De Profundis (Out of the Depths)

The Agony of the Garden

Today I am distressed by my sins and just want to atone for them and do penance.  It is particularly fitting for today because the Church commemorates (at least in the traditional calendar) the Feast of the Most Precious Blood of Our Lord Jesus Christ.

Father said in his sermon today that the importance of this Feast is to remind us that it is by the shedding of Christ's Blood that we are saved and given Life.  His Blood was shed because of my offenses and my weakness; being obstinate in sin, how could I ever hope for Heaven unless the Lord come down to sacrifice Himself for me?  When I really think about this, it causes me anguish that I repay God for His bountiful blessings with constant relapses into sin.  He gave me life, a family, friends, Catholicism, knowledge of the True Faith, and in return I spit in His Face, offend His goodness, crucify Him with my selfishness and the evils that plague my body and mind.  I am not a Christian, much less do I even deserve to invoke His Holy Name in time of trouble...  But praise God for His mercy and healing by instituting the Sacrament of Penance.

Moreover, Jesus Christ shed His Blood of His own will and it was His desire to do so and a simple reminder of the famous verse of the Evangelist St. John (III, 16) in his Gospel which reads:

For God so loved the world, as to give his only begotten Son; that whosoever believeth in him, may not perish, but may have life everlasting.

These words sum up perfectly why our Lord gave His Life, because He loves us and wants us to be with Him.  He doesn't want any of His children to be cast into the eternal abyss of death and woe, Hell, that dark frightening place prepared for Satan and his angels and which is populated (and continues to be so) by those souls who, like me, have turned their backs on God.  What is more to think that down there are souls who haven't offended God nearly as much as I have, and that is scary and that makes me feel guilty about my persistence in the hatred of God by sinning against Him.

I just want to turn away now and forever, even at this very moment, from all the wicked that I do and follow Christ.  I want to love Him, I want to be like Him, I do not want to be like the heathens of this world and I also want to hate the world, but how?  Yes, I've asked for these before and continue to ask for them, but not actively, not with the intention of having my prayer answered at that very moment (if we pray for something, we should be ready to accept that God give it to us right then and there to see if our intentions are pure).  That's another sin, praying to God in vain.  Who taught me that?  Where did I learn that from?  Certainly not from my parents...  

I keep feeling like I won't be able to live chaste life as long as I remain attracted to males and as long as I feel those attractions, then I will never really be able to cooperate with Grace.  Yes, I have received the Sacraments as "worthily" as I could at times, but like my friend told me, I didn't bring a large vessel to the Lord for Him to fill it with His Sanctifying Grace, but rather a small, fragile one which can easily be emptied and broken.  But how do I bring Him a larger, durable vessel?  Lord, in Thy mercy, please give me one!

What has become of my prayer life?  Has life gotten me down that much that I no longer see the use in [lifting] mine eyes to the mountains from which help shall come to me (Psalm CXX, 1)?  No wonder... In this state, and as immersed in sin as I am, I should be tiring myself out with prayer.  The Saints did.  I just read last night about St. Catherine of Genoa who would spend hours upon hours daily in prayer and atoning for the sins of a short time of her life.  St. Francis of Assisi and St. Anthony of Padua sought God constantly in prayer.  Ste-Therese de Lisieux prayed very passionately yet simplistically to the Blessed Trinity and leaned on God.  What am I doing?  This is embarrassing even.

What should I do?  Have any of you felt this way?  What would you tell someone in my shoes?  While you ponder this, please pray for me and all those who drown themselves in their sins because only the Grace of God which comes to us through the Blood of Christ can save us.  Pray for those who struggle with similar sins as yourselves, form solidarity with them.  Pray for those who do not even know Christ or His Holy Gospel because without Faith, no one can be saved.  Pray for the Holy Father, His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI as he works to reconcile fallen away brethren with the Church again, and definitely pray for the Suffering Souls in Purgatory as they cry out to God for mercy.

Forgiveness and the State of Grace

The other day while I was browsing through Fisheaters watching the usual confrontations, one poster (an SSPXer) made a great point that has been on my heart the past couple days, especially in light of the theological debates that I've been in. 

She said that all of the pointing fingers and calling so-and-so a heretic/schismatic and saying who is and isn't in the Church should not be determined by us sinners, but that what we should really be doing is making sure that we're in a State of Grace (not guilty of any mortal sin) and seek virtue and piety regardless of what Mass we attend and in spite of our views on "being in-communion with Rome."

I was pretty floored and thought to myself, "Wow, I'm not in a State of Grace, and the arguing to seeing with whom I agree and disagree is not going to restore me back to God's friendship."  It was quite humbling.  Of course her post was ignored by most of the alpha male youngeons who are trying to impress each other...  *rolls eyes*

Protestants and non-believers often accuse Roman Catholics (and the Eastern Orthodox if they even know who they are) of going to the priest for forgiveness instead of going to God directly.  Sadly, I think a lot of us Catholics do have that mindset, but oh how flawed it is and it is such a trick of Satan to delay our seeking the Grace of God.

We need to be begging the Lord for mercy frequently throughout the day, and definitely before we retire to sleep at night because we never know when the Lord will come for us (First Epistle of St. Paul the Apostle to the Thessalonians, V, 2) and should we be guilty or conscious of even one mortal sin at that time, our souls will be lost for all eternity and we will be confined to the endless woes of Hell.

All mortal sins can be forgiven by making a sincere and devout act of Perfect Contrition (Catechism of the Catholic Church 1452) WITH the firm resolution to receive the Sacrament of Penance ASAP afterwards.  If one is truly sorry for his sins, he naturally has the intention of going to Confession if and when he can.  Keep in mind the Perfect Contrition is sorrow for sin motivated by the Theological Virtue of Charity, love for God and extreme anguish of the soul at having offended His goodness.

We should try to make these acts frequently throughout the day and not just when we know we're going to Confession.

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just, to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all iniquity."  --First Epistle of St. John the Evangelist, I, 9)

We can (and should) confess our sins to God at any time if we are truly sorry for our sins and are ready to turn from our evil ways. 

Keep in mind that although we have Perfect Contrition and earnestly ask for the forgiveness of God, we may not partake of any of the Sacraments (Penance excepted) until we have received sacramental absolution through the Sacrament of Penance.  We MAY NOT receive Holy Communion if we have any mortal sins to confess for which we have not yet received sacramental absolution.  This is a Law of the Church.  Case closed.  But this does not in any way remove our obligation to always ask for God's forgiveness.

Another thing to note is even though we have Perfect Contrition and make a sincere act before the majesty of God, we do not receive the Sanctifying Grace of the Sacrament, and therefore do not receive the Sacramental Grace to help us avoid the sin and it is likely that we may fall again very soon.  This is why it is important and necessary to make frequent Confessions (frequent by the Church's standards means at least once a month or more). 

If we do not have Perfect Contrition, we may still receive the Sacrament of Penance provided we have at least Imperfect Contrition (or attrition) which means a distaste and disgust for sin because of how evil it is and because we fear not going to Heaven or we fear going to Hell.  Perfect Contrition is motivated by love for God, while Imperfect Contrition is motivated by fear of His Judgments.  The latter is the minimun necessary to receive the Sacrament of Penance.

Imperfect Contrition will NOT forgive mortal sin even in light of imminent death, so we must get ourselves into the habit of having Perfect Contrition and always pray for the increase in Charity which the Sacraments give.

If we die in a State of Grace, we are promised Eternal Life, although the fires of Purgatory are likely especially if we do not receive sacramental absolution or the Sacrament of Extreme Unction (or Annointing of the Sick).

Please read and pray the Seven Penitential Psalms 6, 31, 37, 50, 101, 129, and 142 (or for the modern Bibles 6, 32, 38, 51, 102, 130, and 143).