So I'm basically back to total indifference about religion and the Church and stuff. Not totally indifferent, but there's just too much distance between me and the Church at the moment that I'm just like ugh it's not worth it. Funny, because the church is right next door to me lol.
Anyways, I know I should pray and read the Scriptures and go visit the church and stuff, but there's just no allure or appeal at the moment and I'm feeling very not religious, almost to the point where I don't want to see anyone from church or hear about it or think about it because for some reason, I'm just really angry and this is not what I want. Total 180 from a couple weeks ago.
I know most of this stems from pride and from anger because I'll never be able to be the Catholic that I want to be or that I'm supposed to be, but whatever. Things just seem so appealing in the lives of my peers here at school (they don't have to worry about religion and what not) and I'm starting to wonder if I'm depriving myself of a good life and good times for nothing or to get the approval of people who probably more or less don't really care lol. Ha...
Didn't go to Sunday Mass yesterday because I can't face all those people nor do I even wanna be in there and have that uncomfortable feeling like everyone is staring at me asking themselves questions like they don't have sins either and like they're just so much better than I am, yaaaa totally dude.
Not to brag, but I'm sure I put more "umph" into being Catholic in spite of my flaws than a good 95% of people in there so how dare they stick their nose up at me.
I figured it out though, I want worship alone: me, a priest, and God because then I wouldn't be beaten with the thoughts and realizations of how different I am from everyone yayy!!! Wooohooo!!! Losers unite!
To be honest, another reason I really do not want to go to church anymore is because I actually really don't even like most other Catholics very much. I mean, I know it sounds awful, but it's true; I can't stand being around most of them because they just seem so fake and stuck up OF and EF alike. And being around them, like just being in the same room, actually makes me feel really really bad about myself because I know that in their eyes, I will always be a fag and regardless of how passionate I am about the Church and her history and no matter how much I cultivate my spiritual life, most of them won't be impressed that I could probably teach a grad school course on Theology. I've tried to impress them, epic fail. Some people are not accepted by their families. But it won't sound as bad once I admit that most of them can't stand me either so we're even, but it's me versus all of them so I have a little more weight to carry. *smile*
There are some Catholics who really love me and care about me and do genuinely want my spiritual well-being and they will always be my brothers and sisters in Christ and friends and family to me and I love them.
by the way, I'm speaking of the people, not the religion, I still think the Faith is pure, but we've got some serious issues among the believers...and I refuse to believe that I am the sole thorn in the side of the Church, but I would like to send a huge "nice try" to all those who tried to make me think I was ;-) *wink*
I don't really have anything else to say right now, so I'm gonna peace out. Oh btw, it's my birthday tomorrow so wish me luck and pray I don't end up in the ER haha