Inconveniences of Being a Believer: You Can't Win With Anyone!

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel. For it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth,"  --Epistle of St. Paul the Apostle to the Romans I, 16

Yeah...Lord, we need to talk about this.  Don't get me wrong, it is a beautiful verse, powerful, uplifting, just great!  But honestly...

Let me tell You something:  People hate people that are not ashamed of Your Holy and Life-Saving Gospel and think we're a bunch of crazy people (and You have to admit, a lot of us are and probably scandalize the Church to death because we can so judgmental, hypocrital, and anti-everything to the point that we aren't what people want to be around) and that's not the impression I want people to have of me!

I'ma be real with You, it is not fun living in a world with a conscience that makes you feel guilty about everything that seems fun and helpful and stress-relieving.  Besides, how are we supposed to bring people to You if they can't stand being around us in the first place? 

Most westerners live in societies where anything that has to do with Christianity is frowned upon and cast off as bad, hateful, prehistoric, medieval (although this isn't bad in all cases), etc.  They ain't trying to hear what we have to say about the Church and her Truths and doctrines.  All the waves of the hands in the face, and the deer-in-a-headlight looks (love that expression), and us feeling like we have spiders crawling out of our ears is frustrating with a capital F.



What society thinks Christianity is

 Also, you can't have a conversation about religion with non-believers usually without them giving their opinions about why the Church is wrong.  People are shockingly offended by the thought of Hell (and I love how no one thinks that they should go there personally, but have a whole laundry list full of those whom they think deserve it...).  Maybe it's me, and I'm used to it because I grew up believing that Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory were just as clear and real possibilities as the air I breathe.

See, everyone is focused on the future that they forget the here and now.  It's appalling to people that one can damn themselves to Hell eternally because of one thing, but then when you bring up repentance and forgiveness and just try again, then they're all like "Oh that's hypocritical!"  Shouldn't it logically follow in their minds that if one can damn himself to Hell for one bad thing, that someone can save their soul by one good thing?  (Calvinists, please me your mouths shut here please and thanks).

Society seems hell-bent (no pun intended) on finding the virtue in the ungodly, but also finding the vice in those who are trying to work out their salvation.

People question religion so they can find excuses not to believe and are not always interested in learning, hence they'll create strawmen such as the following:

--If God's real, why did He let the Holocaust happen?
--If God's real, why does He let innocent people die in car accidents and from other painful, agonizing diseases?
--If God's real, why is there poverty?
--How come Christians are so hateful?
--So, I'm gay or I have sex outside of marriage, am I going to Hell?
--I'm not Catholic, am I going to Hell?
--The Holy Scriptures are man-made and people kill each other over that book, your religion is fake, why do you follow that?

You give them an answer, and it's insufficient.  You show them a flaw in their reasoning, and they strangely don't hear what you said...

Then there are the questions of people who are less antagonistic and ask real questions such as:

--If you have to believe to go to Heaven, what about people who've never heard the Holy Gospel?
--What happens to children who die without the opportunity to receive the Sacrament of Baptism?
--What if you witness someone trying to kill your family, if you kill that person, is it still murder and sinful?
--I was never taught a religion, how do I know that the Catholic Church is right out of all the religions in the world?
--Where do those go who lived their whole lives as good people and never did anything bad, but just didn't believe?  Are they in Heaven or Hell?

These questions are harder to answer surprisingly and take lots of explanation, but people can generally agree to disagree after questions and answers like this, whereas the antagonistic ones are simple to answer usually, and just feed the hatred and animosity between the believers and the non-believers.  Interessant...

But then again, on the Catholic side, some of Your servants do need to chill for real.  A lot of us can have holier-than-thee attitudes and it's disgusting and they need to meditate on spiritual arrogance (a subset of spiritual pride).  Many of us need to stop belittling others that do not agree with us.  And I hate, absolutely HATE, that some Catholics (usually in the rad trad crowd) will shun you, insult  you, and slander/keep their distance from you if in their mind you're Hell-bound.  Ummm...shouldn't they be spending more time with thsoe people to try and help them?

Basically, Lord, what I'm saying is...help a brotha out!  It's hard enough trying to practice virtue; we don't need to be outcast on the same token that just makes it more difficult.

And yes, I am mindful of these verses:

"Remember my word that I said to you: The servant is not greater than his master. If they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you: if they have kept my word, they will keep yours also."  --Holy Gospel according to St. John XV, 20

"Blessed are ye when they shall revile you, and persecute you, and speak all that is evil against you, untruly, for my sake:"  --Holy Gospel according to St. Matthew V, 11

Trusting God is Scary Sometimes...

Mother always tells me that "When God closes one door, He opens up a new one."

I hope that is so true right about now.  I'm feeling depressed, but not hopeless really, just frustrated at where I'm supposed to go from here if that makes sense, so much is going on but not enough is going on I'm on a forreal brink at the moment.

This is why I have such a hard time praying the Our Father at the part where it is "Thy will be done."  Everytime I try to trust and submit to God's will, something bad happens and I gotta walk through it alone.  Lovin my life, right?  I just wish He would give me just a tad, tad break and let me enjoy things for once and not always have my conscience preaching at me.

Doesn't He realize that temptation to many things is everywhere (except for maybe in a cloistered monastery)??  If you avoid one temptation, you're confronted with another.  There is no rest.  How many times do we pray and beg in Holy Mass (in either Form) that the Lord grant us peace?  Where is this peace?  That is one of the parts of the Liturgy where my heart is really feeling it and I feel like I beg God.

My eyes are doing some serious rolling right about now.  *sigh*

It's like being Catholic, you can't enjoy anything...ugh!

Happy First Sunday of Quadragesima all

Appreciate What God Blesses Us With

So you know those lovely Lenten resolutions and plans I came up with?  Haven't followed any of them yet.  I'm so mad at myself.

Today, the cafeteria decided to serve some pretty tantalizing dishes...which is surprising because Foster Dining Hall is no gourmet spot, and of course of all days, it's a Lenten Friday, so could I enjoy any of these delicious dishes?  No.  I had a weird veggie burger thing when I wanted the fried chicken, and tonight, I had some pasta that I had tried to spice up, but ended up ruining it.  They had grilled chicken sandwiches...I LOVE grilled chicken sandwiches and the meat looked so tender, so fresh and white, it was still sizzling when I had passed.  Nope, couldn't have it.

And I thought and prayed for all those in the world who do not have food to eat and asked that the Lord provide for them and take care of them.  I bet had this been any other Friday during the year not in Quadragesima, I would have still found something to complain about in terms of the food at the cafeteria.

Things look and seem so much better when you can no longer have them.  Boy, am I getting a good dose of that realization particularly now as I'm dealing with the fact that my ex really has moved on.  We all need to really stop and think about the things we have in our lives, and appreciate and thank God for them because we aren't guaranteed to have them tomorrow.  We have food and water and shelter and clothing.  There are those who are living in the world without basic necessities, and who hardly complain.  Yet, we criticize the oh-so-expensive and poor quality food in our college/university cafeterias...while others are scraping food off of the ground because they're keeling over from hunger.  Think about that.

A friend invited me to the gym to train with him today and it did a lot of good.  I enjoyed his company and he is knowledgeable about the bodybuilding and powerlifting fields as well as the science of exercising.  He's a heavy lifter (did at least 3x as much weight as I was lifting) and I'm glad I went to the gym.  Also, it was good social time that I think I needed and I'm glad that people are trying to support me during this rough time for me.  I thank them all and am trying to appreciate them.

But what can I do for others?  I feel like I'm very selfish and do not help others out as much.  I wish I would be more encouraging to people and give them my shoulder when they need someone to lean on or cry on, but where am I?  Always lamenting what's going on in my own life like I'm the only one with problems.  I hate that about myself.  I'm so self-centered, it's ridiculous.  As Catholics, we should show love to our neighbor, not see how they can show love to us.

God has us all on a mission and I wish I knew what my specific mission/purpose was (other than do God's will and serve Him) so I could go with it.  There are so many paths I could take. 

I do know, however, that I did pray that God would lead me through the desert with Him, but there's one desert that I just do not want to go into...

Feelings

Today I had mixed emotions.

Part of me was ready to move on, but then part of me wanted to try again and I was going back and forth, forth and back all day, but I'm just hoping for the best really.  The Lord has a plan, I know it, but I'm just scared of what may happen (or lack thereof).

I thought about penance and forgiveness today and told myself that if I really love, then I have to set it free like my best friend tells me all the time.  But I am scared to.  Nothing really makes sense anymore.

Some Random Quadragesimal Thoughts

The Season of Quadragesima is now upon me and it is now time to stop the reflection and preparation of Septuagesima and put it into practice now.

Prayer is where I need to begin while fasting so that I can give alms fruitfully and turn my attention away from myself, but towards others through God.  I am hoping that the Holy Ghost will show me how to do good for others without necessarily expecting something good in return either from that person or from anyone else, but to just be content and happy knowing that I've pleased the Father who sees in secret (Holy Gospel according to St. Matthew VI, 4).  Most people would find it difficult to not see the fruits of your labors, but that's why we have Quadragesima, to show that the fruits of our labors are mostly in Heaven (Matthew VI, 20).

I will receive ashes on my forehead reminding me of my mortality and that because of the sin of Adam and my own sins, I am doomed to die because that's what sin brings (Romans VI, 23) and it should make me think about how I am nothing compared to God's perfection.  How will I pass my life?  I would like to spend the remaining time I have in penance and preparation to meet the Lord of Life, and to do His will.  I'm so easily distracted however because all around me is unholiness and it probably rubs off on me.  Mea culpa.

Also, because so many things have been taken from me recently, it is time that I start thanking God for what really matters and the blessings that I do have.  Those things that He took away in His Wisdom probably were not that necessary anyways or maybe to show me that I was not showing gratitude for them but taking them for granted.  Besides, what can I really with all those things in a desert anyways...

Today I'm going to spend some time thinking about some resolutions and finalizing my Lenten penances and keep looking for other ways to atone and show love to others.  But I feel like loving neighbor includes having a good relationship with yourself as well, umm about that...

God, I Cannot Keep Chasing You

About to head to Adoration soon to place myself at the foot of Christ's earthly throne and ask His help and advice.

I really need Him to uplift me and sustain my soul right now and I want Him to take care of me and to console and comfort me because of my weakness and because I don't really know what to do.  The heart is a fragile thing, and when it breaks, only God can heal it.  None of us are immune to real life (I mean that...none of us), and those particularly in touch with their feminine sides are going to the pangs of disappointment from a guy.  Maybe once, maybe twice or more, but it seems to happen to everyone and it hurts, but God is strong and He knows what He's doing.

My emotions are very unstable and no particular emotion seems to last for too long, but when I experience an emotion, I really experience it with all the intensity and passion one can imagine.  People have often described me as passionate.  But I am like a desert sandstorm in the sense that after the experience, I can go back to nothing.  I ended my first and only rlationship ever a few months ago and this week has been particularly hard because for some reason, it's on my mind again. 

I feel like I have been begging and praying that God give me some superwoman power to avoid feeling this vulnerable and from having the desire to "go back there."  But no, I have to struggle this out like any other woman does. 

Because of my state (SSA and gender problems), God doesn't want anyone else to share my love with anyone else.  He wants to have me all to Himself and wants me to be in love with Him alone, but why won't He pursue me so much that my mind doesn't drift from Him?  Any woman wants her man to pursue her, so why won't God pursue me and why does He leave me wanting to be wanted?  Lord, hear my prayer and heal me...

Satan keeps crawling into my mind telling me how I lost such a great man and won't let me remember all the problems and difficulties he and I had.  He keeps telling me to lament and to pity myself and shows me images in my mind of him being with someone else and happy with that other person while the thought of me sickens him to no end.  I just want God to block those thoughts, I don't want to experience human emotion because it's too hard for me.  I don't want to have feelings or be attracted to anyone anymore nor do I want to deal with temptation in the world because it makes me hate being Catholic knowing that I'm giving up all that (even though what I'm gaining is infinitely greater, but I can't experience it to know).  If this is how Catholicism has to be experienced, then I resent being baptized into this religion because I can't have temporal happiness either way.  At least the Catholic way promises eternal happiness, but who can really contemplate eternity? 

I still am in love, although I hate it because I can't have what I want.  With him I would have a family, someone who cares about me, protection and safety from those who hate me and wish harm to me, companionship, encouragement (sometimes...ha), but I would be confined to Hell and have no access to Grace.  Without Him, I can technically receive Sacraments and do good works and fast and give alms and have it amount to something, but I have to deal with a whole life time of being scared and always wondering what-if, and watching everyone around me have that which I do not have, I hate feeling left out, but then I could technically go to Heaven (or have a shot at it).  This isn't fun and I hate the agony. 

Satan sadistically likes the challenge I give him because I'm always on the brink, on that edge and threshold between Hell and Holiness and it would please him immensely for me to die having just barely breached the threshold so he can laugh in my face and tell me how everything I did was for nothing because I'm his now.  I wish God would pull me so far into the realm of holiness and fill me with so much Grace that it would take lots of hard work for me to even get to the threshold.  Satan won't do the same with the side of evil because if I were so far gone in that realm, I wouldn't be fun for him.  Why torture me if he already has me?

This is one of those times where I sit and wonder what the heck my Guardian Angel is doing...  Hello patron saints??  St. Christopher, St. Dominic, St. Patrick of Ireland, St. Maria Goretti, St. Anthony of Padua, do you all not see what I"m going through??????  Can I have one prayer on my behalf please?  An Our FAther?  Something, unless you guys don't care either. 

All it would take is for God to just alter my feelings just ever so slightly, show Himself to me, and I swear, I would not have any attachment to worldly things. 

While others are strong enough for sanctification through trials and tribulations, I am positive that my sanctification should be lived out in me not having to deal with any of that because I get easily discouraged and start to second guess all this.

Off to Adoration....begging my dear readership to say a prayer for me (Jesse, I know you got this part covered).

Btw, got through the Feast of St. Valentine, Martyr, unscathed and safely....because I actually observed it as the feast day of a Saint whose intercession I begged, and not some secular hearts and candy holiday which has no relation whatsoever.

We Have to have Faith in God's Mercy If We Want Healing

Our Lord Heals the Blind Man

"And they came to him, bringing one sick of the palsy, who was carried by four. And when they could not offer him unto him for the multitude, they uncovered the roof where he was; and opening it, they let down the bed wherein the man sick of the palsy lay. And when Jesus had seen their faith, he saith to the sick of the palsy: Son, thy sins are forgiven thee." --Holy Gospel according to St. Mark II, 3-5

Excerpt from the Holy Gospel of the Mass yesterday (Seventh Sunday in Ordinary Time, Year B, Ordinary Form) but I will also quote part of the Holy Gospel of the Mass of Quinquagesima Sunday (Extraordinary Form) which was yesterday because they're related to what I want to say.

"And Jesus standing, commanded him to be brought unto him. And when he was come near, he asked him, Saying: What wilt thou that I do to thee? But he said: Lord, that I may see. And Jesus said to him: Receive thy sight: thy faith hath made thee whole." --Holy Gospel according to St. Luke XVIII, 40-42

Two examples from the life-giving and expiating words of the Holy Gospels where those who believe are healed by Faith in God.  Both men were ardently and hastily seeking Jesus that He would heal them and the Lord took pity and told them that their Faith had made them whole or healed.  Their physical conditions (being paralyzed and being blind respectively) are representative of our sinful nature and how we are powerless to do anything about them through our own power, but through belief in God our sins are covered and we are made new.

But why do we continue in our sins?  Well, from what I've experience personally and observed, none of us run to the Sacrament of Penance or go through crazy measures (like creating a whole in the roof of a crowded place and lowering ourselves in just to get to Christ) to be healed.  The blind man was rebuked for crying out to God to have mercy on him, but he cried out even louder.  I think I definitely need to show God much more effort and haste when seeking to be united with Him, instead of wondering whether or not I'm ready for forgiveness etc etc.  If I'm not ready, I'm not ready, but try anyways (our priests are supposed to determine whether or not we receive absolution, not us).

The other important thing is both of these men had Faith, and they didn't hesitate.  That's our problem today.  We hesitate too much because we reason with ourselves how improbable things are instead of letting God be in control.  That, or we dont' want to give up our sins.  Or both.  These are very hard hurdles for me to jump over.  Maybe it's not as bad as it seems all the time; it may be me trying to protect myself from spiritual pride and arrogance. 

"For what saith the scripture? Abraham believed God, and it was reputed to him unto justice."  (Epistle of St. Paul the Apostle to the Romans IV, 3)

Anyone who has knowledge of what the Scriptures say about Faith and what the Church has taught about it knows that belief in God is not a virtue we ourselves can practice apart from His Grace and God giving the gift.  So we who believe should always thank God for our belief and put it into action otherwise our belief is vain and really not belief anymore...  (thank you St. James the Apostle (whichever one wrote the Epistle, Greater or Less)). 

We must always pray for those who do not believe that God would put it in their hearts to believe in Him and in His promises.  Say those Apostles' Creeds and make Acts of Faith.

Now pray for me as I try to put this into practice for my self...  Because I hesitate way too much.