It's Wrong, but Feels so Right

Spring 2012 semester is soon to come to an end and I cannot say thank God enough...

I need to take this summer to regroup and get myself together before restarting in the fall.  I got my financial aid filled out by the priority deadline and hope that I get a pretty good reward.  I just didn't do well this semester and need to get back to my old academic self.  Since I made so many changes in my life and way of thinking and carrying myself, I think it has left me second-guessing a lot of things.  Adjusting for me is so difficult because I'm such a perfectionist and the Lord did not bless me with the skill of multitasking at all...that is for sure.

For so long I have been concentrating on trying to get others to accept me (and they did, I just didn't appreciate it or realize it), but now I need to learn to accept myself and do things that will help me to achieve that goal without relying on anyone else to make myself love me.  That has been that cliche thing that never really understood how to do; I thought I was accepting myself by just being me, but since I do not really know who I am, hmm...makes that kind of difficult.  To be real, I truly want to find myself and know who I am.  Sometimes I feel like I base myself off of whom I'm around at the time or whatever "reference group" is most appealing at any given moment.  Consistency, my dear friends, that is what I want to achieve.

No, I still haven't gone to Mass yet nor have I really spent any time in prayer except for my usual blessings before meals, prayers for the dead when passing cemeteries, and ejaculations to the Lord when passing churches where He is physically present (I say Dominus meus, et Deus meus (my Lord and my God) when passing churches while crossing myself), and of course invoking the Holy Trinity when getting into a vehicle and at other random times.

The reason that I'm afraid to pray or "practice" the Faith anymore (although in my head I want to) is because I'm afraid things are going to start going to dirt again.  I'm afraid I'm going to be lonely and repulsive to others as I'm really enjoying my social life these days.  I'm afraid I'm going to neglect my studies again at the expense of religion like I have been any time I get really deep into practicing.  I just told my friend the other day while texting her that I get so motivated on some Holy Ghost that I be going full force, but then He leaves me and I'm so exhausted and stuck in the dirt with no ambulance or Water or any help to revive myself.  That's kinda where I feel like I am spiritually.  I'm afraid I'm going to lose all of the guy friends I've been making (you know guys hate religion...how many guys have left comments on this blog?  Two...).  

People say they enjoy me so much more this way, I'm enjoying myself so much more and I'm having so much fun and before it was like fun was few and far between.  The thought of being alone doesn't really scare me anymore and I don't necessarily feel like I need a man to make me feel complete and I feel like I haven't been chasing guys nearly as much.  Sure, I still check them out and notice their fineness, but I don't get depressed wondering whether or not they'll speak to me ever.  

I know, this sounds so messed up.  All the Catholics are reading this and seeing the idolatry clear as day.  Of course worldly things seem appealing and luring and worth it because they can and do feel good, but what will I say to God when I die?  When in all of this am I taking up a cross?  I don't even want to carry one right now because I feel like I've carried one for so long.  Deep down I know that seeking happiness in this life can and most likely will lead to ruin, but I need a break...seriously.  Anyone that knows me intimately will testify to my extreme devotion to the practice of the Faith to the point that it was kind of obsessive.

If there is a way to harmonize these two things (which according to the Holy Scriptures, there isn't), someone please let me know.  I am probably disappointing so many Catholics right now as I'm rejoicing so many heathens.  I can't win.

However, I am happy, and I am having a great day!  I am lamenting my grades, sure, but my stress is low and my motivation to be better the next time is very high.

Alright I think that's enough for right now.

Random Thoughts About My Current Life

In the mood to make another post to just get my thoughts out, not really a theme to this post, but just some ramblings...

For the first time in my entire life, I was did not celebrate liturgically the Solemnity of solemnities, the Feast of the Christian people, the reference point of our holy religion:  the Solemnity of the Resurrection of the Lord.  I don't really feel anything because of it either.  Guilt is there, but at the same time, since I feel worlds away from the Church, kind of like I've been ejected with a mighty force, I'm not really sad...  That is kinda worrisome.  I won't lie, I do miss praying and going to Mass and reflecting on how to be a better Christian, but it's not where I am at the moment.

Right now, I want to just figure things out.  I want to figure out a way to do well in school so I can graduate and at least say I have a degree.  For some reason, I cannot consistently concentrate on work and my grades have gone to Hell in a handbasket.  I want to succeed and make something of myself and do not want to be stuck working as a Crew Member at Burger King for the rest of my life.  How do I get some consistency with studying and excelling?  I know I'm capable of getting great grades; I've gotten all A's before, but something has been going on that has just made this semester push me ten thousand steps back.  I owe this to my family and to myself and to Black people, gays, transgendered persons, and those who are marginalized to show that we can succeed and we can be "better" and make something out of ourselves and that we cannot let society tell us that we can't.

Weight gain has been difficult and I haven't gained much and it's expensive to eat more food, but I need to have this body.  It will be the key to my social success and will make me feel better about my own self knowing that if others reject me, at least it won't be because I'm not physically on par.  I'm sick of being skinny and I'm way past anorexia and do not want to ever go back there.  I have been strong my whole life and physically I can be strong and strapping as well.  There really is no reason for me to have to take a back seat to others when I can be where they are and have the same respect that others give them.  I don't want to be that "awww little cute kid" that girls think I am...  Don't pity me, goodness, ughh.

I really like the new outfits I got for my birthday.  I'm finally wearing shorts again!!!  Why hide these legs when they're one of my best features?  I thought I would loath dressing like a straight guy, but it's actually kind of fun.  Granted, I still like the girl stuff as well and still think it's cute, but I don't really wear those kinds of clothes.  I would like to still wear them, sure, and yes, I feel kind of fake and conceited dressing in this new way, but I figure I'll test the waters for a while to see what happens and if I get the attention I want from people, I'll definitely keep it up.  I look really good in these new clothes and must say that I still have my hand at style, I just need to be able to afford these kinds of clothes on the regular.  It sucks not making enough to buy the clothes you want.

Getting an iPhone 4!!!!  My BlackBerry Storm 2 can take a serious hike because I hate the thing, it's old, beat, cracked screen, and it's not really an "in" phone anymore.  The iPhone is much more popular on college campuses and much more enviable and definitely a hotter phone and the technology on it is killer.  At any rate, it can't be worse than a BlackBerry...  I noticed all the cool and popular kids (if you can call them that) have them and it won't be as embarrassing to use my phone I guess.

Next on my list is to save up for an Xbox 360 and a flat screen and start playing Call of Duty and whatever other games guys play these days.  Those video games really are not my style, but I'm all about trying new things these days and even am about to try to start learning about sports and keeping up to date on the stats of popular players and teams and what not.

This whole makeover is kind of fun and will probably give me the boost I need to keep moving forward and achieve my goals.  I don't have to be a loser anymore or that "weird kid" or whatever.  None of that really pays off anyways.  Being nice and a pushover all the time really was getting me nowhere and it was making people take advantage of me which is going to stop.  I'm not a door mat, nor am I someone who doesn't have feelings and wishes and I don't need to be treated like utter crap because I'm different.  I have just as much a right to be in this world as anyone else and I don't need to take bs for it.  I am a strong person and I will succeed and I will be better.

All those who tried to keep me down, discourage me, tell me I wasn't good enough or that I couldn't do it are going to see that I will make room for myself.  If you don't like me, that's not my problem anymore.  I spent too long hurting myself and feeling guilty trying to make those people happy and just led to rejection after rejection, well now it's time for me to stand up and accept myself (with a few nuances...you should always please the customer if they're willing to pay).

God put me on this Earth for a reason and I am going to discover what that reason is.  I need to stay positive and encourage myself even when others will not (although I greatly appreciate the encouragement I do/did get).  I shouldn't settle for anything less than what I want and what I know I am capable of having.

It seems like a lot of people were all too happy to show me the door (figuratively speaking) out of the Church and criticize my every move and never fail to let me know in roundabout ways how much of a freaking heathen they thought I was.... I also would like to point out how hard I did try to get traditional Catholics to accept me and put myself through a lot and denied myself a lot to try to get their approval, but they ALWAYS had something to say, always...  Never looking at any other Catholics' flaws, but just mine.  It's exhausting, I can only try so hard, I can only fail so much until I try something different so now I am.

Yes, I have been receiving e-mails and messages from people telling me that they do miss me at church and are still praying for me and are hoping I come back and what not, but I still have trads screaming in my ears and before my eyes.  When I think of Catholicism, I think of those people that did everything they could to try to keep me away from the Church and feeling isolated.  I'm having a hard time thinking of those kind and holy souls that did so much to try and help me stay in (the screams are louder than the rubs on the back).  It sucks, because I want to reach out to those people and tell them how much I appreciated all they did for me.  I still think the Latin Mass is a beautiful gem of the Church and a holy expression of our Faith and worship, but the people that attend...  There's still a lot of pent up anger that I'm trying to drain out (and once it's out I'm  hoping I'll be able to have the humility to go back to church), but my best friend is telling me how much funner I am as a "non religious" person.  It makes me mad when he says that, but oh well.  He doesn't change his mind either.

Alright, that's enough for now.  My racing thoughts are all over the place and I could write ten more pages, but I'll let you ponder that.  I'll ponder it myself.  I am happier these days.  I don't know.  Class at 8 AM.

Hope everyone had a great Easter and will have a blessed Easter Season.

PS:  I'm STILL waiting to hear from my spiritual director, if he doesn't answer me soon, then I'm done with that.

Bodybuilding and Crossing My Fingers

Just checking in with everyone, and once again thanks for all the uplifting comments and the encouragement and support.  It means a lot and it shows that people really do care.  I appreciate it.

I still haven't been going to church or praying because every time I get the urge, I have the natural impulse to veil and try to show humility, and since I haven't figured out a good way to internally or externally show humility and piety, I just haven't been doing anything.  Not to mention how foreign it all feels.  I can't believe it's Holy Week!  I did continue to observe Friday abstinence and I still bless my food before meals and cross myself when passing churches or cemeteries and bow my head at the Holy Name.

Since I can't really practice Catholicism for now, I've turned my attention to trying to better myself as a person and in my dealings with society.  If I have drop the whole 'woman' thing, then I guess I may as well do the 'man' thing up.  So, I'm trying to get back into weight training and have been living on www.bodybuilding.com lately.  I updated my body space profile and put in some goals that I'll share with you all as well.

I want to bulk up to at least 125 lbs to start and increase my bench press by 10 lbs, deadlift by 15 lbs, squat by 20 lbs, bent-over barbell row by 5 lbs, and I'm not sure about the overhead press yet, but I'll figure that out tonight when I train.  I've always kinda watched my weight and have been afraid to gain weight for fear of looking too masculine and burly, but now I'm trying to put that aside and try a more model look.

My protein powder arrived today.  Optimum's 100% Soy Protein (I'm lactose intolerant, so whey wouldn't be good...) and I'm going to be ordering Creatine and Nitric Oxide as pre/post-training supplements and trying to increase my calorie intake.

My prayer (kinda literally) is that this helps me to accept myself more and helps me to not be looked down upon by others.  When I would practice religion, somehow I could deal (in a way) with societal rejection (thinking about the Passion of the Lord, the isolation and persecution of the Saints, etc.) but now it's like I have nothing so it's like I need to give myself this.  I really wanted this for a while.  I've always wanted to be considered attractive and cool and not be on the bottom rungs of society (where it seemed like only my mom still thought I was great lol).

I've been focusing on compound lifts since I started taking this seriously last year.  Bench presses, dead lifts, squats, rows, overhead presses, etc. to help gain mass and size and then once I get more solid and advanced in this, I may start working on isolation movements (individual body parts).  Focusing on nutrition for right now.  When I get more money, I'm going shopping to get a new wardrobe and wear hotter clothes and accessories.  Before, I tried to just get by on personality and my little "charm," but that doesn't lead anywhere really.  I have to be honest in the world.  You have to be attractive for people to take you seriously.  Period.

All this stuff has made me quite emotional, but somewhat comforting.  It's like a good escape.  Hopefully it'll help me quit smoking too.  I do miss the Church and stuff, but I just don't feel welcome or "right" in there anymore.  Yes, I still believe in all the teachings, and I don't think there's any other true Church, but I'm not one of those people really.  Who am I kidding...  I just think I needed to finally realize that perhaps.  And my spiritual director still hasn't gotten back to me.  I know it's Holy Week and he's busy, but I think that may be a sign...