Just checking in with everyone, and once again thanks for all the uplifting comments and the encouragement and support. It means a lot and it shows that people really do care. I appreciate it.
I still haven't been going to church or praying because every time I get the urge, I have the natural impulse to veil and try to show humility, and since I haven't figured out a good way to internally or externally show humility and piety, I just haven't been doing anything. Not to mention how foreign it all feels. I can't believe it's Holy Week! I did continue to observe Friday abstinence and I still bless my food before meals and cross myself when passing churches or cemeteries and bow my head at the Holy Name.
Since I can't really practice Catholicism for now, I've turned my attention to trying to better myself as a person and in my dealings with society. If I have drop the whole 'woman' thing, then I guess I may as well do the 'man' thing up. So, I'm trying to get back into weight training and have been living on www.bodybuilding.com lately. I updated my body space profile and put in some goals that I'll share with you all as well.
I want to bulk up to at least 125 lbs to start and increase my bench press by 10 lbs, deadlift by 15 lbs, squat by 20 lbs, bent-over barbell row by 5 lbs, and I'm not sure about the overhead press yet, but I'll figure that out tonight when I train. I've always kinda watched my weight and have been afraid to gain weight for fear of looking too masculine and burly, but now I'm trying to put that aside and try a more model look.
My protein powder arrived today. Optimum's 100% Soy Protein (I'm lactose intolerant, so whey wouldn't be good...) and I'm going to be ordering Creatine and Nitric Oxide as pre/post-training supplements and trying to increase my calorie intake.
My prayer (kinda literally) is that this helps me to accept myself more and helps me to not be looked down upon by others. When I would practice religion, somehow I could deal (in a way) with societal rejection (thinking about the Passion of the Lord, the isolation and persecution of the Saints, etc.) but now it's like I have nothing so it's like I need to give myself this. I really wanted this for a while. I've always wanted to be considered attractive and cool and not be on the bottom rungs of society (where it seemed like only my mom still thought I was great lol).
I've been focusing on compound lifts since I started taking this seriously last year. Bench presses, dead lifts, squats, rows, overhead presses, etc. to help gain mass and size and then once I get more solid and advanced in this, I may start working on isolation movements (individual body parts). Focusing on nutrition for right now. When I get more money, I'm going shopping to get a new wardrobe and wear hotter clothes and accessories. Before, I tried to just get by on personality and my little "charm," but that doesn't lead anywhere really. I have to be honest in the world. You have to be attractive for people to take you seriously. Period.
All this stuff has made me quite emotional, but somewhat comforting. It's like a good escape. Hopefully it'll help me quit smoking too. I do miss the Church and stuff, but I just don't feel welcome or "right" in there anymore. Yes, I still believe in all the teachings, and I don't think there's any other true Church, but I'm not one of those people really. Who am I kidding... I just think I needed to finally realize that perhaps. And my spiritual director still hasn't gotten back to me. I know it's Holy Week and he's busy, but I think that may be a sign...