heed), but you don't want to insult someone away and give them a bad taste in their mouths either. Be a good witness, and know that people have feelings too.
On the contrary, people in the Ordinary Form and non-traditional camp need to stop acting like anything goes. This also sickens me. Right and wrong do exist. Truth is important, lies need to be banished. Educate yourselves and stop doing everything based on what feels right and good and please, PLEASE, stop being passive spectators at Mass like you're watching a concert. I love how the "Spirit of Vatican II" crowd loooves to harp participatio actuosa *cough* I mean, "active participation" down everyone's throats, but those that assist at the Extraordinary Form seem to be more actively participating where it really counts (the heart) than those at the Ordinary Form, and also most people don't jet out of the church so quickly like they're gasping for fresh air after Mass.
Most of the stupid and ridiculous comments came from trad guys that wanted to argue the NO matter, but most of them didn't say but a couple words about the spiritual distress she and her husband were going through (which she felt was because of them).
Help those who are in error to try to find and see the Truth, do not just post all these templated phrases and impulsive responses to things (that gets old and you sound like a machine) because we are our brother's keepers (Book of Genesis IV, 9).
This is just really disgusting and I've noticed that I get a lot of criticism too for feeling "left out" or "forgotten" or whatever, but I'm trying lately to just realize that you can't count on ANYONE but God and His Promises because man is feeble, fickle, and are msot likely just as lost as anyone else, but we can also count on the CHURCH because God established it to protect us, the faithful, and guide us always.
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