Am I Meant to Hate Life? (serious)

The Lord is good and kind and merciful even to those of us who really do not deserve it. Why does He keep taking me back after I betray Him again and again? One thing that I wish I had was the strength to be what God wants me to be and I'm still looking for that strength. I know I can find it in the Sacraments so maybe it's time to step up my game with the help of God's Grace of course.

I've been going over things in my head lately and things that are keeping me from holiness are thoughts that I may never really enjoy life if I don't have certain things. That's so immature, though and I just want so badly to look past that because nothing in this life lasts forever.

I'm not going to lie, I feel very cheated by life when it comes to a lot of things and I find it hard to come up with a reason why God would let me desire something sooo badly if it was 1) wrong and 2) something I'll never likely have anyways. It's like my whole life tortures me and I've prayed to find relief from those feelings, but it's like the more I pray for them to go away, the more they haunt me. Why is that do you think?

It just seems like basic things that most people around me have or experience, I either hardly have it if at all or don't get to experience them and it makes me have thoughts of env and that makes me think badly of others and then I feel like I'm in a pit alone and perpetually upset.

Couldn't God just make me happy with Himself? I've seen so many people who don't care that they are missing out on this or that but are so at peace and motivated in the Faith or just otherwise content, and I've begged God for that but those "nice" feelings only last a short time. All it takes is stepping out in public and boom I'm back to where I started and it seems that way no matter how hard I pray or try to think positively.

So that makes me wonder about some things: Does God want me to be happy at all? What would the point of "useless" suffering be? Is there anything I can do that I haven't tried already? I just want answers...

I'm not going to make an elaborate list of all these things that I want but I'll talk about one in particular for this post: feeling like I'm part of a church family.

I'm sick of going to Holy Mass or Adoration or any function and being by myself while others are with their families or friends (my friends visit Mass with me but wouldn't attend regularly and they only go for me; not because they want to). I feel like I'm invisible everywhere!! Which is funny because I try to make myself standout a lot while I'm so conscious of other peoples' presence and definitely notice them.

There are a few people at some churches that I attend who do converse with me shortly or see how I'm doing but I've never had the opportunity to get close with them or become friends. I thought Catholics were supposed to fellowship.

I even tried getting involved but that doesn't seem to fruitful either. How does God expect me to have consistent Faith and holiness if I can't even make friends with holy people? I've begged Him for close Catholic friends that would be my primary group of friends and with whom I could offer Mass, pray the Rosary, study the doctrine, and talk about spiritual things and so far they've been with people that I've met in Facebook groups and forums but not people with whom I could hang out.

I don't want to be tempted by sin everywhere but I also don't want to stay cooped up in my room staring at the wall because the alternative is hanging out with Godless people.

Then a lot of people have their Catholic religion-obsessed friends and take them for granted. What?! I love my friends so I'm not going to throw them away because they aren't believers especially when they've been so much more charitable and caring to me than most Catholics (Catholics seem to either just be acquaintances (girls) or they don't like me (guys)) so can you blame me for having such a struggle? It's so bizarre and contradictory.

So am I supposed to hate everything about life because I seem to not be able to enjoy the perks of being Catholic or a heathen, but only get the inconveniences of both. What is that...
When will this end???

Inconveniences of Being a Believer: You Can't Win With Anyone!

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel. For it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth,"  --Epistle of St. Paul the Apostle to the Romans I, 16

Yeah...Lord, we need to talk about this.  Don't get me wrong, it is a beautiful verse, powerful, uplifting, just great!  But honestly...

Let me tell You something:  People hate people that are not ashamed of Your Holy and Life-Saving Gospel and think we're a bunch of crazy people (and You have to admit, a lot of us are and probably scandalize the Church to death because we can so judgmental, hypocrital, and anti-everything to the point that we aren't what people want to be around) and that's not the impression I want people to have of me!

I'ma be real with You, it is not fun living in a world with a conscience that makes you feel guilty about everything that seems fun and helpful and stress-relieving.  Besides, how are we supposed to bring people to You if they can't stand being around us in the first place? 

Most westerners live in societies where anything that has to do with Christianity is frowned upon and cast off as bad, hateful, prehistoric, medieval (although this isn't bad in all cases), etc.  They ain't trying to hear what we have to say about the Church and her Truths and doctrines.  All the waves of the hands in the face, and the deer-in-a-headlight looks (love that expression), and us feeling like we have spiders crawling out of our ears is frustrating with a capital F.



What society thinks Christianity is

 Also, you can't have a conversation about religion with non-believers usually without them giving their opinions about why the Church is wrong.  People are shockingly offended by the thought of Hell (and I love how no one thinks that they should go there personally, but have a whole laundry list full of those whom they think deserve it...).  Maybe it's me, and I'm used to it because I grew up believing that Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory were just as clear and real possibilities as the air I breathe.

See, everyone is focused on the future that they forget the here and now.  It's appalling to people that one can damn themselves to Hell eternally because of one thing, but then when you bring up repentance and forgiveness and just try again, then they're all like "Oh that's hypocritical!"  Shouldn't it logically follow in their minds that if one can damn himself to Hell for one bad thing, that someone can save their soul by one good thing?  (Calvinists, please me your mouths shut here please and thanks).

Society seems hell-bent (no pun intended) on finding the virtue in the ungodly, but also finding the vice in those who are trying to work out their salvation.

People question religion so they can find excuses not to believe and are not always interested in learning, hence they'll create strawmen such as the following:

--If God's real, why did He let the Holocaust happen?
--If God's real, why does He let innocent people die in car accidents and from other painful, agonizing diseases?
--If God's real, why is there poverty?
--How come Christians are so hateful?
--So, I'm gay or I have sex outside of marriage, am I going to Hell?
--I'm not Catholic, am I going to Hell?
--The Holy Scriptures are man-made and people kill each other over that book, your religion is fake, why do you follow that?

You give them an answer, and it's insufficient.  You show them a flaw in their reasoning, and they strangely don't hear what you said...

Then there are the questions of people who are less antagonistic and ask real questions such as:

--If you have to believe to go to Heaven, what about people who've never heard the Holy Gospel?
--What happens to children who die without the opportunity to receive the Sacrament of Baptism?
--What if you witness someone trying to kill your family, if you kill that person, is it still murder and sinful?
--I was never taught a religion, how do I know that the Catholic Church is right out of all the religions in the world?
--Where do those go who lived their whole lives as good people and never did anything bad, but just didn't believe?  Are they in Heaven or Hell?

These questions are harder to answer surprisingly and take lots of explanation, but people can generally agree to disagree after questions and answers like this, whereas the antagonistic ones are simple to answer usually, and just feed the hatred and animosity between the believers and the non-believers.  Interessant...

But then again, on the Catholic side, some of Your servants do need to chill for real.  A lot of us can have holier-than-thee attitudes and it's disgusting and they need to meditate on spiritual arrogance (a subset of spiritual pride).  Many of us need to stop belittling others that do not agree with us.  And I hate, absolutely HATE, that some Catholics (usually in the rad trad crowd) will shun you, insult  you, and slander/keep their distance from you if in their mind you're Hell-bound.  Ummm...shouldn't they be spending more time with thsoe people to try and help them?

Basically, Lord, what I'm saying is...help a brotha out!  It's hard enough trying to practice virtue; we don't need to be outcast on the same token that just makes it more difficult.

And yes, I am mindful of these verses:

"Remember my word that I said to you: The servant is not greater than his master. If they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you: if they have kept my word, they will keep yours also."  --Holy Gospel according to St. John XV, 20

"Blessed are ye when they shall revile you, and persecute you, and speak all that is evil against you, untruly, for my sake:"  --Holy Gospel according to St. Matthew V, 11

God, I Cannot Keep Chasing You

About to head to Adoration soon to place myself at the foot of Christ's earthly throne and ask His help and advice.

I really need Him to uplift me and sustain my soul right now and I want Him to take care of me and to console and comfort me because of my weakness and because I don't really know what to do.  The heart is a fragile thing, and when it breaks, only God can heal it.  None of us are immune to real life (I mean that...none of us), and those particularly in touch with their feminine sides are going to the pangs of disappointment from a guy.  Maybe once, maybe twice or more, but it seems to happen to everyone and it hurts, but God is strong and He knows what He's doing.

My emotions are very unstable and no particular emotion seems to last for too long, but when I experience an emotion, I really experience it with all the intensity and passion one can imagine.  People have often described me as passionate.  But I am like a desert sandstorm in the sense that after the experience, I can go back to nothing.  I ended my first and only rlationship ever a few months ago and this week has been particularly hard because for some reason, it's on my mind again. 

I feel like I have been begging and praying that God give me some superwoman power to avoid feeling this vulnerable and from having the desire to "go back there."  But no, I have to struggle this out like any other woman does. 

Because of my state (SSA and gender problems), God doesn't want anyone else to share my love with anyone else.  He wants to have me all to Himself and wants me to be in love with Him alone, but why won't He pursue me so much that my mind doesn't drift from Him?  Any woman wants her man to pursue her, so why won't God pursue me and why does He leave me wanting to be wanted?  Lord, hear my prayer and heal me...

Satan keeps crawling into my mind telling me how I lost such a great man and won't let me remember all the problems and difficulties he and I had.  He keeps telling me to lament and to pity myself and shows me images in my mind of him being with someone else and happy with that other person while the thought of me sickens him to no end.  I just want God to block those thoughts, I don't want to experience human emotion because it's too hard for me.  I don't want to have feelings or be attracted to anyone anymore nor do I want to deal with temptation in the world because it makes me hate being Catholic knowing that I'm giving up all that (even though what I'm gaining is infinitely greater, but I can't experience it to know).  If this is how Catholicism has to be experienced, then I resent being baptized into this religion because I can't have temporal happiness either way.  At least the Catholic way promises eternal happiness, but who can really contemplate eternity? 

I still am in love, although I hate it because I can't have what I want.  With him I would have a family, someone who cares about me, protection and safety from those who hate me and wish harm to me, companionship, encouragement (sometimes...ha), but I would be confined to Hell and have no access to Grace.  Without Him, I can technically receive Sacraments and do good works and fast and give alms and have it amount to something, but I have to deal with a whole life time of being scared and always wondering what-if, and watching everyone around me have that which I do not have, I hate feeling left out, but then I could technically go to Heaven (or have a shot at it).  This isn't fun and I hate the agony. 

Satan sadistically likes the challenge I give him because I'm always on the brink, on that edge and threshold between Hell and Holiness and it would please him immensely for me to die having just barely breached the threshold so he can laugh in my face and tell me how everything I did was for nothing because I'm his now.  I wish God would pull me so far into the realm of holiness and fill me with so much Grace that it would take lots of hard work for me to even get to the threshold.  Satan won't do the same with the side of evil because if I were so far gone in that realm, I wouldn't be fun for him.  Why torture me if he already has me?

This is one of those times where I sit and wonder what the heck my Guardian Angel is doing...  Hello patron saints??  St. Christopher, St. Dominic, St. Patrick of Ireland, St. Maria Goretti, St. Anthony of Padua, do you all not see what I"m going through??????  Can I have one prayer on my behalf please?  An Our FAther?  Something, unless you guys don't care either. 

All it would take is for God to just alter my feelings just ever so slightly, show Himself to me, and I swear, I would not have any attachment to worldly things. 

While others are strong enough for sanctification through trials and tribulations, I am positive that my sanctification should be lived out in me not having to deal with any of that because I get easily discouraged and start to second guess all this.

Off to Adoration....begging my dear readership to say a prayer for me (Jesse, I know you got this part covered).

Btw, got through the Feast of St. Valentine, Martyr, unscathed and safely....because I actually observed it as the feast day of a Saint whose intercession I begged, and not some secular hearts and candy holiday which has no relation whatsoever.