Our Lord Jesus Christ, the King

Our Lord Jesus Christ, the King
Thou art the King of Glory, O Lord Jesus Christ; when Thou didst take upon Thee to deliver man, Thou didst not abhor the Virgin's Womb

Monday, March 26, 2012

Indifferent Again, and Beef with Catholics

So I'm basically back to total indifference about religion and the Church and stuff.  Not totally indifferent, but there's just too much distance between me and the Church at the moment that I'm just like ugh it's not worth it.  Funny, because the church is right next door to me lol.

Anyways, I know I should pray and read the Scriptures and go visit the church and stuff, but there's just no allure or appeal at the moment and I'm feeling very not religious, almost to the point where I don't want to see anyone from church or hear about it or think about it because for some reason, I'm just really angry and this is not what I want.  Total 180 from a couple weeks ago.

I know most of this stems from pride and from anger because I'll never be able to be the Catholic that I want to be or that I'm supposed to be, but whatever.  Things just seem so appealing in the lives of my peers here at school (they don't have to worry about religion and what not) and I'm starting to wonder if I'm depriving myself of a good life and good times for nothing or to get the approval of people who probably more or less don't really care lol.  Ha...

Didn't go to Sunday Mass yesterday because I can't face all those people nor do I even wanna be in there and have that uncomfortable feeling like everyone is staring at me asking themselves questions like they don't have sins either and like they're just so much better than I am, yaaaa totally dude.

Not to brag, but I'm sure I put more "umph" into being Catholic in spite of my flaws than a good 95% of people in there so how dare they stick their nose up at me.

I figured it out though, I want worship alone:  me, a priest, and God because then I wouldn't be beaten with the thoughts and realizations of how different I am from everyone yayy!!!  Wooohooo!!!  Losers unite!

To be honest, another reason I really do not want to go to church anymore is because I actually really don't even like most other Catholics very much.  I mean, I know it sounds awful, but it's true; I can't stand being around most of them because they just seem so fake and stuck up OF and EF alike.  And being around them, like just being in the same room, actually makes me feel really really bad about myself because I know that in their eyes, I will always be a fag and regardless of how passionate I am about the Church and her history and no matter how much I cultivate my spiritual life, most of them won't be impressed that I could probably teach a grad school course on Theology.  I've tried to impress them, epic fail.  Some people are not accepted by their families.  But it won't sound as bad once I admit that most of them can't stand me either so we're even, but it's me versus all of them so I have a little more weight to carry.  *smile*

There are some Catholics who really love me and care about me and do genuinely want my spiritual well-being and they will always be my brothers and sisters in Christ and friends and family to me and I love them.

by the way, I'm speaking of the people, not the religion, I still think the Faith is pure, but we've got some serious issues among the believers...and I refuse to believe that I am the sole thorn in the side of the Church, but I would like to send a huge "nice try" to all those who tried to make me think I was ;-) *wink*

I don't really have anything else to say right now, so I'm gonna peace out.  Oh btw, it's my birthday tomorrow so wish me luck and pray I don't end up in the ER haha


  1. Prayers Christopher! And Happy Birthday! Again, I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. It just sounds like an incredibly heavy cross. I know I can't even begin to imagine what you're struggling with, but you have my prayers!

    Since it sounds like a major struggle right now is there any chance that you can go to another parish for a while (or permanently)? Obviously if you live so close it would be less convenient, but just so that you get to be with our Lord on Sunday and receive him? Without the sacraments struggling against any temptation is so much more difficult and while we Catholics certainly do have our shortcomings I pray that the shortcomings and lack of charity in others won't keep you from the God that you love.

    Does it help to know that great saints went through periods of spiritual dryness where they didn't feel anything spiritually? They idea has always been terrifying to me since my reversion, but at the same time I try to keep in mind that often times it's not about how we feel, but about what we do.

    I've struggled a lot this last year with disillusionment with the idea of community. We moved across the country thinking we were headed towards this great bastion of Catholicism and the reality has fallen far short of the expectation. I've been very angry about the reality when I compare it in my head to the dream of a wonderful, loving Catholic community. But lately I've started to come to terms with the fact that the only person I can change here is myself. Other people can be unfriendly and cold, and I can't help that, but I can control to how I respond and how I let the situation change me. And maybe (and this is totally idealistic and unlikely) the situation will change a little bit for future students moving here, if I can be more welcoming than others were when we arrived.

    I hope you find some peace in prayer and solace in receiving the sacraments again soon. And I hope you have a Happy Birthday (and don't end up in the ER :0P ).

  2. Thanks Cammie, and yes I kinda just want to switch parishes for a while (and really wish I could hear back from my spiritual director lol), you make a good point about the Saints going through spiritual dryness, I've read that a lot. In my case, this happens all the time, it's almost cyclical: I'm really motivated, I get tired, but keep going, I give up because I'm gaining not much.

    That must have been really disappointing and I would have been upset too, and that's really good that you're able to change your mindset that's kinda what I'm trying to do too it's just taking some time. You just have a generally positive attitude, it's refreshing =)

    Anyways, thank you so much for this comment and the advice =) and I'm sure I'll be fine tonight haha I was kinda exaggerating (I'm not a heavy drinker).

  3. Chris, its when you dont feel like going to Church and praying that you get the most benefit from doing those things. When its not a struggle there isn't as much grace in it. Its when you're resisting a temptation that you really grow.

    Also, you're focusing too much on the sins of others -- how much they might be judging you, etc. See only your own sins. St. Paul called himself the first among sinners - can you say that about yourself honestly? If not, you know you've got some work to do. Also, consider that your appearance in Mass is a cause of stumbling for your Catholic brethren, and that is creating a barrier between you and them. St. Paul was willing to never eat meat again if it would keep his brethren from being scandalized. Pray about all this.

  4. (2 posts)

    you are likely right where you said this - "they just seem so fake and stuck up OF and EF alike"
    but that is the whole world my friend, not just Catholics, and in the more traditional churches, you get what one good priest i met called "proud peacocks" and "pharisees" and although it's certainly not all Catholics, since there are many i'm sure you have never spoken with, but regardless of that, whether they were in a traditional parish, or not, or whether they were Catholic or not, they would find something to be proud and stuck up about, it's not what they do or where they are, but just what they are prone or weak to, and perhaps they don't see it in themselves, or maybe they do see it and struggle very much to overcome it...we can't look at anyone as if they are a burden on us, because they may likely have bigger problems we're not aware of, or perhaps bigger hearts...but it's never good to think of others that way, because in all honestly, all those who enter our lives are placed there by God, either to help us, or for us to help them, and that can be spiritually, mentally, or physically...but either way, when approaching the spiritual life, it needs to be in imitation of Christ, Who told us to love our neighbors as ourselves, so you must think, although you do not like how someone treats you or acts around you, what are you to others? not meaning in a worldly view of things, but how do you effect others spiritually? one of our goals in life should be, that when others see us, they see Christ in us, and that when God looks upon us, He sees a reflection of Himself...the meaning of life is to know, love, and serve God, and to most that seems like a tiresome and boring life...but to those who actually succeeded in living for God alone, they discovered true peace and joy, because despite their physical, mental, and social sufferings, they had all they desired and everything they needed in God...after all, what is there to fear in life when all you care about is loving God? no one can take Him from you, no one can make Him stop loving you, and the only thing to fear really is to displease Him, not because you fear Him, but because you do not want to hurt Him, Who loves you so much...but to get to my point, our goal with others should always be to help get them to heaven...although it is really only God who converts others and saves their souls, but He still needs our "yes" in order to work through us,

    you said here - "Things just seem so appealing in the lives of my peers here at school (they don't have to worry about religion and what not) and I'm starting to wonder if I'm depriving myself of a good life and good times for nothing or to get the approval of people who probably more or less don't really care "
    first of all, you should not worry about seeking anyone's approval except God's, because more often than not, people will disappoint you, that's just how it is, we all disappoint each other now and then, some more often than others, it's unavoidable, and shouldn't be given more thought than it's worth, and not to mention, what is the approval of man worth? will man get you into heaven? or will He love you as selflessly as God does? no one can love you as God does, and no ones approval means more than His, and you are doing yourself a world of hurt by putting any importance on the approval of others, it's a torture you're better off detaching yourself from,
    very often others will think of people or things in their life as the source of pain or the impediment of their spiritual(or worldly) progress, but in reality, the source of their grief is their own selves, for example, St. Philip Neri tells us - 'The true medicine to cure us of pride, is to keep down and thwart touchiness of mind.'

    (continued in next post)

  5. (2nd post)

    and why do you think that those who don't bother with religion are more happy or carefree? as the saying goes "don't judge a book by it's cover"? they may look happier, but believe me, i've been there, they are not.
    and have you seen the suicide rate lately? and how many people are on depression pills? or drugs? or how many drink their sorrows away? etc. etc....they are not better off by any means, they may enjoy themselves, very often in ways that are gravely wrong, but it is only temporary, and it won't mean anything to them when they die...it will only be a constant source of torment for them, unless they amend their lives and turn to God...
    their lives may seem more appealing to you, but it is truly an illusion, you won't find yourself with less troubles, but only more than before, because in that way of life, you don't have God to lean on, and help to carry your cross...

    i think the problem here is not who is around you or what others say or do to you, but only the importance you put on those things, you are a slave to the meaningless opinions and approval of others, and the only way to break free from that slavery is to seek Gods help...which again, you do by prayer, frequenting the sacraments, practicing the virtues, preforming penances and mortification, and reading regularly good Catholic literature, especially the writings and lives of the saints...of course it's a process which will not happen all at once, it takes time, and likewise patience...so don't be anxious, all that really matters in this life is that you try your best according to the teachings of Christ(which He gives of through His church) and even if you don't succeed in being as holy as the saints, that doesn't matter, don't have an "all or nothing" attitude, but just reach for perfection without setting limits...God doesn't expect us to be perfect, but just to try our best, so don't worry.

    and one last thing, do not put so much importance on feelings either, do not decide "i will not go to church" or "i will not pray right now" simply because of how you feel, love is in the will, and no matter how you feel, you can still love simply by doing what is right,
    and this is also how God tests us, not for His own sake, but for ours, to let us see ourselves as we really are, to let us see whether we actually love Him, or if we only love the feelings and consolations He gives us...
    when He does take them away though , that is when we gain the most merit from our prays and works and sufferings,
    but whenever i am feeling dry in spirit, or when i am upset because something has been taken from me, i recall a lovely little poem, which always seems to pick me up, which goes "What i took from thee, i took not for thy harm, but so you would seek it in my arms"..i forget who wrote it, but when i think of it, i imagine Jesus saying it to me, and that always seems to help...

    well, sorry for writing so much, but i hope it helps, and feel free to ask me anything at all, take care.

  6. @Jckstraw72 thanks for all the advice and information and I know in theory that we do gain more graces from doing things we do not want to do when they're the right thing, but it's just about finding the strength now I'm embarrassed to go into church dressed in a way that I am not used to dressing and with my head uncovered (not just my church, but any church or prayer). I've been thinking about it though.

    @Emmy, wow you read me like a book and I'm impressed! You're blunt and tell the straight truth, but with compassion and encouragement too, I like it =) and I'm not quite sure how I got trapped in this mindset of "it's so important what others think of me," but I'm guessing it has to do with the fact that I was rejected for so long until I started "being myself" and it felt good and I felt better about myself. I was motivated to be a good Catholic, a good student, a family oriented person and experienced friendships (not all of them alsted, but oh well). I feel like I've prayed about that but never really got anywhere with it, I just want so much what others have that I forget to see what I do have and be grateful for it.

  7. "I'll never be able to be the Catholic that I want to be or that I'm supposed to be."

    But God loves you as you are, right now. You've heard it a million times, but it's worth repeating. God will never reject you.

  8. Christopher,
    I just wanted you to know that I have really missed seeing you at Mass lately. You are an inspiration to me. You are faced with such incredible struggles and trials, yet you constantly strive to know the teachings of the Church and to seek the Lord's will for your life. You are so strong. I hope to see you soon. I'm praying for you and I love you! And can I just say, you get some amazing advice on this blog!
    In Christ's Love,
    Melissa Foote