Taking Off the Veil/Stopping Cross-dressing

So I recently made a resolution to stop wearing feminine clothing and I'm kinda regretting it.

My parents had both called me expressing their concern and trying to be supportive, but I could hear the pain in their voices (both had called on different occasions) and I explained things to them and basically told them that I had to do what was right and comfortable for me, and that I was sorry.

After the fact, I had started thinking about how much I love them and how much I do want their approval, and if that I didn't want anything to get into the way of my love for them, so I sent them a pretty lengthy e-mail in which I told them that I would no longer be wearing feminine clothing out of love for them and because they really mean a lot to me and it seems like it's the right thing and that my problems with gender aren't an excuse to sin.

Woman in prayer with a mantilla

It was one thing to say it and I felt a burden lifted off my shoulders, but it was another thing to actually do it.  I included the mantilla (chapel veil) and hijab in this resolution because technically they are pieces of feminine clothing.

Walking outside and being in public uncovered was very difficult and I felt so awkward and could feel the disapproval of others (even at church) but I kept trying to tell myself that I love my parents and that this would make them happy and with all that they have to deal with, at least they can have peace knowing that I'm being more like God wants me to be.  I figured it would take time to adjust and that I would be fine.  I felt very impious and impure without the hijab, it had been my protection from strong lustful thoughts and to remind myself to submit to God and to be holy and not to be exposed to the world, but to practice humility and curving the desire to be seen (which covering my head full time has immensely helped with) and then yesterday it hit me and even today a little...

I went to church to pray a Rosary for priests and for the Bishop of my diocese and to offer prayers for an increase in vocations of holy, orthodox men and women to either the priesthood or consecrated life when entering the nave of the church, I felt this huge awkwardness...  I didn't feel right, I didn't feel like I should be in there and I was trying to just repeat to myself "Christopher, you're obeying God and you're conforming to society; you're doing the right thing.  Relax, relax!" but it just kept getting worse to when I tried to kneel down and pray and struggled slowly through a Pater (the Lord's Prayer) and an Ave (the Angelic Salutation to the Virgin) and just was burning with this feeling like something wasn't right and then it really got deep when someone else came into the church because we thought there would be Mass and upon hearing them, my natural impulse to cover made me throw my hand on my head and then I tried to as inconspicuously as possible get the heck outta there.  Almost had a slight panic attack, but calmed down at which point I had talked to a friend of mine who offered some support and encouragement and posed the dreaded question of why I wasn't covered...  And it was hard to give the answer, but I did tell her.  She didn't agree with my reasoning and encouraged me to reconsider and I really felt even more guilty as I always do when people tell me how my piety has encouraged and helped theirs.  I had a huge headache.

I haven't told my spiritual director yet, although he wouldn't mind either way, even though I've been trying to meet with him but he's so busy and I have like no one to really turn to, so yet again, I feel like I'm struggling alone.  But it's not true, I know a lot of people are praying for me even if they don't know what I'm going through.

I'm upset that everything that the veil and hijab have done for me seems to have gone to naught.  I was trying so hard to be pious in front of the Blessed Sacrament in church that day when I was about to pray the Rosary, but it was like I couldn't grasp the reality anymore of this central Mystery of the Catholic Faith.  I wanted to be humble and I just didn't feel like I could be, it turned into fear and like I was not showing honor and devotion to God that is due Him, maybe I'm just very sensitive right now because of these changes I'm going through.

As for the hijab, I feel like purity is no longer guarded and that I'm just all out there for the world to see even though my 'guy' clothes, like my girl clothes, are very covering.  I haven't worn shorts in about 8 years and I usually do not wear short sleeves (especially not to church), and I was covered, but I still felt the struggle like I was grasping for purity and then all these thoughts of lust started to come over me again and I went into despair and again I felt isolated from the Sacraments and am having a hard time forcing myself to go to Confession tomorrow.

Another thing I've noticed is now I have a desire to wear shorts and short sleeves out in public in hopes that it will make me seem more attractive to others instead of it just being a thought in the back of my mind.  I feel so vain lately and again want to be seen and am struggling to humble myself in church as well as outside of church.

I want so badly just to cover again, but my parents, I can't let them down and I feel like in terms of the Holy Scripture I'm doing the right thing but why am I not getting Actual Grace from it and I hate that I'm going back to how I was before I started covering and am afraid there's going to be a long stretch of me not going to the Sacraments and wallowing in despair or indifference.  I don't want that, but I don't know what to do right now.  I know my decision has upset a lot of people and probably will upset more people and especially after meeting my Bishop again the other day and after the Pontifical Mass, having that lady come up to me and tell me how beautiful the mantilla was (although that has nothing to do with it), and that she felt called to cover and that she'd been praying on it and that she's hoping to find the strength to do so and thanked me and I told her I would pray and shared my experiences with her about how it deepened my spiritual life so much.  I don't know what to say to these priests who see me reguarly, I just don't know.

As for non religious things, I've been getting some very weird and awkward looks from people now and my one teacher was acting funny towards to me and some of the kids in my calc class were a little rude to me after I had removed the veil (although these were guys that you would think would have been glad because they're the jock/preppy cool rich kid types...) and also a couple people didn't really recognize me and made it awkward in public when they asked why I wasn't covered anymore and I just felt put on the spot and in a little malice, I'm so tempted to just e-mail my parents and be like "thanks..." but I won't because I know Mommy has great intentions and Pop doesn't really care either way, he just said he kinda feels embarrassed about it, but it's my choice, I am grown, and that they both love me so much and I love them, but I'm trying to tell myself if God went through ridicule for doing the right thing, then who am I to think I should not?  I don't really know what to tell people and it's just embarrassing with them asking me and looking at me weird, I don't know, but I'm not going to Stations of the Cross this evening because I just can't be in church right now, but I'm still planning on going to Sunday Mass, maybe I'll sit in the cry room or the nave, I don't know exactly how I'm going to tackle this, but I'll figure something out.  I'm definitely not going to receive Holy Communion until I talk to my priest or to my spiritual director.  Please pray for me everyone.

lastly, I do want to mention that these are personal experiences that I have had with covering and I am not implying in any way that any woman who does not cover either in church or otherwise is being impious or impure.  The mantilla and hijab were ways for ME to help overcome sinful passions and to bring me closer to God, a devotion just like everyone has his or her own way of showing piety and devotion.  The Church does NOT obligate women to cover and a woman CAN be a great Catholic and holy woman without.  Some feel called to covering and others do not.  I've read a lot of commentary on the First Epistle of St. Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians and although some see it as a universal law of church and social conduct in prayer, the Church does not say this anymore (although it very well used to be a requirement).

This is just overwhelming, I'm having all these seconds thoughts, I was so confident at first, but then it hit when I went to pray before the Blessed Sacrament.  Satan works in some weird ways.

Please pray and any feedback is appreciated (even though I know a lot of you don't usually comment, but I could use some advice/discussion).

The Confessio of St. Patrick of Ireland

Today is the feast of the glorious St. Patrick of Ireland, and also my patronal feast day (or Name Day).  I try to spend my Name Days by making acts of honor and devotion to my patrons.  I started the day off with offering Holy Mass for the honor of St. Patrick of Ireland.


On the wall of a good friend (for whom today is also a Name Day), I found the following link:


The Confessio of St. Patrick of Ireland


I just finished reading it and wanted to point a few things about this Apostle to the pagans of Ireland.  He opens his letter by identifying himself as a sinner, the very first thing he mentions about himself.  How many Saints do we see that bewail and descry their sinfulness and identify as being worse of sinners, yet were so holy that the Church declares them Saints?  If these people saw themselves as sinners in spite of the virtue they showed throughout their lives, how much more should we see ourselves as sinners?  


These words of St. Patrick of Ireland are so full of humility and joy in the Lord, it's comforting.  He speaks of his lowliness being born poor and taken into slavery and the many trials of his life.  In humility, he speaks of how he rightfully suffered on account of his sinfulness:


"My name is Patrick. I am a sinner, a simple country person, and the least of all believers. I am looked down upon by many...  ...At that time, I did not know the true God. I was taken into captivity in Ireland, along with thousands of others. We deserved this, because we had gone away from God, and did not keep his commandments. We would not listen to our priests, who advised us about how we could be saved. The Lord brought his strong anger upon us, and scattered us among many nations even to the ends of the earth. It was among foreigners that it was seen how little I was."

One of the strongest paragraphs of his letter is the following:

"This is because there is no other God, nor will there ever be, nor was there ever, except God the Father. He is the one who was not begotten, the one without a beginning, the one from whom all beginnings come, the one who holds all things in being – this is our teaching. And his son, Jesus Christ, whom we testify has always been, since before the beginning of this age, with the father in a spiritual way. He was begotten in an indescribable way before every beginning. Everything we can see, and everything beyond our sight, was made through him. He became a human being; and, having overcome death, was welcomed to the heavens to the Father. The Father gave him all power over every being, both heavenly and earthly and beneath the earth. Let every tongue confess that Jesus Christ, in whom we believe and whom we await to come back to us in the near future, is Lord and God. He is judge of the living and of the dead; he rewards every person according to their deeds. He has generously poured on us the Holy Spirit, the gift and promise of immortality, who makes believers and those who listen to be children of God and co-heirs with Christ. This is the one we acknowledge and adore – one God in a trinity of the sacred name."

What a beautiful and profound exclamation of the Mystery of the Triune God!  All the Truths of the Holy Catholic Church of Jesus Christ proceed from the knowledge of the Blessed Trinity and St. Patrick of Ireland enthusiastically and faithfully delivered this Gospel to the pagans and heathens of Ireland.  Our salvation has its origin the knowledge of the Godhead and belief in the unity of the Three Divine Persons, and because we are members of Christ's Body, the Church, we are incorporated through the Sacrament of Baptism into the Life of this Godhead.

St. Patrick of Ireland

This Confessio also serves as a brief autobiography in parts, but overall it is a hymn to the greatness and glory of God.  We should all strive to imitate the holy Patrick of Ireland, who placed full trust in the Lord our God.  His faith was strong and firm, and his witness fruitful.  He performed many miracles in the sight of many and converted a whole nation to Christianity.  It was Pope St. Celestine I who sent St. Patrick to Ireland to bring those there to Christ and the Saint was faithful to his mission.  He was fearless and courageous and even though his life was threatened countless times and he was held captive and prisoner, he did not flinch or give up.

The great thing is that he attributes none of the wonderful things God did through him to himself.  He gives all credit and honor to God Who is the Author of all.  St. Patrick saw nothing that he did as being great in the Eyes of God, but only saw it as being obedient to what he was called to do.  In spite of his simplicity and ignorance (in the world's standards), he knew Holy Scripture very well (evident in his Confessio) and had great knowledge of the Church Fathers.  He may have been ignorant to the world, but he thrived in the wisdom of God.

He was a bishop, therefore a Successor of the Holy Apostles and a defender of the Faith, as well as one to whom God, through the Church, gave charge over the souls of many under his flock.  Bishops are our shepherds and are responsible for our spiritual well-being and possess the fullness of the priesthood.  I pray that our bishops stay mindful of this as they make decisions in their sees (dioceses) and always look out for the best interest of us, the faithful.

I am so glad that I chose him as one of my patrons whose name I bear since my reception of the Sacrament of Confirmation where I received the Seven Gifts of the Holy Ghost and completed my baptismal initiation into Christ's Church.  I pray that St. Patrick of Ireland help me to follow his example in piety and courage, and that through his intercession, I have the same zeal for the Faith that he had.  As of yet, I have not been successful in converting anyone to Catholicism, guess I'll keep trying...

Later in the day I'll be offering some prayers to the Saint to more greatly honor him on this day and my prayers particularly go out for the Irish people everywhere they may be, for the well-being both spiritual and temporal of their country, and for all those stricken by snake bites.

St. Patrick of Ireland, pray for us!

Click here for more information on St. Patrick of Ireland

I want to fight harder, train harder, excel in piety

"But with many of them God was not well pleased."  --First Epistle of St. Paul the Apostle X, 5

This is how Father began his sermon today (which was very powerful and moving to say the least).  He told us how our Church is being attacked and tormented by society as Catholic institutions are soon being obligated to offer contraceptives and stuff like that.  These things clearly are against the Church and are insulting the our Lord's institution of the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony and the privilege He has given to some to be able to reproduce human life and bring souls into the world to be saved by God.

Are we going to stand up and fight or are we going to remain on the fence, mouths shut, and act like it's not that big of a deal?  When will us American Catholics rally together and be the Church Militant?  I feel like the doctrine of the Communion of the Saints has been forgotten.  I'm trying to figure out what I can do personally to join in this fight.  I've been praying, of course.  I have been speaking of the issue here and there.  But Father did recommend fasting and the Rosary and other acts of penance.

"Know you not that they that run in the race, all run indeed, but one receiveth the prize? So run that you may obtain.  And every one that striveth for the mastery, refraineth himself from all things: and they indeed that they may receive a corruptible crown; but we an incorruptible one." 
--First Epistle of St. Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians, IX, 24, 25

I go in extremes with my spiritual life and fighting for the prize of salvation and eternal life:  either I'm being extremely hardcore and devout and constantly nurturing my spiritual life, or I'm not trying at all because I get discouraged and get the feeling that I'm not making progress.  Because most of my friends are not believers, it's easy for me to find the lives they lead appealing...who wants to be lonely after all, right?  Moreover, it gets exhausting having to constantly defend the Church against their indifference and sometimes hatred of her.

Part of me feels like maybe they aren't the friends that I need if I am so easily tempted to go against my beliefs because of them, but the other part of me feels like they would never come into contact with the Holy Gospel except through being around me.  Yes, that sounds very prideful, and I feel bad for seeming that way, but I don't want any souls lost and I don't want to give up on souls in need.

But maybe it is possible, with the Grace of God, to persevere in His service and do His will even with them as friends and if I got strong enough, my example may help them to come to Him? 

Anyways, I want the grace of perseverence.  I want to be holy all the time and ideally I would like to cast aside my wants and those things that are pleasing to me, and only desire what God desires.  St. Paul the Apostle tells us in the Epistle of this Sunday that athletes train hard and with dedication to receive their corruptible and passing prizes (that really only mean anything here and now) if they're serious, but that our prize is eternal and incorrptible and that it is our duty and obligation to take it seriously. 

But really, how am I training?  What am I doing to make sure that I obtain the prize?  There is no doubt in my mind that our Prize is more worthwhile and valuable than any earthly, temporal trophy or reward, but do I treat it as such?  Maybe I just am not quite sure how to train...  Like I said, I pray, meditate, try to do good works out of love for God and in reparation for my sins and in thanksgiving for His blessings! but I don't feel changed really.  Between myself and other Catholics, I feel like I'm so much worse a Catholic than they are and like I can't do anythingabout it. 

St. Paul the Apostle says that he "brings his flesh into submission," but how?  What exactly does that mean?  There are so many things to correct and that come between the Lord and myself that I have no idea where to begin.  Yes, the Sacrament of Penance, I knowww, although I want to make sure that I am really ready so that I do not commit sacrilege to that instrument of God's Grace.

The Holy Gospel of this Sunday touched on envy a little (Parable of the Owner of the Vineyard), and I get very envious of other Catholics because they receive Holy Communion, they seem to be liked by other Catholics, they seem to be good Catholics to others, and I feel like I try hard, but they do not necessarily care (aside from the fact that there is something wrong with my assuming that God's opinion of me is based off of other Catholics' opinions of me...), and I get envious because I feel like I try hard, but who am I to say that they are not trying harder?? 

After reflecting and meditating on this parable and reading what St. John Chrysostom had to say about it, I decided that I should be happy and rejoice that they can receive Holy Communion and that they are in God's friendship and not at enmity with Him!  (A good Catholic would never, ever want anything less than the spiritual good of others, and certainly should not envy it to the point of ill feelings or despair.)

The Tract spoke of waiting on the Lord and crying to Him from the midst of death and distress.  Maybe patience is in order, and God will give me His help in His own time when He sees fit.

"A helper in due time in tribulation:  let them trust in Thee who know Thee:  for Thou hast not forsaken them that seek Thee, O Lord.  For the poor man shall not be forgotten to the end:  the patience of the poor shall not perish for ever:  arise, O Lord, let not man prevail."  --Psalm IX, 10, 11, 19, 20