I need to take this summer to regroup and get myself together before restarting in the fall. I got my financial aid filled out by the priority deadline and hope that I get a pretty good reward. I just didn't do well this semester and need to get back to my old academic self. Since I made so many changes in my life and way of thinking and carrying myself, I think it has left me second-guessing a lot of things. Adjusting for me is so difficult because I'm such a perfectionist and the Lord did not bless me with the skill of multitasking at all...that is for sure.
For so long I have been concentrating on trying to get others to accept me (and they did, I just didn't appreciate it or realize it), but now I need to learn to accept myself and do things that will help me to achieve that goal without relying on anyone else to make myself love me. That has been that cliche thing that never really understood how to do; I thought I was accepting myself by just being me, but since I do not really know who I am, hmm...makes that kind of difficult. To be real, I truly want to find myself and know who I am. Sometimes I feel like I base myself off of whom I'm around at the time or whatever "reference group" is most appealing at any given moment. Consistency, my dear friends, that is what I want to achieve.
No, I still haven't gone to Mass yet nor have I really spent any time in prayer except for my usual blessings before meals, prayers for the dead when passing cemeteries, and ejaculations to the Lord when passing churches where He is physically present (I say Dominus meus, et Deus meus (my Lord and my God) when passing churches while crossing myself), and of course invoking the Holy Trinity when getting into a vehicle and at other random times.
The reason that I'm afraid to pray or "practice" the Faith anymore (although in my head I want to) is because I'm afraid things are going to start going to dirt again. I'm afraid I'm going to be lonely and repulsive to others as I'm really enjoying my social life these days. I'm afraid I'm going to neglect my studies again at the expense of religion like I have been any time I get really deep into practicing. I just told my friend the other day while texting her that I get so motivated on some Holy Ghost that I be going full force, but then He leaves me and I'm so exhausted and stuck in the dirt with no ambulance or Water or any help to revive myself. That's kinda where I feel like I am spiritually. I'm afraid I'm going to lose all of the guy friends I've been making (you know guys hate religion...how many guys have left comments on this blog? Two...).
People say they enjoy me so much more this way, I'm enjoying myself so much more and I'm having so much fun and before it was like fun was few and far between. The thought of being alone doesn't really scare me anymore and I don't necessarily feel like I need a man to make me feel complete and I feel like I haven't been chasing guys nearly as much. Sure, I still check them out and notice their fineness, but I don't get depressed wondering whether or not they'll speak to me ever.
I know, this sounds so messed up. All the Catholics are reading this and seeing the idolatry clear as day. Of course worldly things seem appealing and luring and worth it because they can and do feel good, but what will I say to God when I die? When in all of this am I taking up a cross? I don't even want to carry one right now because I feel like I've carried one for so long. Deep down I know that seeking happiness in this life can and most likely will lead to ruin, but I need a break...seriously. Anyone that knows me intimately will testify to my extreme devotion to the practice of the Faith to the point that it was kind of obsessive.
If there is a way to harmonize these two things (which according to the Holy Scriptures, there isn't), someone please let me know. I am probably disappointing so many Catholics right now as I'm rejoicing so many heathens. I can't win.
However, I am happy, and I am having a great day! I am lamenting my grades, sure, but my stress is low and my motivation to be better the next time is very high.
Alright I think that's enough for right now.
I absolutely love this. Everything on my mind has not been organized, so this might come out as a big blab haha. I think a huge theme I've been noticing is the act of sacrifice. A great quote I heard from Amplify once was "God does extraordinary things through ordinary people willing to make extraordinary sacrifices.", referring back to the book of Nehemiah and his story. Whatever it takes, the Lord will provide. He will provide us with a crazy, confident, and strong relationship with Him if we're willing to COMPLETELY sacrifice the walls that have been built that prevent us from this relationship, such as worries about grades, what other's think, time, etc. And I stress 'completely' because it's all or nothing here. God will not just accept 10% of what we need to sacrifice, while we expect Him to give us 100% of Himself. That's in no way fair, and the Lord is just. So, I'd love to talk more about this <3 Text me soon so we can and we can also do dinner soon!
ReplyDeleteThat's the thing, I know I need to sacrifice something to God and that I really shouldn't expect anything from Him (must less when I don't offer Him much...) and it is very all of nothing, but I keep wanting to hold on to some of those few things. Thanks for reading and for coming yesterday! I'm definitely blogging about that... Ugh!!!
DeleteI have a few books for you Chris, they are free to read online, and i just wanted to recommend that you read just a little from them each day if you can,
ReplyDeletehttp://archive.org/details/theheartofthegos00donnuoft
http://archive.org/stream/meditationsday00bacouoft#page/n3/mode/2up
http://www.columbia.edu/cu/augustine/arch/chastity.html
i have my reasons for suggesting each one, so even if you think you don't need to read one or more, please consider them anyways.
i also want to point out, i am not disappointed in you, although i am not a rejoicing heathen either :P but i am not upset either way, i know you are struggling with both God and the world, and you are right, you cannot have both, as Saint John Vianney puts it - "You cannot please both God and the world at the same time, They are utterly opposed to each other in their thoughts, their desires, and their actions."
Jesus told us that if we followed Him that we would be persecuted, but He also said we would never be alone, so don't be fooled, God never leaves you, even if you lose your sanctifying grace, God is still there, although you may not feel Him, but that means nothing, those feelings, as i've said before, are not an indication of Gods presnece, God gives those consolations to you when it is useful to do so for your good, and likewise He takes them away at times when it will be good for you also.
but anyways, i'm not gunna make a big long post like usual...but if you have any questions at all, i'm more than happy to talk with you about anything.
hope you find the books helpful. take care.
Another beautiful message once again full of truth and touching at the same time. You are right that God is always present and that He does things for our good only even if they do not feel good and I am struggling with the world and with God and I need to get over the "which is the easy way out" way of thinking because that never leads to any kind of true happiness.
DeleteThanks for these books, I'll try to read a little bit of them daily and also thanks again for your participating in this blog.
Blessed Eastertide to you!
Christopher