Holy Mass Dilemma: Ordinary Form or Extraordinary Form?

Am I allowed to enjoy anything? 

I've been thinking.  So, I've decided a couple weeks ago that for the Seasons of Septuagesima and Quadragesima (Lent), I would try to attend Sunday Mass in the Extraordinary Form in Pittsburgh.  Multiple reasons.  The Extraordinary Form of the Roman Rite fosters and caters to my spirituality much more than does the Ordinary Form.  Being in God's Presence for worship is a very solemn occasion and the atmosphere and "feel" of the Liturgy is very conducive to prayer and meditation.  It's frustrating wondering when the next time I'll be able to go to Latin Mass will be.

There are a few problems standing in the way.  Gas is pretty expensive and the church is a good hour and 20 minute drive from my place.  The roads are awful right now.  Money is very tight, but I have been looking forward to Sexagesima Sunday all week.  I don't want everything to go to waste really.  I should also say that there is a Catholic church next door to me [that I don't hate; I enjoy it sometimes], but it's difficult having to constantly adapt my spirituality and relationship to the Mass on Sundays.  During the week, Mass is fine there, easier to concentrate and pray.

Why would God give me such a desire and thirst to worship Him with the Extraordinary Form, but then place so much distance between it and me?  It's tantalizing.  I'm not unreasonably far away from it, yet I don't go more often.  There is a closer EF in another diocese, but I've stopped going to that church for social reasons.  It was starting to be an occasion of sin for me because I would often leave extremely upset.  I miss that church though because the priest is the best predicator I know.  He's such a man of God and so holy.  He's tough, but that's what souls need.  I always feel blessed just being around him.  Not to mention, the church is gorgeous... 

I usually went to Pittsburgh for the high holy days like the Solemnities of the Nativity and Resurrection of Our Lord.  It's a larger community and I'll be able to blend in more and it'll be a fresh start.  I won't have to talk to anyone and I can pick a corner and be in my own little meditative, prayerful world.  Me and God.  No one knows me.  I don't know them.  I don't have to have the anxiety of making a good impression or not because after I'm done with my Thanksgiving After Mass, I'll be leaving. 

Since I'm Black and gay, like I said in a former post, I do naturally feel uncomfortable and "different" but I try to pray those feelings away and tell myself that I am bought with a price (First Epistle of the St. Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians VII, 23) and have every right to be there.  They can't really kick anyone out of church unless they're being disrespectful can they? 

It's hard not to wonder what people think of me there.  I'd rather not know honestly.  That's the other thing I wonder, why would God allow me to struggle with homosexuality and gender identity and race and then give me such a thirst for Him and be drawn to a way of worship that is like the antithesis of all those things, traditional Catholicism? 

This is just putting tremendous amounts of stress on me.  I feel like because I want to go to the Extraordinary Form so badly, I'm being unreasonable and really should just go to Holy Mass next door if I really do not disdain the Ordinary Form like I say I don't.  It's not that I hate going to St. Thomas More, it's just I really wanted to do this and experience Septuagesima kinda sorta (I'd need the breviary and what not to really get the whole dose of it).

Which would be more sanctifying do you think:  Go to Latin Mass? or go to Mass next door and offer it up?

Is Latin Mass really "better"???

A beautiful thought came to me today while discussing Holy Mass with my best friend.  We assisted together this evening for daily Mass and when we got home, he said he really noticed the difference between the Ordinary Form and the Extraordinary Form.  We celebrated Mass in the cry room of the church as there is construction going on in the nave/sanctuary.

He's not Roman Catholic, but he is struggling to try to believe in something (God bless him), and he said he sees why I prefer "Latin Mass" to "that Mass." 

But I told him that I have made some progress in the past couple years.  Realizing how harmful my disdain for the post-Vatican II Liturgy was to my spiritual well-being, I prayed to the Sacred Heart of Jesus (continually) that He help me love the Holy Sacrifice and have great reverence for it regardless of the Form or Rite as long as it is validly (and legally) offered. 

The essence of the Faith is that Christ, the Son of God and our Redeemer, becomes truly present in the Blessed Sacrament through the invocation of the Holy Ghost by the priest, the minister of God and of His Mysteries.  Period.  THIS is Catholicism in its perfect form and this has been a constant since the days of the Holy Apostles.

The Liturgy has organically developed and the solemnity to draw attention to the reality of our Faith and relationship with God has become greater over time (although has greatly diminished [in terms of solemnity] over the past half-century.  But still, the reality is the same regardless of peoples' attitudes toward it:  Christ becomes truly present, Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity, in the Most Holy Sacrament of the Altar and He always deserves my utmost devotion and adoration (latria).

Regardless of what is going on around me, when I am assisting at Holy Mass worshipping God, I try to keep my mind focused primarily on

• Adoring the Blessed Trinity as my sovereign God and realizing the Jesus Christ is soon to offer Himself yet again to the Father and that praise is always becoming Him.
• Thanksgiving for any and all blessings and the right we have to stand before Him in worship because of His infinite goodness.
• Reparation for my many sins and offenses and for being the reason that He had to die, and to satisfy for my shortcomings.
• Begging His Grace to assist me in all things (Domine, exaudi orationem mean) and even if He only grants me one or two Graces, that's fine, although I would rather get as many as possible, but I may not always be properly disposed to receive them.
• Besides those four main things, any other intentions I have for offering Mass.

This I strive to do regardless of anything that may displease me that is circumstantial:  irreverent music, indifferent priest, irreverent atmosphere, adding things to the rubrics, applause, mean judgmental people, etc.  I am at Holy Mass to worship GOD and to be with Him and although I would love to assist at the Extraordinary Form exclusively, that is not currently possible, but I am grateful that I live close to two Catholic churches and Holy Mass is offered basically everyday.  Sure, there are some things that could be done to add to the solemnity, but any and every valid, legal Mass is infinitely pleasing to God.

Latin Mass (Extraodinary Form) is not better than Mass in the vernacular (Ordinary Fom), Sunday Mass is not more Grace-giving that weekday Mass (although the former IS obligatory while the latter is recommended), abuses do not necessarily mean the Mass is invalid (but it does depend on the abuse...), God is not more pleased with one than the other (both can be reverent; both can be disastrous), etc.

The words of Consecration MUST be said by a priest for the Mass to be said and the Holy Gospel must be read as well.  There MUST be a validly ordained priest who has use of his priestly faculties.  The Hosts must be wheat and unleavended.  The Wine must be made of grapes. 

Other than that, no other abuses really cause Christ to not be present, Grace can still be gained, although NO ABUSE should ever be encouraged or tolerated and we should always strive for piety and solemnity. 

In the past, I would have been beside myself to have Mass in locations such as the cry room or basement of a church or in hotels, etc.  But where did our forefathers in the Faith worship?  In tombs.  The externals should testify to the internals of the Liturgy, but sometimes factors arise that make that impossible.  Honestly, I was glad to be able to "fulfill my obligation to [God].(Canon of the Mass, Extraordinary Form)" and it didn't matter where.

That Christ becomes truly and physically present in the Blessed Sacrament is the essence of Roman Catholicism.