De Profundis (Out of the Depths)

The Agony of the Garden

Today I am distressed by my sins and just want to atone for them and do penance.  It is particularly fitting for today because the Church commemorates (at least in the traditional calendar) the Feast of the Most Precious Blood of Our Lord Jesus Christ.

Father said in his sermon today that the importance of this Feast is to remind us that it is by the shedding of Christ's Blood that we are saved and given Life.  His Blood was shed because of my offenses and my weakness; being obstinate in sin, how could I ever hope for Heaven unless the Lord come down to sacrifice Himself for me?  When I really think about this, it causes me anguish that I repay God for His bountiful blessings with constant relapses into sin.  He gave me life, a family, friends, Catholicism, knowledge of the True Faith, and in return I spit in His Face, offend His goodness, crucify Him with my selfishness and the evils that plague my body and mind.  I am not a Christian, much less do I even deserve to invoke His Holy Name in time of trouble...  But praise God for His mercy and healing by instituting the Sacrament of Penance.

Moreover, Jesus Christ shed His Blood of His own will and it was His desire to do so and a simple reminder of the famous verse of the Evangelist St. John (III, 16) in his Gospel which reads:

For God so loved the world, as to give his only begotten Son; that whosoever believeth in him, may not perish, but may have life everlasting.

These words sum up perfectly why our Lord gave His Life, because He loves us and wants us to be with Him.  He doesn't want any of His children to be cast into the eternal abyss of death and woe, Hell, that dark frightening place prepared for Satan and his angels and which is populated (and continues to be so) by those souls who, like me, have turned their backs on God.  What is more to think that down there are souls who haven't offended God nearly as much as I have, and that is scary and that makes me feel guilty about my persistence in the hatred of God by sinning against Him.

I just want to turn away now and forever, even at this very moment, from all the wicked that I do and follow Christ.  I want to love Him, I want to be like Him, I do not want to be like the heathens of this world and I also want to hate the world, but how?  Yes, I've asked for these before and continue to ask for them, but not actively, not with the intention of having my prayer answered at that very moment (if we pray for something, we should be ready to accept that God give it to us right then and there to see if our intentions are pure).  That's another sin, praying to God in vain.  Who taught me that?  Where did I learn that from?  Certainly not from my parents...  

I keep feeling like I won't be able to live chaste life as long as I remain attracted to males and as long as I feel those attractions, then I will never really be able to cooperate with Grace.  Yes, I have received the Sacraments as "worthily" as I could at times, but like my friend told me, I didn't bring a large vessel to the Lord for Him to fill it with His Sanctifying Grace, but rather a small, fragile one which can easily be emptied and broken.  But how do I bring Him a larger, durable vessel?  Lord, in Thy mercy, please give me one!

What has become of my prayer life?  Has life gotten me down that much that I no longer see the use in [lifting] mine eyes to the mountains from which help shall come to me (Psalm CXX, 1)?  No wonder... In this state, and as immersed in sin as I am, I should be tiring myself out with prayer.  The Saints did.  I just read last night about St. Catherine of Genoa who would spend hours upon hours daily in prayer and atoning for the sins of a short time of her life.  St. Francis of Assisi and St. Anthony of Padua sought God constantly in prayer.  Ste-Therese de Lisieux prayed very passionately yet simplistically to the Blessed Trinity and leaned on God.  What am I doing?  This is embarrassing even.

What should I do?  Have any of you felt this way?  What would you tell someone in my shoes?  While you ponder this, please pray for me and all those who drown themselves in their sins because only the Grace of God which comes to us through the Blood of Christ can save us.  Pray for those who struggle with similar sins as yourselves, form solidarity with them.  Pray for those who do not even know Christ or His Holy Gospel because without Faith, no one can be saved.  Pray for the Holy Father, His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI as he works to reconcile fallen away brethren with the Church again, and definitely pray for the Suffering Souls in Purgatory as they cry out to God for mercy.

It's Wrong, but Feels so Right

Spring 2012 semester is soon to come to an end and I cannot say thank God enough...

I need to take this summer to regroup and get myself together before restarting in the fall.  I got my financial aid filled out by the priority deadline and hope that I get a pretty good reward.  I just didn't do well this semester and need to get back to my old academic self.  Since I made so many changes in my life and way of thinking and carrying myself, I think it has left me second-guessing a lot of things.  Adjusting for me is so difficult because I'm such a perfectionist and the Lord did not bless me with the skill of multitasking at all...that is for sure.

For so long I have been concentrating on trying to get others to accept me (and they did, I just didn't appreciate it or realize it), but now I need to learn to accept myself and do things that will help me to achieve that goal without relying on anyone else to make myself love me.  That has been that cliche thing that never really understood how to do; I thought I was accepting myself by just being me, but since I do not really know who I am, hmm...makes that kind of difficult.  To be real, I truly want to find myself and know who I am.  Sometimes I feel like I base myself off of whom I'm around at the time or whatever "reference group" is most appealing at any given moment.  Consistency, my dear friends, that is what I want to achieve.

No, I still haven't gone to Mass yet nor have I really spent any time in prayer except for my usual blessings before meals, prayers for the dead when passing cemeteries, and ejaculations to the Lord when passing churches where He is physically present (I say Dominus meus, et Deus meus (my Lord and my God) when passing churches while crossing myself), and of course invoking the Holy Trinity when getting into a vehicle and at other random times.

The reason that I'm afraid to pray or "practice" the Faith anymore (although in my head I want to) is because I'm afraid things are going to start going to dirt again.  I'm afraid I'm going to be lonely and repulsive to others as I'm really enjoying my social life these days.  I'm afraid I'm going to neglect my studies again at the expense of religion like I have been any time I get really deep into practicing.  I just told my friend the other day while texting her that I get so motivated on some Holy Ghost that I be going full force, but then He leaves me and I'm so exhausted and stuck in the dirt with no ambulance or Water or any help to revive myself.  That's kinda where I feel like I am spiritually.  I'm afraid I'm going to lose all of the guy friends I've been making (you know guys hate religion...how many guys have left comments on this blog?  Two...).  

People say they enjoy me so much more this way, I'm enjoying myself so much more and I'm having so much fun and before it was like fun was few and far between.  The thought of being alone doesn't really scare me anymore and I don't necessarily feel like I need a man to make me feel complete and I feel like I haven't been chasing guys nearly as much.  Sure, I still check them out and notice their fineness, but I don't get depressed wondering whether or not they'll speak to me ever.  

I know, this sounds so messed up.  All the Catholics are reading this and seeing the idolatry clear as day.  Of course worldly things seem appealing and luring and worth it because they can and do feel good, but what will I say to God when I die?  When in all of this am I taking up a cross?  I don't even want to carry one right now because I feel like I've carried one for so long.  Deep down I know that seeking happiness in this life can and most likely will lead to ruin, but I need a break...seriously.  Anyone that knows me intimately will testify to my extreme devotion to the practice of the Faith to the point that it was kind of obsessive.

If there is a way to harmonize these two things (which according to the Holy Scriptures, there isn't), someone please let me know.  I am probably disappointing so many Catholics right now as I'm rejoicing so many heathens.  I can't win.

However, I am happy, and I am having a great day!  I am lamenting my grades, sure, but my stress is low and my motivation to be better the next time is very high.

Alright I think that's enough for right now.