In the mood to make another post to just get my thoughts out, not really a theme to this post, but just some ramblings...
For the first time in my entire life, I was did not celebrate liturgically the Solemnity of solemnities, the Feast of the Christian people, the reference point of our holy religion: the Solemnity of the Resurrection of the Lord. I don't really feel anything because of it either. Guilt is there, but at the same time, since I feel worlds away from the Church, kind of like I've been ejected with a mighty force, I'm not really sad... That is kinda worrisome. I won't lie, I do miss praying and going to Mass and reflecting on how to be a better Christian, but it's not where I am at the moment.
Right now, I want to just figure things out. I want to figure out a way to do well in school so I can graduate and at least say I have a degree. For some reason, I cannot consistently concentrate on work and my grades have gone to Hell in a handbasket. I want to succeed and make something of myself and do not want to be stuck working as a Crew Member at Burger King for the rest of my life. How do I get some consistency with studying and excelling? I know I'm capable of getting great grades; I've gotten all A's before, but something has been going on that has just made this semester push me ten thousand steps back. I owe this to my family and to myself and to Black people, gays, transgendered persons, and those who are marginalized to show that we can succeed and we can be "better" and make something out of ourselves and that we cannot let society tell us that we can't.
Weight gain has been difficult and I haven't gained much and it's expensive to eat more food, but I need to have this body. It will be the key to my social success and will make me feel better about my own self knowing that if others reject me, at least it won't be because I'm not physically on par. I'm sick of being skinny and I'm way past anorexia and do not want to ever go back there. I have been strong my whole life and physically I can be strong and strapping as well. There really is no reason for me to have to take a back seat to others when I can be where they are and have the same respect that others give them. I don't want to be that "awww little cute kid" that girls think I am... Don't pity me, goodness, ughh.
I really like the new outfits I got for my birthday. I'm finally wearing shorts again!!! Why hide these legs when they're one of my best features? I thought I would loath dressing like a straight guy, but it's actually kind of fun. Granted, I still like the girl stuff as well and still think it's cute, but I don't really wear those kinds of clothes. I would like to still wear them, sure, and yes, I feel kind of fake and conceited dressing in this new way, but I figure I'll test the waters for a while to see what happens and if I get the attention I want from people, I'll definitely keep it up. I look really good in these new clothes and must say that I still have my hand at style, I just need to be able to afford these kinds of clothes on the regular. It sucks not making enough to buy the clothes you want.
Getting an iPhone 4!!!! My BlackBerry Storm 2 can take a serious hike because I hate the thing, it's old, beat, cracked screen, and it's not really an "in" phone anymore. The iPhone is much more popular on college campuses and much more enviable and definitely a hotter phone and the technology on it is killer. At any rate, it can't be worse than a BlackBerry... I noticed all the cool and popular kids (if you can call them that) have them and it won't be as embarrassing to use my phone I guess.
Next on my list is to save up for an Xbox 360 and a flat screen and start playing Call of Duty and whatever other games guys play these days. Those video games really are not my style, but I'm all about trying new things these days and even am about to try to start learning about sports and keeping up to date on the stats of popular players and teams and what not.
This whole makeover is kind of fun and will probably give me the boost I need to keep moving forward and achieve my goals. I don't have to be a loser anymore or that "weird kid" or whatever. None of that really pays off anyways. Being nice and a pushover all the time really was getting me nowhere and it was making people take advantage of me which is going to stop. I'm not a door mat, nor am I someone who doesn't have feelings and wishes and I don't need to be treated like utter crap because I'm different. I have just as much a right to be in this world as anyone else and I don't need to take bs for it. I am a strong person and I will succeed and I will be better.
All those who tried to keep me down, discourage me, tell me I wasn't good enough or that I couldn't do it are going to see that I will make room for myself. If you don't like me, that's not my problem anymore. I spent too long hurting myself and feeling guilty trying to make those people happy and just led to rejection after rejection, well now it's time for me to stand up and accept myself (with a few nuances...you should always please the customer if they're willing to pay).
God put me on this Earth for a reason and I am going to discover what that reason is. I need to stay positive and encourage myself even when others will not (although I greatly appreciate the encouragement I do/did get). I shouldn't settle for anything less than what I want and what I know I am capable of having.
It seems like a lot of people were all too happy to show me the door (figuratively speaking) out of the Church and criticize my every move and never fail to let me know in roundabout ways how much of a freaking heathen they thought I was.... I also would like to point out how hard I did try to get traditional Catholics to accept me and put myself through a lot and denied myself a lot to try to get their approval, but they ALWAYS had something to say, always... Never looking at any other Catholics' flaws, but just mine. It's exhausting, I can only try so hard, I can only fail so much until I try something different so now I am.
Yes, I have been receiving e-mails and messages from people telling me that they do miss me at church and are still praying for me and are hoping I come back and what not, but I still have trads screaming in my ears and before my eyes. When I think of Catholicism, I think of those people that did everything they could to try to keep me away from the Church and feeling isolated. I'm having a hard time thinking of those kind and holy souls that did so much to try and help me stay in (the screams are louder than the rubs on the back). It sucks, because I want to reach out to those people and tell them how much I appreciated all they did for me. I still think the Latin Mass is a beautiful gem of the Church and a holy expression of our Faith and worship, but the people that attend... There's still a lot of pent up anger that I'm trying to drain out (and once it's out I'm hoping I'll be able to have the humility to go back to church), but my best friend is telling me how much funner I am as a "non religious" person. It makes me mad when he says that, but oh well. He doesn't change his mind either.
Alright, that's enough for now. My racing thoughts are all over the place and I could write ten more pages, but I'll let you ponder that. I'll ponder it myself. I am happier these days. I don't know. Class at 8 AM.
Hope everyone had a great Easter and will have a blessed Easter Season.
PS: I'm STILL waiting to hear from my spiritual director, if he doesn't answer me soon, then I'm done with that.